Page 85 of Going Home

A loud sob shakes Lane's body, and she balls her hands into fists. "God!"

"What is it? Do you need me to get the nurse? Do you need more pain meds?" she asks in alarm.

"No," she says, grabbing Lex's wrist and stopping her from climbing off the bed. "I'm so angry, Lex. I'm so mad."

"At me?"

Shaking her head, she sniffles as her hair sticks to her wet cheeks. "At God. At the universe. At my fucking body. And I'm scared."

She shifts over and pulls Lane as gingerly as she can into her arms. "I think that's normal and okay. Margaret is going to be taken care of. I promise you that."

"I know you'll make sure she's okay. I'm scared because I know I'm going to miss it all. And I’m pissed off because I need fifty more years."

"I know."

Taking a shaky breath, her teeth chatter. "I want to be here to help her get ready for prom. For her first date. I want to watch her walk across the stage at her graduation and be the annoying mom in the aisle taking pictures as she accepts her diploma. I want to be there when she picks out her wedding dress and help her get ready to marry the person of her dreams. To help her when she has her first baby and guide her to be a good partner for someone. Lex, I'm never going to hold my grandbabies."

Lex holds her, but she's unable to hold back her own tears any longer. "You will be with her. You'll find ways to guide her. I know you, and you will be present. She'll feel you with her, especially when she needs you the most."

"It's not the same as being there in person. I won't be able to hold her when she has her first heartbreak. To ground her for drinking or smoking. Even having the sex talk and scaring the hell out of her to try and stop her from getting pregnant."

"I'm good for scaring the hell out of people. You can tag me in."

She laughs, but the sobs don't subside. "I want one more Christmas with her. And with Zane. I've never felt love like I have with him, and I'm so scared he won't survive this. He's not strong like you are, Lex. And he's so angry. I know you don't owe us any more than you’ve already given, but please try to help him direct his anger to the right person."

Even though she knows Zane will never listen to her, she doesn't have the heart to tell Lane it would be for nothing if Lex talked to Zane about who to be angry with. Deep down, she knows Lane knows the truth, but if believing Lex has any power when it comes to her brother makes her feel better, she'll let her.

"I don't want to leave them," Lane sobs. "I want to be magically cured and stay here. Why couldn't the treatments work? Why didn't my body respond to them the way it was supposed to? Why couldn't I be one of those inspirational success stories everyone strives to be?"

It's the first time since Lane told Lex about the diagnosis and prognosis that she's actually broken down. That she's talked about dying without it being clinical and what she wants. It made it easier to talk about.

"I don't know," Lex whispers. "I want to say the universe has a reason for everything, but I can't come up with anything right now that would be rational or comforting. This is something that just happens, and it sucks. I wish we could change the outcome. If I had the power, I'd take it away from you and give it to someone terrible. Like Lacey's dad, who I think might still be kicking somehow. He deserves this, not you."

"It's not fair. It's just... It's unfair."

Words can't comfort her right now, so Lex just holds her until she cries herself to sleep. Being a mother herself, she can't even fathom the idea of having to leave her kids behind like this. It's a pain that scares her more than anything else she's ever had to face, and the only comfort she'll find tonight is when she goes home and hugs her babies. She needs to hold them close and thank the universe she's still here even though she's had so many situations where she almost wasn't. She's not sure why she was spared, but she'll be forever grateful.

Chapter Thirty

Griffin's Beach

Lex

"It'llbeanytimenow," Maggie says before walking out of the room.

Lex sits at the foot of the bed while Zane and Margaret lie on either side of Lane and hold her hands. The irony of the nurse handling Lane's end of life care having the same name as Zane's mom's nickname isn't lost on Lex. It almost feels like fate.

This is the first time Zane's been too preoccupied to shoot daggers at his sister since everything happened, but Lex hates the change. It means it's really the end. Even though she's sitting at Lane's feet, watching her fade in and out with the high doses of medication, it still doesn't feel real. This whole scene feels like a nightmare, and Lex just wishes she could wake up from it. Wake up back in Summerville. In her reality, Lucas and Hailey don't have a terrible home life, and neither has lost their parents. Everyone is happy and healthy.

Tears fall from Zane's eyes, and Lex wishes there was something she could do. Anything. It hurts her, no matter how shitty of a person he's been to her, to know that this is the second time he's done this. Held the hand of the most important woman in his life as she takes her final breaths. She has no idea how he's handling this as well as he is right now because she'd be a mess in his shoes. A bigger mess.

"I love you," Lane whispers, her eyes closed. "I'll always love you."

As she lies there, she looks like a doll. Her long lashes rest on her pale cheeks, and she's still beautiful. The only marks marring her otherwise almost serene look are the dark areas under her eyes from the exhaustion her body's been put through for so long now.

"I love you, too, baby," Zane says between sobs.

There's something about watching Drifter men, arguably some of the strongest men in the world, crying that punches Lex right in the gut. These men can fight to the death, lose limbs, and risk their lives daily without flinching, but the loss of a loved one brings them to their knees. It's their Achilles’ heel.

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