Page 30 of Stay With Me

Fuck. Maybe I should have tried to put a breathing tube in Jack myself. What if he doesn’t pull through and it’s because I didn’t make the right call by waiting until we got here?

“Charlie? Are you okay?”

The heavenly sweet voice has me convinced I’m hallucinating. I don’t look up. “Fuck.”

“Fuck what?”

I’m pretty sure angels don’t say “fuck,” so I sit upright and whip my head skyward—and Emily is really standing before me. I didn’t imagine her.

“Em? W-what are you doing here?” I whisper.

She squats in front of me, placing her delicate hands on each of my upper arms, gripping them. Strangely, that helps to center me, focus me.

“I just dropped Shay off at the door and parked. We were walking into yoga when she got the call about Jack. Are you okay, Charlie? Did you get hurt in the fire? You’re breathing fast and you’re kind of clammy.” Her eyes survey me up and down as if she’s looking for injuries.

I nod. “I’m okay. Just adrenaline crashing is all. And… I’m worried about Jack. I hope I did everything right.” My voice shakes and I hate letting her see me like this.

“I’m sure you did. Everyone knows you’re an excellent paramedic and firefighter.” She rubs her hands soothingly up and down my arms, and it helps settle this frenetic energy inside me. “Can I sit with you for a few minutes? I’m not in a big rush to go in there myself.”

“Of course, Em. And shit, I’m sorry. Here I am being selfish and not even thinking about what being back here must be like for you.”

“Hey. Don’t do that. Yeah, it’s hard being back here—really hard—but that doesn’t diminish what you’re going through today. You can’t always just be saving me, Charlie. You’ve gotta let yourself take some support, too. That’s how friendship works.”

She moves over to my side and sits against the wall then grabs my arm off my knee and pulls it closer to her until she can reach my hand. Wrapping her tiny hand in my much larger one, she holds tight.

I look over at her and give her the best smile I can muster.

She doesn’t know she’s been saving me for a long time just by the amount of light she instills into my world, slowly displacing the darkness that has long lived inside me, courtesy of my old man.

* * *

EMILY

Once I plant myself on the ground beside him, Charlie and I sit in silence on the firm, cool concrete ground outside First City ER for another five minutes before he speaks.

“I should probably call for a ride back to the station soon.” Something in his voice makes me look over at him and he’s watching me. His voice is gentle when he asks, “Do you want me to walk you in first and make sure you’re okay?”

Leave it to Charlie to be worrying about me even when he’s dealing with his own challenges.

I plaster a smile on my face, though Charlie knows me well enough that he’ll probably realize it’s superficial.

“Nah, I’ll be fine. I’ll take my time out here and go in when I’m ready. Thanks for offering, though.”

Charlie’s eyes are fixed on me, probably searching for clues that I’m not really okay. Then he finally pulls out his phone, shoots off a text, and slides it back into his pocket.

Maybe it’s that I’m thrown off kilter by being here, where Teddy was pronounced dead, or maybe it’s because my grief has rubbed me raw over the last several weeks, but there’s a question that’s been gnawing at me for a long time. And I suddenly feel like I can’t hold it in any longer.

“Charlie? Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah, sure. Go ahead.” He leans his head back against the brick wall, closing his eyes.

I gather my courage, now wondering if bringing this up is a mistake. I swallow around the thick, nearly obstructing, lump in my throat.

“You pulled away from our friendship a few years ago. Not completely, but enough that I noticed.” I loathe how my voice shakes.

He pauses for a few seconds, in case I’m not done, then speaks. Though he’s still not looking at me. “That’s more of a statement than a question.”

“W-was it my fault?” It’s almost a whisper.

---