Page 45 of One Last Step

“I should have,” she agrees.“But I didn’t.I stayed because it was the right thing to do.Then I stayed because I thought that maybe I would like being a mom after all.Maybe I would fall in love with you two as I watched you get older.Then I stayed because I had nowhere to go and didn’t want to struggle.Your father at least had the decency to be rich.Of course, he left his money toyou,so it didn’t domeany good.”

“Except, of course, for your round-the-clock medical care,” I remind her.

She laughs bitterly.“Yes.Except that it facilitates your mission to watch me suffer for as long as you possibly can.”

I don’t reply to that.She’s right.And for that,Iam not sorry.

“Then I stayed because I hated myself,” she continues.“I woke up one morning when I was forty-six and realized that it was too late for me.I remember it distinctly because it was the week before Annie went missing.You two had left the house three years before, and I thought I was free.

“But I didn’t leave.I stayed with a man I didn’t love, and it wasn’t because I couldn’t start over.I could have done all right.But I didn’t.I… had gotten so used to giving up, that I just allowed myself to stay that way.”

“I can see how that’s our fault,” I tell her.

“Oh, you self-righteous, self-important, smug little smartypants bitch,” she hisses.“You… always act like you’re better than everyone.Sensible Mary.Smart Mary.If only everyone would listen to Mary.”

I sigh and get to my feet.“Good night, Mother.”

“I hated you two because you two stole my chance to be myself, and you didn’t care!”

I turn back around.I’m rarely shocked by anything my mother says, but that shocks me.“You could have left,” I repeat.“You could have done and been whatever you wanted at any time.”

“Oh, you know how I would have been seen if I did that.I would have been the cruel mother who abandoned her children.No one would have paid attention to anything else.As soon as your father pumped you inside of me, I became nothing more than a mother.I died that day.”

“You poor woman.”

“Oh, go to Hell.You two turned out all right.Especially you.You have a nice little life here.Meanwhile, I wasted my life, and I’m rotting away.”

I sigh and rub the bridge of my nose.“What are you looking for, Mother?What do you expect me to say?”

“I don’t expect you to say anything.It doesn’t matter.What can I do now but say hurtful things?Even those don’t hurt you.I just…” She lifts her hands and lets them drop.“I thought that I was going to travel the world.I wanted to be a travel writer.”She laughs.“God, that sounds so foolish now.I thought I was going to visit exotic places, love exotic men, eat exotic foods,bean exotic woman.And your father promised to give me all of that.Not the exotic men part, of course, but it would have been easy enough to cheat on him.”

A memory flashes through my mind of a man I knew when I was younger, but I can’t quite place it before the memory fades.

“And… None of that happened.”Tears well in her eyes.“I got pregnant, and all of a sudden, you were the entire world.Then I had Annie, and she was the entire world.Your father didn’t care about me or his promises to me.He just wanted to be a good father.That’s all he cared about was being a papa.”

“Well, you’ll be happy to know that he wasn’t a very good one,” I reply.“But you already knew that.”

She nods.“Yes.I ruined him eventually.It was my only real victory.I tried to ruin you and Annie, but the two of you were too strong.You two insisted on having the lives you dreamed of while I had… nothing.”

I can’t listen to any more of this.“You tried to kill Annie twice and me once,” I tell her.“You were cruel, vindictive and vicious.You brought nothing but pain to those you should have loved.What do you want from me?Sympathy?”

She smiles slightly.“I want to go back to before you were born and leave your father the moment he mentioned the word marriage.But it doesn’t matter what I want.It’s too late.”

She sips some water, then says, “I hate Annie more than you, if that helps.”

I roll my eyes.“If it helps you to tell me, then I’m happy for you.Annie’s dead.”

"No, she isn't.She's out there traveling to exotic places, sleeping with exotic men, and living an exotic life as an exotic woman.She's doing everything I should have done.She's living the life I wanted, and I hate her so much for it."

I shake my head.“Okay, Mother.”

I walk toward the door.I’m not sure what I was hoping for from this conversation, but it turned out to be just as pointless as I should have expected.

“She sent me a letter, you know.After she left.”

I stop in my tracks and spin around.“What?”

“Annie.She sent me a letter.”

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