Page 92 of The Secret Of Us

“There’s nothing I care about enough to keep studying it at that level. Every time I thought about being in school for another three years, it sent me into a spiral. I’ve been doing the bare minimum all year to maintain my grades, but it is exhausting.”

Isaac stops my rambling with another question.

“So what do you want to do instead?”

That’s the biggest question, and the one I don’t have an answer for.

I shrug, not able to tell him out loud that I haven’t even thought that far ahead. Panic finally sets in when I realise what I’ve actually done. I should have applied for something, at least had it as a backup plan I could cancel at any time. But instead, I’ve got nothing to fall back on.

“Let’s think this through. I’m guessing you didn’t submit anything on UCAS?”

I shake my head, chewing on the inside of my cheek. Isaac nods, his eyes wandering to the ceiling as he tries to figure out what he wants to say.

“It’s still not too late if you want to. We can go through clearing when you get your results back,” he says, logical as ever.

“I don’t want to do that,” I tell him.

While clearing would let me apply for university once I’ve gotten my results back, it’s still not the route I want to take.

“That’s okay, there’s other things we can look into. We’ll figure it out,” he says, placing a hand on my shoulder and giving it a gentle squeeze.

“Aren’t you upset?” I ask.

I expected him to be more annoyed, to say that I shouldn’t waste my education or something like that.

“Are you?” he throws back at me.

I shake my head. The day after the deadline passed, I thought I would be frantically emailing to try and see if it wasn’t too late to apply. But instead, I felt relief. It was over, and I’d made my decision.

“Why did you think I’d react badly to that?” he asks me, a tinge of hurt in his voice.

“Because you’ve made all these plans with Violet for when I move out. I don’t want to keep being a drain on both of you when I know how expensive it is to live here.”

“What are you talking about?” He stares at me like I’ve grown two heads.

“I heard you at Christmas,” I confess. “You and Violet were talking about money. I heard you saying it was getting more expensive to live here but it’ll be okay once I leave and go to university. I don’t want to keep being a burden to the both of you.”

“Izzy, have I ever asked you for a single thing?” he questions softly.

I try to avoid his eyes, staring back down at my hands instead, but he ducks his head and forces me to look at him.

“Have I?” he repeats.

“No,” I whisper.

“So why do you think you’re a burden?” he says, and there’s a strain in his voice as he says it. “Do you think I regret anything I’ve done for you? That I did it so that you would owe me something? You’re my sister, Izzy. All I want is for you to be happy. I don’t care how much it costs me or what it takes. I’ll sacrifice anything for that.”

“But I don’t want you to have to give stuff up for me. You should put yourself first.”

“You and Violet are both my top priority. You come before anything else in my life, even me. I can’t change that even if I tried.”

My eyes go blurry, and I try to hold back the tears that threaten to fall, but I can’t.

“I don’t want to disappoint you,” I tell him quietly, voicing my biggest fear.

“You could never, Izzy. I don’t care if you don’t want to go to uni. Whatever you want to do once school ends, I’ll support you.”

When I finally work up the courage to look at my brother, there’s a glassiness to his eyes, and he’s wearing the sad smile I rarely see anymore.

---