Page 8 of Going Home

"Felicity—"

"If you can't calm down, don't come home. It'll get everyone worked up with no resolution."

Sighing, he just glares, and Felicity takes it as silent compliance. She turns and leaves to head back home. The only thing she can think about is how she always wanted better for her kids than what she and Ky had. They struggled, both financially and as teenagers trying to figure out marriage and raising a child. Her parents wrote her off, so Gracie will have more of a support system than Felicity had.

And then there's Gavin. She's never told Ky how mixed her feelings are about their son joining the club. It was always assumed that's what he would do, but she'd hoped he decide to go to college and make something of himself rather than guarantee a life of outlawing. Gracie was the hope that one of them would have the life Felicity always wanted but never got. Being able to have her own identity separate from being the wife of a Drifter and doing something more with her life than raising babies.

A box sits on the front step of the house, and Felicity groans when she gets out to pick it up. "Thanks, Mom and Dad," she says, huffing as she picks it up and struggles with the weight. "Jesus, I should have waited for Ky to get home to carry this. What did you send me this time? Free weights?"

Setting the box on the counter, she opens it and shakes her head. Ever since her parents decided to move to Florida, for whatever reason, they've gone through everything and anything in the house to downsize. Which should rightfully happen when moving across the country, but anything they don't want to take with gets shipped to Felicity. Like the box filled with canning jars. She doesn't even can, and she has no plans to start.

“Goodwillwill take most of your crap, guys. You just need to call and ask me if I want it before sending it anywhere. Saves us all time," she says.

Inside sits diaries upon diaries, and she knows only a handful of them are hers. When she idolized her older sister, she started keeping a diary like Victoria. But as their relationship deteriorated, so did the desire to document anything in her life. Most of these aren't Felicity's.

The two sisters got along when they were little, but once Vicky hit middle school, everything changed. They became embroiled in this battle of who could be the one to come out on top, but Felicity has to admit, she never quite understood the rules of war. How did they determine who won let alone know what they battled for?

Whenever Felicity did something, like date the son of an Original Ten, Victoria had to do something more outrageous. Like become a club bunny when she was too young to be one. When that didn't shock anyone anymore, she became a stripper with a pretty severe drug addiction. Anything Felicity did, Vicky had to something bigger and more shocking. Which is ultimately what got her sister killed.

"Maybe this is a way to finally get to know you, Vicky," Felicity mumbles and grabs a random book, flipping it open to a middle page.

Today I fucked up. I fucked up bad. I don't know why I do these things that I do, but it's not until after I do them that I realize just how fucking stupid they are. How stupid I am. No wonder no one loves me. Who can love a fuck up like me? And why do I always hurt the people I love the most?

Everyone thinks I hate Felicity, and I can't even blame them for thinking that. Especially now. The way I act, and the things I do, tells no one the truth. That I love her more than life itself, but at the same time, she makes me hate myself. No matter what, she'll always be the better one.

And there's no coming back from what I did tonight. I just pray no one ever tells her because she'll kill me. Maybe it would be for the best. I mean, I've almost gotten myself killed a number of times, and nothing ever quite sticks. No matter what I try, death just doesn't come. I want it to. I pray for it, but I know I can't do it myself. I'm weak. I want to die, but I can't bring myself to be the one to cause me to take my last breath. I'm a fucking coward.

Felicity stops and lets out a deep breath she didn't know she'd been holding. Her sister wanted to die? Also, her sister loved her? That was the last thing she'd have ever guessed.

As much as reading this feels like an invasion of privacy Felicity has never crossed before, she has a sinking feeling she needs to know what terrible thing Vicky did. What would make her hate her sister if she ever found out.

Maybe that's why I did it. I know there was some sympathy because Ky's mom was just murdered a week ago, and Felicity was being a raging bitch about it. She broke up with the guy before Nancy died, and she has yet to reach out to him. She says she loved him, but how can you love someone and not be there when they need someone the most? When I saw him, he'd been drinking, and no one even batted an eye.

What captivated me, though, was the look he had. The desire to escape the pain, and I've been there. Hell, I live there. Every fucking day. And I knew of the one way that always works for me to take my mind off the horrors of my life. If anyone needed to get away from the horror story he called life, Ky had me beat in spades.

He'd had enough to drink that he didn't even hesitate when I offered to take him to a room. In fact, he looked relieved to have someone talking to him. I know Felicity held out on him, and it was no secret he was a virgin. There was too much eagerness in his eyes when he realized what I planned to do to tell me otherwise. And I don't know if my little sister ever got on her knees to give him a good blowjob, but I decided that he needed to be shown a good time considering the hell he was in. Something to take his mind off his dead mom.

For a man as inexperienced as he was, he lasted longer than expected. In fact, he made me come before he finally did. Maybe it's his size, or maybe it was the fact I did something Felicity never had, but I did feel pretty damn amazing in the moment. To have someone finally choose me over my sister. Even if it's only because he's drunk and in pain, he still said yes. He let me take him to bed, and he fucked me. His first time fucking was with me. God, I hate that I still feel a small semblance of superiority thinking about it now.

But the minute we both came down from our orgasmic highs, we knew it was a mistake. Big mistake. Huge. No matter how good it felt, there was never a question that Felicity still has his heart. He loves her, and so do I.

God, he looked sick. He looked as sick as I feel. He got up, dressed, and left without saying a word. Even though it should make me feel cheap, it was a relief. I know he won't tell her. He'll die before telling her, and I fucking won't. I just hope I don't lose my shit and tell it to someone else. I have to do everything in my power not to say a damn word because it will crush my sister.

Even though it would be the perfect bomb to drop and destroy Felicity, I don't really want to do that. Not today. And I don't know that I want to destroy her that badly ever.

I am the world's biggest fuck up.

The diary falls from Felicity's hand as she struggles to breathe, her hands gripping the counter. Ky lied. He told her they lost their virginities to each other, but he lost it to her older sister. And he never told her.

"Fucking Lex and Colt know. And so does Ashley. Everyone knows but me," she says and clenches her fists. "They all fucking lie."

Chapter Four

Griffin's Beach

Lex

Lexspentmostofthe day away from the house as she dealt with things. She's emotionally drained, and she just wishes there was a way to snap her fingers and have the house completely set up without having do anything. As much as she loves Colt, she doubts he's able to pull off the miracle that would require, and she still has to talk to Jennings today. Sounds like she's going to miss sleep for at least a few nights.

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