Page 81 of Wicked Surrender

Another deep sigh left my lips, and I turned to watch her peaceful face as she dozed.

This just might be the last time I’d ever have the opportunity to be this close to her, but I had to take the step toward being honest.

Perhaps if I’d been honest with myself in the beginning, I wouldn’t have let my anger get to me like this.

When Willaim was expelled, I was furious, particularly when Dean Chen didn’t listen to my insistence that he allow an investigation to happen. But William could’ve used his own anger to fight for that investigation too.

Instead, he’d given up and adapted to an “easier” life of doing and dealing drugs.

When I started to make my prolonged stay in college become a game of trying to make Dean Chen’s life hell, I let my anger and rage dictate me. But I could’ve wizened up to see that graduating sooner than later would’ve been more help to my brother in terms of financial security.

And if I paused to consider the weakness of my plan to graduate and help him, I would’ve confronted the stupidity of what I was trying to pull off.

What would I be doing by graduating and working to fund his life? It wouldn’t erase the fact that he’d been kicked out of college. It wouldn’t rewind the incidents that got him expelled. And it wouldn’t motivate him to return to school and decide to have a stable life with a normal job.

William made his choices with the cards he’d been dealt. It wasn’t wise of me to try to change his cards or pretend they could be any different.

Fuck, have I screwed this all up.

I rubbed my face, exhausted by how I’d been so blind for so long. How I’d let my anger take over everything that I could do. I let it funnel me into being a troublemaker and only partying, which affected my grades. I let it trick me into punishing Laura when her father was the one I wanted to hurt.

And it had to end now.

I sighed again, but this deep exhale made her stir.

She stretched, waking up from her nap. Then as she slid up against me, yawning, she opened her eyes and smiled at me.

I blinked, stunned by her beauty. By her sweet trust.

I’d never see it again like this, not for me.

“Hey.” She smiled up at me, making it even harder to speak up at all.

I hated myself for ever treating her like I had.

“Hey.”

“What’s up?” Her brow furrowed, and I wanted to groan at that. She was this attuned to me, this aware of when something was up because she could read me so well. And she cared.

“You asked me why.” I cleared my throat, determined to get through this no matter what.

She sat up, frowning fully as she watched me. “What?”

“You asked why it was you. Why I bullied you.” I wouldn’t look away no matter how much this direct eye contact was like a brand on my soul, searing me with the heat of flames from hell to destroy me.

“Jason, I…” She shook her head slowly, sitting up more. Alarmed.

“No. Please listen.”

She grabbed her T-shirt and tugged it on instead of holding my sheet up to cover her breasts.

“I had to bully you because it was my goal to make you miserable. I had to target you with all that stupid shit because I was too far down the path of wanting to ruin your life.”

She scooted back, still cautious and realizing distance from me would be smart.

“I told you that you shouldn’t trust me,” I reminded her.

“Jason, I don’t understand.”

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