Page 97 of The Secret Of Us

“I would like that,” she says, and I feel the up and down movement of her head as it rubs against my chest. “Let’s go to Korea.”

“Okay,” I tell her.

I know they’re empty words right now, a plan that neither of us can see through at this time. But the possibility of it, the hope that one day it can happen, soothes me.

Izzy shifts her position, laying her head down on the pillow before she pulls me down with her. We face each other, gazes focused. The room has gone dark now, and I can just about see her face.

I trace my fingers across her features, the slope of her nose, the curve of her jaw, and the shape of her lips as she presses a kiss on my fingertips. When I’ve finished mapping her out, adding these new details to my memory, she does the same to me. I shiver as her fingertip draws across my face, caressing every single part of it.

When Izzy looks at me, I realise the full extent of what I feel for her. And I know that she feels it for me, too. I think we’ve both been saying it silently to each other for a while now.

But we can’t say the words, not just yet. I’ll tell her when I come back to her, when I’m the best version of myself.

I take her hand from my face and bring it to my lips before intertwining our fingers in between our chests. She squeezes my hand, holding on to me tightly like it’ll stop me from disappearing. But I have to go.

We stay like that in silence, hands joined and desperately clinging on to each other.

Our time together was too short. Her eyelids start to droop, her breathing evening out as she falls asleep. And once she’s deep enough in it, I tell her how I feel about her in a hushed whisper of a language she can’t understand.

I let go of her, even though it tears me apart inside, and I can feel my chest caving in. From my pocket, I take out the slightly squashed paper star I’ve been carrying around for weeks, redo it so it looks as perfect as it can be, and place it on her desk.

Then I press one last kiss to her forehead and say goodbye to the girl I love.

34

IZZY

I keepmy eyes closed tight as soft lips press against my forehead. I try to steady my breathing, not move a single muscle, do everything I can so that Noah doesn’t realise I’m awake.

As soon as I hear the soft click of the door shutting close, a shuddering breath leaves me as a month of tears escapes at once. I reach my hand out, searching for someone on the other side of the bed but there’s only the slowly disappearing warmth where he should be.

* * *

When I wakeup the next morning, I hope what happened was just a bad dream. I hope I’ll switch my phone on and see Noah's text telling me he’s coming back. I hope that he’ll be right outside my door so we can walk to class together.

That’s not the reality though. Reality is the small blue paper star sitting on my desk, a final gift from him. I force myself out of bed and pick it up, balancing it on my palm as I roll a finger over it. I count the creases in it, can tell which part he folded last, the dent bigger than the others. Curling my fingers around it, I stand up and force myself to get ready for the day.

Each step feels robotic, I brush my teeth, wash my face, brush my hair, get changed into my uniform. I do it all one handed while holding on to that paper star. I tuck it in my pocket once I’ve finished getting ready—I don’t think I’ll ever leave it behind.

When I leave my room, it feels like I’m in a bubble. Every sound is muffled, people move past me in a blur, nothing is in focus. I exit the building, bypassing the dining hall because I can’t even think about eating anything right now, and make my way to homeroom.

I fold my arms across the desk as I take my seat, resting my head on them as I look at the empty space next to me. For a month, I kept hoping Noah would show up. Chloe offered to sit next to me after a week of him being gone but I told her that I knew he was coming back, that there was something in my heart convincing me he wouldn’t be gone forever.

I got what I wanted—he came back. I just didn’t think he would leave again.

Chewing on the inside of my cheek, a horrible thought crawls into my mind. I wish he hadn’t come back. I wish he’d left me wondering, because that would have been easier than having to lose him again after just getting him back. Anger bubbles within me, my eyes stinging as it threatens to spill out, but I clench my jaw, refusing to let it. Instead, hurt overtakes the sadness I felt last night, and I consider why he didn’t feel like he could talk to me about it all when it happened.

I didn’t expect him to tell me straight away of course, but a whole month? And then he just shows up at my door, knowing I’d be too surprised to turn him away. I want to throw something at him, want him to be here right now so I can yell at him, ask him why he couldn’t confide in me when I’ve told him all my secrets.

A tear spills out when I realise I don’t want that at all. I want him back here, right next to me so I can be there for him, support him through this difficult time. I want his hand in mine again, and I want more paper stars from him.

A tap on my shoulder has me lifting my head, and Chloe’s there, looking down at me with sympathy in her eyes.

“Can I sit with you?”

I haven’t told her or Amelia about Noah’s visit last night, but I also have no idea how long he was outside of my door for and how many people saw him. I nod, and she shuffles behind me, taking the seat that once belonged to Noah. She rubs a hand across my back as I press my forehead against my arms, still hoping this is a nightmare I’ll wake up from.

* * *

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