Page 92 of Going Home

He sighs and looks down, forcing her to drop her hands, but she doesn't step away. "I was in a dark place."

His voice stays low and quiet, and she struggles with the desire at his gravelly voice. Considering the circumstances, she shouldn't want him, but it's been too long since she's been with him. She wants him more than she remembers ever wanting him before, and the fact she wants him while he tells her about the night he lost his virginity to her sister is even more confusing.

"You know how I came to be here. Dad wasn't even there, Mom had been murdered, and Ashley was high before I knew she was even using. We weren't talking, and I needed something to try and take away the pain. I think a few of the guys even poured me shots that night."

"You don't have to justify why you were here," she whispers. "I understand that."

Swallowing, he pauses and takes a long breath in through his nose before slowly blowing it out of his mouth. "Your sister walked into the clubhouse. She'd just started hanging around, and I'm pretty sure she'd been with a few guys. At least the prospects. She sat down next to me at the bar, and we just talked. There was something in how the conversation went that felt like she understood what I was feeling. Then she offered me comfort, and I needed something. Even if it was just a hug, I needed some sort of physical affection. It turned into something more."

All Felicity can do is picture Vicky sitting next to the only man Felicity has ever loved at the bar and leading him to an empty room. It makes her nauseous, and the bile rises into her throat, forcing her to swallow it down. "Did she offer a hug? Or did she offer sex?"

"I don't even remember how exactly it happened. The next thing I knew, we were in a room in the clubhouse, and we were naked. I was too drunk to really put the condom on myself, so she did it. She knew we'd never done it, and she talked me through what to do. I don't remember that much about being with her, but as soon as we were done, I fucking sobered up."

"Did you get sick?"

He nods, but his eyes stay glued to the floor. "Yeah, I did. It was a mistake, and I would've given just about anything to go back and change it. To tell her no and saved myself for you. I hated myself after that. Part of me still hates myself, and I think I look for things I can consider punishment."

Vicky had Ky before Felicity did. She was there for him when Felicity wasn't, and she gave him something Felicity should have. It was her own fault Ky was in the vulnerable state to take advantage of something he never would have otherwise. She wasn't there for him when she should have been. It should have been her, not Vicky.

"I ran to the bathroom and threw up when I realized it was her on my arm. I think Victoria thought it was the alcohol, but it wasn't. It was knowing how I'd betrayed you. We only spoke one time after that, and we were on the same page. At least, until she wrote it down in the diary you read."

"She knew it wasn't the alcohol," Felicity whispers.

"I have to ask you something now. What Lex said... Was it all true?"

Looking to the side and away from the worried expression she knows is directed at her, she nods. "Yes."

"You fucked around at a bachelorette party?"

"I don't know," she says, her eyes burning. "I've never blacked out before, and I didn't think I drank that much. My cousin thinks one of my drinks may have been spiked, but all I know is that I woke up naked and alone. I'm not sure if I undressed myself or if someone else was with me that night. When I woke up, I barely made it to the bathroom in time, and I don't know what—if—anything happened. But when I found out just over three weeks later that I was pregnant, I panicked."

"But Gracie's mine?"

Sniffling, she wipes her eyes and nods. "Yes, she is. She didn't get your height, but she got your broad shoulders. Poor girl."

He laughs. "Yeah, she can't really pull off tank tops. And the gas station guy?"

"You pushed me away because you were mad at Ashley and Colt. You stopped letting me in, and I went out one night. The guy was nice, and we talked. You and I hadn't done that since she came home, and then I went out again. And again. You didn't even notice I'd been gone, which made me want to do something. You just kind of forgot about me."

"But you didn't sleep with him?"

Sniffling again, she wipes her nose with the back of her hand as ladylike as possible, her eyes fixated on the blackout curtains. "No, but I thought about it. Really thought about it, and he mentioned it a few times. Seeing him outside the bar took away the allure. He wasn't worth losing you, and it wasn't just because he was a gas station attendant. Without the bar lights, he was just another guy. I liked having someone listen to me, and I felt like I mattered when I talked to him. He cared. You hadn't done that for a while when I met him."

Letting out a deep breath, Ky stays silent. Felicity finally turns to look at him when she can't take the silence any longer, and the tears in his eyes as he stares at her hurts more than she thought possible.

"You wanted to leave and take the kids away from me?" he asks.

"We were all scared. There was an opportunity to get away and keep our kids safe. We went on the defensive, and someone had a contact who could get us new identities. There was a meeting set up for us to discuss it. I can't say for sure whether or not I would have gone through with it, but I did seriously think about it."

"Lex fought you on it, and you backed down?"

She can't look at him anymore, and she steps back. Her fingers find the ends of her hair, and she focuses on her split ends. "Yes. I got annoyed with her. And when she stood up against us, I just wanted to defy her, honestly. I watched the way Tess kept looking at her like she was the one who could shut it all down, and something in me snapped. We almost came to blows, and she told us we were all stupid."

"You were stupid," he says, anger dripping from each word. "Did you really think that if you left that those who stayed behind wouldn't tell us what happened?"

"We thought we'd get away before you had the chance to stop us. Someone said not even Brock would be able to find us after everything was set up, but Lex made a damn good argument that killed the idea. We couldn't argue with her, which kind of pissed me off more, too."

He snorts and stands, moving towards the door and giving them more space. "What was that?"

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