Page 85 of Hungry Hearts

Thankful for the craziness of a Saturday night, I don’t have time to wallow or think about the emptiness in my chest. It’s not just Maia I miss. It hurts not seeing Rubes. Not saying goodbye to her. Fuck, I miss her sticky hand in mine and the way she runs into my legs in a crushing hug.

When the restaurant is empty and cleaned for the night, I take the elevator up to the penthouse. After days of Maia blowing up my phone with texts and calls, then warning me that she was going to park herself outside my apartment door if I didn’t call her back, I played it safe by holeing up here.

No, I’m not playing it safe. I chickened out. I didn’t want to hear her excuses. Her lies about it never happening again, that it was only the one time, that it was a birthday fuck because herfriendwas sad and needed her.

Fuck that. I’m not strong enough to listen to her excuses and meaningless apologies and not go back to her. I’m not strong enough to not yell at her and say hurtful things I can never take back.

I’ve learned that much from my parents. Walking away is the smart thing to do, and I’m barely strong enough to do it.

I’m thankful I never brought her here, so there are no memories of her laughter bringing light to the penthouse. I turn on my bedroom light and stare down at my bed, thankful there are no memories of her in it. I change out of my clothes and pad across the hall to the shower, thankful there are no memories of fucking her up against the wall.

No, the shower memories that I have of her aren’t of our last morning together. They’ve been tarnished and washed down the drain, replaced by her bent over as she was that afternoon, only with another man’s cock in her.

“Fuck.” I pound my fist against the tile wall, not caring when my knuckle splits open. The blood swirls down the drain, like my life. This is why I avoided falling in love, why I avoided attachment. Nothing good comes from it.

That saying is bullshit. Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? Fucking bullshit. I was happy two months ago before I ever laid eyes on Maia fucking Remington.

The lie comes easily. It has to. I have to keep lying to myself or I’ll fall into the endless, hopeless cycle that sucked the life out of my father.

I won’t do that to myself or to Ruby.

Ruby.Hell, I miss the kid. I wish there was a way to keep her in my life. But if I see her, I’ll want to see her mother. And as soon as I do, I’ll cave. She’s a siren and I’m a hopeless sailor.

I turn off the water and dry myself then fall into bed, naked and alone.

By six o’clock, I’ve given up on the possibility of sleep. I trudge out to the living room and pick up the gaming system. My days have been spent playing mindless video games until it’s time to go to the restaurant. I don’t even bother eating, taking bites of food while I’m at work instead of feeding myself here.

My body is too exhausted, too physically and emotionally drained to throw a bagel in the toaster. Hell, I haven’t even been drinking coffee. Coffee reminds me too much of Maia. After a long Sunday night, I do more of the same. Shower, punch the tiles, toss and turn, and park my ass on the couch to zone out in front of the PlayStation.

Mondays used to be my favorite day of the week. I can’t keep my mind from wandering and thinking about what Maia is doing today on her day off. Probably taking a shower with herfriend.

I turn up the music to head-jarring metal and pick up my controller. It’s gonna be a long day and longer night.

“Hey, sexy.” A pillow meets my face and I startle awake.

“What the—” I blink open my eyes and three figures blur in front of me.

The music is off, the silence in the penthouse penetrating through my throbbing head, but my video game is still on the television screen. I wipe the drool off my mouth and sit up, rubbing the back of my neck. I’ve spent more time on this couch, awake and sleeping, in the past few days than in the four years we’ve had the penthouse.

“You were snoring.” Nora holds her lower back while she settles on the couch next to me.

“I don’t snore.”

“Right.” She chuckles. “Your lady friends just don’t want to hurt your ego.”

“I don’tsleepwith my lady friends.” Except for Maia, and she’s never told me I snore. Granted, we’ve yet to do an all-nighter. Except for our first time together in the hotel room. But sleep wasn’t on the agenda.

“Which is why we’re here.” Avery takes the controller out of my lap and tosses it to the floor then plops herself next to me.

“We’re worried about you.” Ella takes a seat on the coffee table and pats my knees.

“You’re worried because I don’t do sleepovers with the women I fuck?” I rub my eyes with the back of my hands. It’s too early for this shit. No doubt the guys are going to come storming in here any minute to call me on my odd behavior.

I don’t care if I offend them. I love them like sisters and would do anything for them, apart from baring my soul.

“We’re worried about you because you’re not yourself.” Nora rubs her belly and props her feet up on the table next to Ella.

“Listen, I appreciate the concern, but I’m fine.”

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