Page 24 of Wanted By the Alien Warden

Holy hills of Terra. That was a very bleak thought.

And as I had absolutely no use for pity, least of all for myself, I sucked it up and changed the subject.

“I told Warden Tenn about the book idea,” I said. “I really am going to write one while I’m here. He’ll help.”

“Oh, yay!” Cherry replied. She flounced over to the bed and sat down, her eyes alight with mischief. “We’ll help, too. Considering that we’re experts on the Zabrian genitals situation.”

Darcy snorted. “Is that what we’re calling it now?”

“Yes, it is,” Cherry replied with a prim nod. “And Tasha promised that it could be the title of the first chapter.”

“Well, before I do anything,” I said, “someone needs to tell me exactly what this genitals situation entails.”

“Entails!” Darcy echoed shrilly. She and Darcy looked at each other and promptly burst into laughter.

“Oh, God, sorry,” Cherry gasped, clutching at Darcy who by this time had collapsed on the bed, giggling uncontrollably. “It’s just… It’s just… you said entails!”

“I… Yes? I did?” The two of them were positively rolling. Literally rolling on the surface of the bed, until they crashed chaotically and went boinging away from each other.

“Holy fuck. I think I’m going to pee myself.” Darcy choked out. “Or that my spleen is going to split. Is that a thing that can happen?”

“I feel fairly confident,” I said, “after all the research I did for the human anatomy portion of the book I wrote, that laughing isn’t going to do anything to your spleen. Your bladder, on the other hand…”

Darcy took a shuddering breath and then swiftly sat up to face me where I stood. She passed her palm in front of her face, as if to indicate that a curtain was dropping on the laughter from the moment before.

“OK. Sorry. It’s just the guys, they have this…”

She pursed her lips against what appeared to be another bout of laughter. Instead of trying to speak, she positioned her hand between her thighs, crooked her index finger, and then wiggled it wildly.

“They… They have a finger down there?”

Darcy shook her head frantically, her face scarlet. Was she holding her breath?

Luckily, Cherry seemed to still be capable of speech. Or, capable of a hysterical sort of howl, which she emitted now.

“THEY HAVE A COCK TAIL.”

“Alright. Um…” I slipped my comms tablet out of my pocket, ready to take notes. “A cock tail. And is this separate from the dicktacle?”

“NOT THE DICKTACLE!” Darcy screeched, kicking Cherry and then nearly falling off the bed. “I TOLD YOU TO NEVER CALL IT THAT AGAIN!”

“Oh my God,” Cherry choked out. “I feel drunk.”

“I feel confused,” I said.

“I don’t blame you,” Cherry replied after a few steadying breaths. “It’s very confusing. Very mysterious, the Zabrian cock tail. That wonderful worm of-”

“DON’T CALL IT A WORM!”

“OK. Fine. How about a snake? Since that’s what you first thought it was. A sweet, slithery little pet snakey snake that-”

“CHERRY!”

“I feel that we may be losing sight of the purpose of this conversation,” I cut in awkwardly. “And also that Darcy is in danger of having a…”

“A mental breakdown?” Cherry provided helpfully. She glanced at her red-faced friend and grinned. “Nah. She’ll be fine.”

“It’s impossible to talk about this shit seriously,” Darcy moaned. “You just have to see it to fully experience it.”

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