Page 100 of Ruined Vows

Not since four weeks ago when he had the nightmare that startled us both so much I ended up on the floor. Isaak has refused to sleep in the same bed as me since, but he wouldn’t go to another room either, citing his stupid rules.

Domhnall ordered a double bed for him once he learned he was sleeping on the couch, and the huge guest room we’re in fits the two beds without any problem.

But the nightmares are still keeping him up.

I don’t know if I was just sleeping through them at first and they were always this bad, or if they’ve gotten worse.

Every morning, though, the shadows underneath his eyes get deeper. His nighttime shouting has woken me at least twice more. Other times, when I woke up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I found him tossing and turning or already awake, sitting up in bed and staring into the darkness.

He won’t talk about it, either, the stubborn ass. He totally shuts down every time I try to bring it up. But that’s generally been the extent of our relationship ever since that night.

Shut down.

He was weird and distant the whole next day. Then he totally lost it the following night, when I confronted him about being ridiculous after he started settling in on the couch again.

“Get it through your head! I’m not sleeping with you anymore.” Emphatic arm motions accompanied each word. “It’s done.Over. No more cuddling. No more fucking. It was fun while it lasted, but I’m here to do a job, and that’sit. You’re not paying me to fucking cuddle you at night.”

His words lit me right up. “I never said I was!Youwere the one who insisted on climbing inmybed, asshole. Don’t get shit twisted.”

I got right up in his face. I’d already been so emotional, going back and forth in my head all day—Isaak or Drew, Drew or Isaak, or neither?—and here he was, proving what an idiot I was for even thinking about a future with him.

“If you’re done, fine with me. Good riddance.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

Then we retreated to our respective corners and have stayed there ever since.

Burying myself in my students and research for my dissertation the past few weeks has kept me from thinking about the rollercoaster tracks I’m speeding down so quickly. But we’ve somehow roared through November, halfway into December, and now the wedding is next week right before Christmas. Drew’s father picked the date because everyone would already be in town for the holidays.

I force myself to breathe out. First things first. The students took their final and handed in their last essays today. The essays are a bust, but I thought I’d give it one last try to see if my last few lectures on ethics had any significant impact.

That’s a bignopeburger.

At least the in-class final will tell me if they actually learned anything this semester. I’ll never be the kind of professor who fails a lot of kids. I was basically just in their shoes and know they’re trying to balance actual lives and relationships and the holy shit of suddenly being in college.

Really, Isaak did me a favor by clearing things up without me even having to ask any embarrassing questions.

God, I was such anidiotto think he might have wanted to change anything in his life for me. Or that I was any different than any of the other girls he’s had. Older doesn’t mean different, just more stuck in his ways. I was a fun fuck for a while. That’s all.

And really, it’s completely fair. He never promised me anything else. We were both clear on what we were doing when we fell into bed together. It was a rush of mad chemistry, and like anything that combustive, it quickly burned itself out.

Except… nothing’s burned out for me.

This is why we don’t listen to the voices in our head.

Because consequences are a bitch. But being so close to Isaak without being able to touch him these last weeks…

He doesn’t even call me annoying nicknames or verbally poke at me anymore. He’s just turned into a security robot like I expected him to be at first. He’s still here, but he’s also already gone.

If I stopped running around with my mile-a-minute life for two seconds, the urge to cry would overwhelm me. Which is why I’ve stayed very, very busy.

Neither of us has said it, but I’m pretty sure Isaak’s leaving when I get married. This was all just a favor to Domhn. It’s not like I’m going to keep living at Domhn’s place. Drew and I always planned to move in together after the wedding.

After all my bold self-talk about being able to change and the possibility of rewiring neurons, when Isaak basically broke up with me—pathetic but that’s how it feels even though we were never officially together—I just shrank back into myself. Like the coward I am, I’ve kept going along with all the wedding preparations.

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