Page 82 of Going Home

I hate myself. I can't believe I did that. Ky wasn't the only one sick, and after he left the room, I ran to the bathroom and threw up. The voices in my head screamed at me. They kept telling me what a shitty person I was, and I know they were right. I am a shitty person. It doesn't matter that Felicity and Ky weren't together when I fucked him, he's her ex-boyfriend. My sister's ex is always off-limits.

To shut out the voices, I dug through my purse for all of the pills I could find. I took them, and for two days, I have no idea what happened. I woke up with two men in bed with me, so I have some type of an idea of what I did. No idea where I was or who they were, and I have no idea how long I'd been there until I got home. But my ass was sore, so I know at least one of them took that. Definitely not my proudest moment.

It still doesn't compare to how I felt like absolute garbage as I walked home, ass aching, thinking about how I got into this position in the first place. What I did to my sister. I think it was about eight times that I thought about just stepping into oncoming traffic before I made it to Derek's apartment. Luckily, he'd been so high off his ass that he didn't realize I'd even been gone. Not like he'd really care that much anyway.

Then Ky came to talk to me this morning, and he looked as terrible as I felt. It doesn't really make a girl feel great when a man gets physically ill and torn up after fucking her, but I couldn't deny I felt the same way. I may have been his first fuck, but Felicity will always have his heart. The one he loves. I don't think anyone's ever loved me before. Not for more than a night or two. And I know I deserve that.

He asked if I'd told Felicity about what happened, and I asked if he was nuts. I never plan to. And I really don't. No matter how pissed I get at her, I'll never tell. It would break her, and I'd jump off a bridge before I ever caused her that much pain. It was the dumbest decision I've ever made.

I have to admit that I'm glad Lex is in Arizona because I know Ky won't be able to stop himself from telling her. And she would kick my fucking ass. She's the only person besides my mother that I'm terrified of. I'll hide it every time, but if it came down to it, Lex could kill me. Her brother has made her so hard that she'd take out a grown man two feet taller than her before she'd ever admit defeat. And her love of my sister is the only one that rivals mine. And Zane's. How Zane hasn't completely hardened Lex, I'll never know, but I'm glad she's a fierce protector of Felicity. I've seen it, and she doesn't tell people. God, I hate that I admire that curly bitch. Another Little Miss Perfect.

I don't think I have to worry about Lex telling Felicity. Just like Ky and me, Lex would never want to hurt her. She's the only real friend Felicity's ever had, and I wish I had a Lex in my life. She'll probably push Ky to tell Felicity, but I don't think he ever will. He'll lose her forever if he does, and he'd never risk that. As much as I love Felicity, she has a defiant streak, and she loves to have a reason to be angry. Instead, Ky will just find ways to punish himself instead. Which is exactly why I went and landed myself a job at the strip club. If I'm going to be a whore, I might as well make decent money off of it. Happy birthday to me.

Leaning back in the chair, Felicity can't stop the sobs. Vicky was sick. Sick enough to need medication as well as therapy, but she refused. Her terrible decisions were driven by her illness, and she felt the need to punish herself for it.

She always looked up to her big sister. She didn't agree with Vicky's choices, but she envied how free she always seemed. Like she didn't care what anyone thought about her decisions because it was her life. How many of those decisions were driven by her desire to punish herself?

"Mom?" Gracie asks and walks into the living room. "Are you okay?"

"I've made a lot of mistakes, kid," Felicity says and sets the diaries back inside the box. Pulling her daughter into her arms, she sets Gracie on her lap like a small child.

It's a bit awkward, but Gracie doesn't push her mother away. "It's never too late to try and come back from them. You can still make things right, Mom."

"Baby, I'm sorry for how I've acted lately. How I've made you feel."

Even her sister knew she liked to have a reason to be angry back then. If anything, it's only gotten worse with age. She's been so focused on being upset and wronged that she didn't step back to see the big picture.

"It's not an ideal situation for us, I know," she says and rests her hand on the growing baby bump. "I know I disappointed you."

Kissing her temple, she doesn't attempt to stop the tears. "I just wanted more for you than I had. But I can't be disappointed in you when I was the one who set this example. I know what you're going through, and I'm sorry I haven't been here for you more."

"Mom, I have to ask you something, and I want an honest answer. I won't hold it against you, okay? But I need to know."

"What's that Gracie?"

"Do you regret having Gavin? I won't say a word, but I... I need to know because I don't want to make a decision that I'll wish I'd made differently later on."

Shaking her head, she squeezes Gracie's arm. "Not for a single second. I love your brother, and I love you. You're not sure you want to raise the baby anymore?"

"I thought I did, but with everything going on, I can't help but wonder if I'm making the wrong choice. I don't want to resent my baby, and I'm not in the same boat as you and Dad. He was around and wanted to be part of things. I'm alone."

"You're not alone. You have me. And you know you have your dad and brother, too. But, baby, you should at least be able to get some type of assistance from the father. Either financial or even a weekend here and there."

Gracie stands and shakes her head. "No, I can't. It's complicated. He won’t even acknowledge he's the father. Or that we were ever together."

"Gracie—"

"It was a stupid decision on my part. I didn't realize he was dating anyone, and I let my hormones get the best of me. He was so sweet and caring. It just happened, and afterwards, he got up, got dressed, and said it was a mistake. He has a girlfriend, and as far as he was concerned, it never happened."

The watery gaze her daughter gives her puts Felicity into protective Mama Bear mode. "What?"

"I feel so dirty and used. When I saw him at school after we slept together, he ignored me. Looked at me like I was disgusting, but when I found out I was pregnant, I thought maybe it would change his mind. That what we did wasn't a mistake, but he said we never had sex. He wasn't the father, and he'd never touch me. It must be one of the many other guys I'm sleeping with, and he'll deny everything if I try to get anything from him."

Her eyebrow raises. "He knows who your father is, right?"

"That's where it gets complicated."

"Please tell me he's not a Drifter. Or related to one."

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