Page 2 of Wanted By the Alien Warden

“Hello, Fallon.” I glanced quickly at my notes. “You’re Darcy’s husband?”

“Yes!” A massive smile split his face, and it was so big and so pure that I almost didn’t even notice the sharp glint of fangs there. “I am eternally grateful to be able to say that I am, indeed, Darcy’s husband!”

A groan – Darcy’s, I was fairly certain – emanated from somewhere behind Fallon’s happily grinning face.

“I have wanted to speak with you for some time,” Fallon said, his voice falling to a reverent hush. “I have wanted to thank you. For bestowing my beloved wife upon me. And-”

It was the strangest thing, but it almost looked like his eyes began to glow white.

“-to thank you for providing me with that most excellent guide to human women!”

“Guide to… Hold on. You mean that book I put together?” I felt my eyebrows rise, both with surprise that the man before me had actually read the thing, and with a slight flare of pride. I put a lot of time and work into that document in the hopes that it might smooth over any cultural confusion between the human women and their Zabrian husbands. Frankly, I was pleased as freaking punch that it had been both effective and appreciated. If someone had handed my last boyfriend a book on understanding me, he wouldn’t have even pretended to skim it before chucking it into a waste disposal chute.

“Yes,” Fallon breathed, his eyes now very, very bright white. “Without you and your most illuminating guide, I would not know about the wonders of the clitorosaurus.”

“Oh, God,” whispered Cherry.

“Fallon,” moaned Darcy. “We have talked about this!”

Fallon’s face fell, and he looked so painfully disappointed in himself that I had the sudden urge to reach through the screen and pat him on his sadly drooping shoulder.

Only, I couldn’t do that, because I was too busy internally combusting at the thought that I’d left a typo in the document I’d sent him and the others.

A typo. Onthatword.

I was going to die. Just… Quietly pass away at the thought. Surrender to the sweet embrace of death so I didn’t have to confront the fact that I’d misspelled fuckingclitoris.

“I apologize,” Fallon said gravely. “Of course, I meant the clitorosseum.”

“Fallon!”

Jesus. Just how badly had I mangled the word?!

“Hold, please,” I croaked, scrambling to minimize the video chat with my heart pounding in temples and my cheeks. Once minimized, I could no longer see Darcy, Cherry, Fallon, or the other male who was presumably Cherry’s husband, Silar. But I could still hear them. Their words filtered into my panicky brain as I opened and rapidly scanned the document I’d written.

“Why are you bringing up impossible-to-pronounce bits of genitalia right now?” Darcy chided. “We’re supposed to be showing her how nice and normal you guys are. And now she’s going to think we’re all fucking insane.”

I chewed my lip as I raked my gaze over the various biology and sexual health sections of the book I wrote. Clitoris… Clitoris…Phew. I spelled it correctly in English. Maybe something weird had happened when that word was spelled phonetically in Zabrian letters.

“Sorry about that,” I said, managing to speak around the heart that still felt lodged in my throat. “I just had to, er, check something.”

Check that I don’t need to start a new life somewhere where no one knows I’m a colossal idiot…

“Please do not apologize!” Fallon exclaimed as I maximized the screen and his face with its wide, white eyes reappeared. “I owe you my life.”

“Um. Well.” I cast about for a reply, a little flustered by the intensity of his enthusiasm. “You’re… welcome?”

“Alright. Enough about the book,” Darcy said, rubbing her temples as Fallon stepped back to stand beside her. Despite her words, Silar appeared to have something to add on the subject, muttering under his breath about frostbite, nipples, and when, exactly, was he supposed to worry about cold water? But I obviously hadn’t heard him right, because none of that made a lick of sense.

“I feel that we’re getting off track,” I said, trying to regain control of the meeting. “The intended purpose of this conversation is to-”

“Hello? Hello? Can you guys see us?”

A new rectangle split my screen, empty black at first, but soon blinking into brightness. Magnolia and a male with black hair and dark green hide both beamed at me. They looked like they were sitting outside in lush grass. Rose gold mountains gleamed in a jagged line in the distance behind them.

“Yes! So glad you made it,” I said, sincerely happy to see her. Magnolia was such a sweet, kind soul. It was a relief to have her included today and to make sure she was doing well. “It’s wonderful to see you! And to meet your husband. It’s Oaken, correct?”

Of course it was Oaken. I had my notes right in front of me and-

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