Page 33 of Stay With Me

“Yes,” I answer, my voice sounding surer than I feel.

“Okay. Let’s get started. The first tool we are going to use is identifying a place where you can go, in your mind, when a memory triggers you. A place that makes you feel positive things, maybe peaceful. It can be somewhere you’ve been or somewhere you imagine. So, close your eyes and I want you to think about that place and observe it for a minute or two, then I’ll guide you on defining it a bit more.”

I close my eyes and do as she says. She waits in silence while I envision one of my favorite places.

“Now tell me about your place. Describe it to me and, if you can, use your senses.”

“Well, it’s the ocean. In Hawaii. My sister took me there as a delayed college graduation gift and I’ve never seen water so clear or beautiful. I’m floating on my back in the water. It feels cool—refreshing—on my skin, but not cold. And I feel weightless when I float. I love how that feels.”

“Do you see anything?”

“If I keep my eyes open, I see the clear blue sky. But I like to keep my eyes closed. And I can do that because Trina worries I’ll lose myself and float too far out, so she always swims by me, either watching or holding onto my ankle so I know she’s there.”

“That’s nice. How did that make you feel when she did that in the past?”

“Safe. Protected. Grounded—especially when she held onto my ankle. I could let go of everything on my mind because she had me. She’d stand near me and just lightly hold on to my ankle, so she’d feel if I started to float away.” The words, the sensation of not needing to worry, because she was my sentry, are immediately present in the memory.

“Are there any smells or sounds there?”

I pause, paying attention to how I’m feeling as I visualize being in the water.

“The air smells fresh, but there are very few sounds. Just some tinkling. That’s one reason I like it. My ears are under water, and it blocks out most of the noise. It’s… serene.”

“That sounds lovely, Emily. When you’re ready, you can open your eyes.”

I take a few deep breaths, enjoying the special place a little longer, then lift my eyelids.

“That was excellent. Do you see how you can try to visualize yourself back into the water, focusing on all the sensations when a painful memory comes to you?”

I smile. “I do. And I forgot how much I enjoy being in the water. Thanks for helping me remember that.”

“You did all the work. I just helped you see what was already there.” Annette pauses and looks down at her watch. “We have about ten more minutes. Would you like to hear about the second technique? Or do you want to stop here for today?”

Excited that I feel something good, something enjoyable, for the first time in a while, I’m eager to continue.

“I’d like to hear about the next one.”

“Great. The second technique involves creating what we call a ‘resource team’ of individuals, or pets even, who have been a positive force in your life. It can be as many or as few people as you want. Take a few seconds and think of some people, and then we?—”

“I don’t need a few seconds. I already know who would be on my resource team. The first would be my sister Trina, then my best friend Shayna, and my… my friend Charlie.”

Annette nods at me and smiles. “It’s great that you can think of three people that quickly. Is there anyone else you would add?”

I simply shake my head. These are the people who have been there for me since they’ve come into my life.

“Okay. Now that we know who’s on your team, let’s start with your sister. Think about why you put her on your team, what she represents to you, what she makes you feel, and describe that to me. If you can, tell me about the others as well.”

“Well, Trina is easy. She’s always protected me, made me feel loved, and made me believe I could do anything I wanted to and put my mind to. Shayna has been my best friend since almost the first day I met her. She represents someone I can always be myself around. Someone who I know has my back and will tell me the truth, even if I don’t want to hear it. I think everybody needs someone like that in their lives. The other thing about Shay is that I know that no matter what I do, she’ll never stop loving me.”

“So, Trina represents protection, unconditional love, and believing in yourself. And Shayna represents honesty, being able to be yourself, and unconditional love. Correct?” Annette asks.

I nod.

I hesitate when it comes time to talk to her about Charlie, having never openly told anyone about what he represents to me. Unwilling to meet her gaze, I glance around her office. Sure, it’s like a typical therapist office with her degrees posted on the wall, but she also has a few plants scattered around, piles of books, and several knickknack type owl themed decorations. I consider trying to distract her by asking about the owls, but I know that just like she has mastered the art of silence, she also very much knows when I’m trying to change the subject.

I sigh I and turn my eyes back to Annette.

“Charlie represents some obvious things to me. Ever since I met him, he’s called me “sunshine.” And I know it’s probably weird, but I feel brighter when I’m around him, lighter. And the thing is, I think I’m a nice person, but I can be stubborn, and I have a temper. But around Charlie, I don’t have to pretend, and he still sees the best in me—seesme. The other thing is that he’s always there to help me when I get in a tough situation. I feel safe with him, and I feel bright with him…” I stop speaking and roll my eyes. “That’s stupid. What does feeling “bright” even mean?”

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