Page 44 of Out of Control

“So? Adults have urges and needs too.”

“Adults are capable of controlling their urges and needs.”

Drago surprised him by becoming serious himself, staring down at him intently. “This thing between us has never been about simple needs. It has always been more complicated than that. I know you had feelings for me, just as surely as I had feelings for you.”

Spencer opened his mouth to deny it, but Drago cut him off. Which was just as well. Drago was not wrong.

“Because you were a coward and ran away from me the last time, we have a whole mess of unresolved feelings between us. I don’t know about you, but they’ve fucked up my love life ever since I woke up that morning without you beside me. Go ahead. Deny that they’ve messed you up too.”

“I… they… no…. Fine. The feelings messed me up too.” Dammit. He simply wasn’t capable of lying to this man. Not about that. He’d spent too long second-guessing himself, too long wishing he hadn’t left Drago that way, too long praying to whatever god would listen for a do-over.

And now, when his prayer had finally come true, he was completely tongue-tied. “I was young,” he mumbled. “Inexperienced. Overwhelmed.”

“Overwhelmed by what, Spencer?”

He shook his head.

“What? Are you going to try to convince me that SEALs can’t, or won’t, talk about their feelings?” Dray taunted. “That’s bullshit, you know. I mean, I get that you’re supposed to shut that shit down in the field. Guys in my line of work do the same thing. We can’t afford to get lost in fear or paranoia or worrying about the stuff going on back at home. But right now, like this, in a safe place with no bullets flying overhead, you are, in fact, allowed to experience human emotions. Hell, you’re even allowed to express them. Live a little, buddy. Tell me how you feel.”

“Are you done?”

Drago didn’t even crack a smile. “No, Spencer. I’m not done. You need to loosen up a little. Correction: you need to loosen up a lot. The past ten years haven’t been good to you. You’re wound so tight, I’m afraid you’re going to explode.”

“I’m fine.” He tried again to dislodge Drago from his lap to no avail.

“Puh-lease. You haven’t changedthatmuch. You’re anything but fine. You’re a family man through and through. But you seem convinced you can either have a career or family, but not both. Which is crap.”

“No, it’s not. If I have a family, I want to do it right.”

“That’s an excuse. Plenty of SEALs have families and pull it off.”

“Not me.”

“Total cop-out.” He rolled his eyes. “You take great care of everyone else around you, but you don’t take care of yourself. At all. I’ll bet you’ve never even heard the phrase ‘self-care.’”

“Just because I choose not to pursue having a personal sex life doesn’t mean I’m somehow abusing myself.”

“Listen to yourself.” He imitated Spencer’s words. “Because you choose not to pursue having a personal sex life.” He shifted on Spencer’s lap. “C’mon. Call it what it is. You’re scared shitless about being out while you’re still on active duty.”

“Why would I make my job any harder than it already is?”

“Maybe because it would be good for your mental health to be authentically yourself?”

“When did you go and get a doctorate in psychology?”

“Admit it. You’re afraid of what will happen between us if you let down your guard.”

Was Drago right? Was he afraid? Fear was not an emotion SEALs were trained to acknowledge. Or, if they acknowledged it, they were trained to suppress it completely. He mumbled, “Are you forgetting what happened on the beach in Tel Aviv? That’s what happens when I let down my guard.”

“That was a fluke. Bad guys aren’t going to jump out of the closet and kill you if you have sex with me.”

He went very still beneath Dray.

For his part, Drago was silent, staring him down, daring him to face his fear.

Reluctantly, he ripped that emotional bandage off. “Fine. Maybe I have been underestimating what’s between us a bit.”

“A bit?”

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