Page 53 of Sorry, We're Closed

“You go first.”

“No, you.”

“No, you.”

“ALRIGHT!” Marcus’s voice holds an immense amount of bass compared to mine.

I purse my lips together to contain the building laughter I have which I know will turn into a cackle. I hate that I love how in sync we are.

“Count to three? And we both say our news?”

I nod to his suggestion and suddenly, my heartbeat quickens and lodges itself in my throat. I’m about to say these words out loud to someone else who isn’t Sawyer. I’ve been with countless amounts of people in my past, but no one has ever made me feel the warmth that brews inside me when I’m with him. I can’t explain what Sawyer does or doesn’t do, but I find myself missing a part of myself that I never knew existed when I’m away from him. A part of me which wants to sit, drink coffee which he makes, hold his lips against mine, learning every single aspect of his mind and body and for him to do the same with me. Three, two, one…

“I think I’m falling—”

“We’ve just been scouted!”

The words catch in my throat and Marcus is yet to hear my news, and for a few moments, I don’t care.

We’ve been scouted.

After years of performing, rehearsing, moving in and out of countless homes, we finally have our shot out there. Our shot to make Bright Lights a reality. Our elation overpowers every other emotion possible as I leap towards Marcus, my legs gripping around his hips and Marcus’ robust arms enveloping me. As my legs slowly begin to slip, I plant my feet on the floor, the sudden thud rumbling through my legs making me realise how weak I have gotten.

Marcus’ hands cup over my shoulders while I rest mine on his forearms. Our laughter dies down and a comforting silence falls between us. A silence which celebrates that we finally did it. Marcus’ eyes fix onto mine and a smile spreads from ear to ear, waves of creases settling in across his cheeks and under his eyes.

His eyes begin to well up, his eyelines shimmering with the overhead lighting, and I struggle to choke out the words that I want to thank him. To thank him for getting us to where we are today, to thank him for taking me on and for allowing me to be a part of this incredible journey which became ours. But before I can speak, Marcus sniffles and begins.

“This woman, Rae, she saw our show on the beach and loved us! She dug around backstage for us, but we were long gone so she got our contact info from that Brendon kid.”

To think that we were so close to having a scout find us back then makes my head light. We really could have been anywhere else right now if we had hung about even a few minutes more, or if our set had run over somehow, but instead my head begins to spiral while we remain in our flat in Tetherton.

If we had been scouted back then, I wouldn’t be stood here now with an attraction to an incredible yet bruised man, who I fear is about to shatter further than I believe he can recover from. Gwen’s words echo in my mind about Sawyer’s trust, Sawyer’s past, Sawyer’s pain, and to know that I am likely to add to this causes my body to burn in flashes of overwhelming heat.

Marcus’ smooth tone anchors my mind back to the flat, to the present

“She already knows of a band who may like us to support, and a load of festivals who would kill for our sound, A!”

I feel my head and my heart rip between the two people I care for the most, and it scares me that Sawyer has already taken the position of one of those people. Sawyer’s smile takes its form in my mind throughout all the mess that is currently flooding my thoughts, and yet it somehow blesses me with a sense of calm. I can feel my breathing again and the need to remove everything from my body because it is too damn hot is dissipating slowly. I manage to fumble some sort of sentence from my lips, and I’m sure Marcus has noticed my sudden lack of enthusiasm as he begins to rub his hands back and forth over my shoulders.

I dread asking this question, but I need to hear him tell me. “That’s great, amazing even. So, when do we leave?”

I’m convinced I heard him earlier on the phone, but I need to understand how much longer I have with Sawyer. How much longer I have before I need to say goodbye and forget the man who made me feel this comforting fire, who made me see colours that only we can see, who made me speak languages which only we will ever understand. But not for much longer.

“We leave early next week! We’ll need to start getting the boxes out again and packing up. This flat served us well, don’t you think?”

I nod and release the most half-hearted laugh I can muster with the emotions which are currently swirling around my mind and throughout all my limbs. I have never, once in my life, not wanted to leave somewhere. I have never had this urge to hold Marcus by the collar and to call on all the confidence I can find to convince him that we don’t need to leave.

I need air, I need something cold to run across my body because I can feel the sweat building under my layers.

Marcus pats my shoulder twice and I attempt to sprint for my bedroom, and with each step, I can feel my eyes watering, my vision becoming harder to comprehend.

As my hand reaches for the door handle, his voice becomes soft, kind as he speaks, “You’re not excited, are you?”

I can hear the consideration in his voice. I can hear that he cares. I can’t do this to him, though. It’s not fair when he dropped everything for me, I need to do the same for him.

I choke up on my words, and once again, Marcus’ hand is on my shoulder and his voice quiet. “Can I take a guess as to why?”

He knows.

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