Page 45 of Between Hate and Desire

I wipe tears from my cheeks, and Liam hands me a handful of tissues. “You might need these.”

I let out a choked laugh, then look at Hunter as Liam and Mason walk back inside.

“I can’t do this,” I tell him. It’s wrong. This all feels so wrong.

His eyes soften, and he gently places his hand on my shoulder. “We’ll go in together, okay?” His words are comforting as he takes my hand.

I tuck my lips inside my mouth and look up at the ceiling, trying to find what little strength I have left. Water fills my eyes, and I can barely see as I walk through the entrance and down the aisle. It’s all too much, and I want it to be over right now so I can be alone.

“We don’t have to go up there if you don’t want,” Hunter tells me. I know I’m expected to, though I’m not sure I can keep it together long enough to do that.

A slideshow plays on the big screen with the saddest fucking music I’ve ever heard, and when pictures appear of me and Brandon together, I turn into a complete mess. Instead of walking, I sit as quickly as I can and let it all out, not caring who sees me.

Soon someone sits next to me and wraps their arms around me, and when I look up, it’s Brandon’s mother, Mrs. Locke.

“Oh, sweetie. I am so sorry.”

I hold her tighter, and when I finally pull away, I apologize when I notice my tears have spilled onto the shoulder of her dress. She waves it off and studies me, asking with her eyes if I’m okay, though we all know the answer to that one.

I sniff and wipe my nose with the tissue Liam gave me. “I don’t know how I’m going to go on without him, Mrs. Locke.”

She rubs her hand against my back and gives me a small smile. “You’ll have to do it the same way I am—one minute, one hour, one day at a time—and continue to live the life Brandon would want you to live. He loved you so much, Lennon, and above anything, he’d want you to be happy.”

I open my mouth, but no words come out, just a ragged sob.

Hunter gives Brandon’s mom a side hug, then sits next to me, but he doesn’t say anything. Eventually, people come up to speak to Brandon’s mother, and she gives me one last hug and walks away. I stare at the slideshow, seeing all the photos of Brandon as a kid, pictures of him and Hunter, Liam, and Mason, and us when we first started dating. As soon as it ends, it repeats itself, and I watch it five more times before I feel like I can breathe again.

“I’m ready,” I tell Hunter, then stand.

My shoes are made of concrete as I walk forward. Brandon’s dad stands by the casket and speaks to people after they pay their respects. When I realize I’m next, my heart races and pounds so hard in my chest, it echoes in my ears. I step forward, but when I see Brandon lying there, I lose my fucking mind.

For the last week, I tried to imagine this moment. I imagined what it would be like to see his lifeless body, and as I look at him, it’s not how I thought it would be.

Makeup on his face covers the bruises and gashes from the helmet, but I can still see it all. I overheard Hunter talking to the guys about how much blood was at the scene, and thinking about it makes my stomach turn. This is not him. That’s not the love of my life. My heart aches, not understanding why such a good person was ripped away from me.

All I can hope is that he didn’t feel any pain, but after seeing how broken he is, I’m not so sure. I hate knowing he was alone when he died. My body begins to tremble and shake, and Hunter places his hand around my shoulders and squeezes, bringing me against his body for comfort. If I could crawl inside and be buried with Brandon, I would.

For the first time in my life, I truly understand how Romeo and Juliet felt, not wanting to live without the other. And if I’d joined him on that ride, who knows what my own fate would’ve been or if any of this would’ve happened at all. As I kiss my fingertips and place them on his lips, the lips I’ve kissed for the past two years, I know I’ll never be the same. At least we had that, but whoever said it’s better to have loved and lost is fucking wrong.

“I love you, Brandon. I love you so much. Save a place for me up there, baby,” I whisper, thinking how unfair this all is. I’m suffocating as I somehow break away from him, knowing it’s the last time I’ll ever see him.

Brandon’s dad says something while he gives me a hug, but I don’t retain any of the words.

As I walk back to my seat, Hunter isn’t behind me, and when I turn around, he’s still at the casket with tears falling down his cheeks. It’s the first time I’ve seen him break down since we found out, and I realize how much it’s destroying him too. He’s been putting on a brave face, but right now, he’s releasing it. We’re two broken people who will have to somehow find a new normal, though I’m not sure one exists. Mason and Liam join him, and they stand there together, saying goodbye to their best friend.

As I watch them, a voice behind me grabs my attention and I see Maddie and Sophie walking toward me. They pull me into their arms, and I’m so grateful my sisters are here. My parents wanted to come, but Dad had to speak at a funeral service for a longtime member of the church, so I told them it was fine and meant it. My sisters tell me how much they love me and are here for me, and I don’t ever want to let them go.

Maddie grabs my hand, and we go to a pew close to the front. They sit on each side of me and hold me tight. Being in this room makes me want to jump out of my skin.

Soon the service starts, and it becomes a blur as the pastor officiates. It’s a beautiful service, but I can barely focus on anything that’s said.

Brandon’s mother allows me to stay with the family to say my last goodbyes, but I hardly remember it because shock takes over.

Hunter, Liam, and Mason, along with Brandon’s cousins and childhood friends, were asked to be pallbearers. They lift the casket and carry it to the hearse.

Brandon’s mother asks me to ride in the limo with them to the gravesite, so I do. During the drive over, I stare out the window, trying to process everything. The car eventually slows, and I get out, following behind Brandon’s family. They carry him to the tent set up by the burial site, and I somehow walk toward it.

It’s funny because at this moment, I notice the clouds moving across the bright blue sky and how time keeps ticking, regardless if my world has stopped. Stepping under the tent, I hear sobs escape from Brandon’s mother, and I worry I'm going to faint, so I find an empty chair to quickly sit on.

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