Page 9 of Exposed Ink

And I single-handedly destroyed it.

THREE

Kinsley

Valentine’s Day.

A holiday I used to look forward to.

When I was younger, my mom would buy my siblings and me each a basket. She would fill it with chocolates and other goodies, always saying that regardless of who came into our lives, we’d always be her Valentines and that I was her first since I came along before my dad and siblings.

When I got older, it meant fun dances and the boy I liked asking me to be his Valentine. And when I started dating Brandon, it meant sharing the day with the person I loved.

Now that I’m a widow, it means spending the holiday alone and remembering all the good times Brandon and I had.

Today is the third Valentine’s Day without him, and even though it gets easier, it still hurts to think about the fact that we’ll never celebrate together again. We’ll never kiss or hug or make love. We’ll never conceive another baby together.

My hand goes to the area that carried our little girl. I was supposed to protect her, but instead, I killed her. She should be here, dressed in a pretty pink-and-red outfit. I should be following in my mom’s tradition to buy her a basket of goodies.

Instead, her ashes sit next to my husband’s in a glass cabinet that I can’t even stand to look at because I did that. I killed them both, and because of my actions, I’ll never celebrate another holiday with either of them.

A knock on the door brings me back to the present, and I climb out of bed, knowing it’s my mom. Normally, she’d be here even earlier, but since we didn’t get home from the hospital until late last night, she probably wanted to give me time to get some sleep.

“Happy Valentine’s Day!” Mom says, holding up the white wicker basket and then enveloping me in a motherly hug. “I love you, my Valentine.”

“I love you too,” I choke out, hating that even after almost three years, I still get emotional.

“For you,” she says, stepping into my place.

It was once a pool house that they turned into a mother-in-law suite my grandparents stayed in when they visited from Ireland. After the car crash, when I couldn’t face going back to the townhouse, Mom and Dad insisted I move in here, so I’d be close and have my own space. Lately, I’ve been considering getting my own place, but I haven’t taken the initiative yet.

“Thank you.” I set the basket on the counter.

“How are you feeling?” Mom asks carefully.

“Fine.” I shrug. “Tired but alive.”

Mom nods, and then tears fill her eyes, and before I know it, she’s got me wrapped up in another hug. “I was so scared,” she cries. “When Natalia called …”

“I know, but I’m okay. The second I realized I forgot my EpiPen, she called for an ambulance.”

“You’re so calm and strong,” she says, pulling back and wiping her tears.

“More like numb,” I mutter, tears pricking my eyes.

“No,” she says, shaking her head. “You’re strong, Kins. What you went through, what you’ve lost. Only someone with a shit ton of strength could continue to wake up every morning and keep moving forward.”

“It doesn’t feel like I’m moving forward,” I admit out loud. “It feels like I’m just existing.”

“Oh, sweetheart.” She pulls me into her arms. “It takes time. It took me six years, your dad tearing down my walls, and many years of therapy for me to truly move forward from my past,” she says, referring to the time she was married to my sperm donor.

He cheated on her and then died during a carjacking while he was on a date with his mistress. My mom not only picked herself up and moved forward, but she did it while pregnant and then raised me for several years as a single mom.

“And it’s even harder for you because Brandon was a good man and husband,” she adds, making my heart clench behind my rib cage.

“He was the best,” I whisper. “And I can’t imagine finding anyone like him …” Nor do I want to.

Mom pulls back and looks into my eyes. “And you won’t ever find someone like him. He was one of a kind, just like Lachlan is in my eyes. Nobody is asking or expecting you to replace Brandon, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to find someone new to love.”

---