Page 33 of King of Jokers

“Humour your old man, would you?” He said.

I kicked a leaf along the ground while I thought about the clue. Six letters. Limits. Boundaries, fences, barricades. My thoughts bouncing through the possibilities.

“Finite,” I answered finally.

“Exactly, Son. Finite.” He slapped my back before turning back towards the oceanic view. “You’re twenty-six next year and absolutely annihilating it on the field. You’re a good kid, always looking after your family. But you’re missing the most important thing,” he said with a shrug. “Love.”

“I don’t need love,” I replied defiantly. “I’m twenty-six for God’s sake, plenty of time for that.”

“I don’t mean it’s missing from your life, Jack, I mean you’re missing that it’s right in front of you.” He gestured a thumb over his shoulder inside to where Mum was likely peppering Winter with one thousand questions about her parents and the bike, Mason, Ethan and baby Amelia. And I knew Win would be there with a smile on her face, answering every single one as if she had nothing better to do, because one of my favourite things about her was the time she gave to those she cared for.

“She only comes around here because of you. You know whenever she stops by, she asks to use the bathroom and every single time, she wanders through your old room. I don’t know what she does in there, your mum and I pretend we don’t notice, but each time she leaves that door is left open because she has gone in to be closer to you. I don’t know much about women, but I do know she has loved you as long as we’ve known her. And if you don’t tell her how you feel, she will eventually settle for someone less. Someone she doesn’t love just so she isn’t alone. Small town life isn’t always easy for someone like Win. She thinks it’s safer, but nothing is as scary as loneliness.”

I couldn’t breathe let alone respond, the words piercing my gut painfully.

Finite.Infinity. That was us.

It wasn’t her with someone else. But Win marrying, loving and touching someone else actually was a possibility I’d never considered with such finality. What would that do to me? Before this trip I could have squashed it down with everything else I refused to admit, but I wasn’t so sure now. Things had changed. Would confessing my feelings to her help or would it only make things worse? Make saying goodbye even harder?

“Jack, love?” Mum said from behind a tremor in her words

“What’s wrong?” I asked, instantly on edge.

“I think I’ve upset Winter. She said she needed some air.”

“What? How?” I said, already walking through the house to the front door. Pausing with my hand on the door I turned back to Mum who looked guilty as shit. “What did you say?”

“I may have told her I was going to set you up with someone.”

“Mum!” I snapped. “Why the fuck would you say that?” I knew I had no right to be upset but things felt so unstable like the tiniest thing could splinter what we had.

“I thought I was helping. You two are as blind as bats. Someone needed to shake things up a little, but I didn’t want to upset her and –” Dad rubbed Mum’s arm reassuringly as I pushed the front door open. I would deal with those two meddling pests later.

For now I needed to find Winter.

I slowed to a walk when I spotted her standing where the tide met the sand. She was looking out at the waves, the subtle breeze causing her hair and the white dress she was wearing to swirl around her delicately. Sporadic drops of rain wetting the sand as she crossed her arms as the wind picked up a little.

There would be a storm tonight. Fitting.

“Hey,” I said cautiously, watching her quickly dry the tears resting on her cheeks.

“Sorry. Just got a bit hot in there.”

“Mum said she upset you.” I wanted her to explain. Confirm my suspicion so I could finally open the bottle and release the pressure sitting on my chest.

“Your mum is the best,” she said, still dabbing at her cheeks with the back of her hand. “It’s nothing. I’m just sad you’re going.” She tried to smile, but it was faint, her tears escaping as her lip trembled.

“Come with me.” I implored, pulling her into my arms. “Not because you broke a rule or I messed up and needed you, but because you want to. Because you can’t bear the thought of being away from me for a week, months, a year.” My plea was pathetic and entirely selfish knowing how difficult she would find navigating somewhere entirely new.

“My whole life is here, Jack,” she said softly, pulling back.

“What is so important in Willow Bay? Explain it to me because I don’t understand.” My voice was louder than I would like, the unspoken feelings just below the surface.

“Of course you don’t!” She screamed, the careful mask she had maintained all day gone. I’d never seen Win so worked up but I think I needed it. Needed to hear her, raw and unfiltered – all her darkest thoughts laid bare so I could share mine too.

“You’ve never understood, Jack, because you are never here. You got out. You left. And I am so happy for you. Truly. I’ve always been your biggest fan, desperate for you to achieve your goals. But while you do that I am still here. I still see those arseholes who relentlessly made me feel different in the worst of ways. Only now, I don’t have anyone to share it with. Anyone to make up nicknames with, our own form of passive vengeance. Mason left too and Mum tells me all the time how lucky she is that I am close. She means well, but the guilt is stifling. So every time you leave, I’m still here, in this freaking prison and I will be stuck here forever. I will never leave because I am pathetic and stuck and TERRIFIED.” She was screaming loudly now matched only by the occasional bout of thunder and crash of the ocean. Her words assaulted me like a migraine on the brightest of days. The gut-wrenching honesty entwined with the volume of her voice, so uncharacteristically Win it was debilitating to see. The pain and fear so clearly written on her face.

I knew she hated seeing me go but I selfishly had no idea of just what it was doing to her. How she felt trapped in this place rather than comforted.

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