Page 48 of The Upgrade

“Why does this matter?”

“I hate her.” Clara hiccups, losing the thread of the story.

“Because,” says Camille, always the voice of reason. “Was it that you dug in your heels and didn’t want to give in because you wanted to show strength in the relationship?”

Clara hiccups again. “Or you hate cats.”

“I don’t hate cats.”

“So why?” Caitlynn takes another big slurp of her drink. “If you like cats and you like Miranda and you wanted to be with her forever?—”

“It was a boundary, okay?” God, this is silly. “If we’d gotten a dog, we’d have to live under the same roof and share the responsibility of walking and feeding it. It would mean buying dog beds and sitting on the sofa together with the dog in our laps watching old movies together.”

All things I wanted, at least as the relationship progressed.

And Miranda didn’t want that.

In a nutshell, the dog was a symbol. A symbol for what went wrong with Miranda.

“You craved commitment and domesticity,” Camille says in her therapist voice. “And she craved flexibility.”

“Which is totally fine,” I insist. “It just meant we weren’t right for each other.”

This is the story I tell myself when self-doubt creeps in. We wanted different things. It’s not that she didn’t want me, personally. Just that we had different goals.

“I still hate her,” says Caitlynn. They all laugh.

“I don’t hate her.” I truly don’t. “You can’t blame someone for wanting different things for their own life. That’s just how it is.”

“True,” Camille says. She’s definitely sober. “The next woman you date, we’re putting her through the ringer. No one who doesn’t want marriage and kids and a fucking pet if that’s what you want.”

Caitlynn chimes in. “And no one who lets us believe she’s our sister when she can’t love our brother forever.”

“He’s not dating again.” Clara sounds drunker by the minute. “Any woman who hurts him has to face me in a cage match.”

She weighs ninety pounds soaking wet. I smile. “Okay.”

“How’s the job?” Camille asks. “What are you doing again?”

“Research.” Lifting the beer to my lips, I search for a subject change. “Maybe I’ll come home for Mom’s birthday this year.” It’s six weeks from now, when I’ll be finished at Crystal Bliss. I haven’t decided what comes next. “Haven’t been home for a birthday in ages.”

“Years,” Clara says. “Can you really?”

“We’ll see.” A fierce wave of love for my family grabs hold of my lungs and squeezes.

My sisters are a lot. They’re overprotective and bossy and annoying. They’re way too smart for their own good.

And I love them more than anything. Same with Mom.

They deserve a better brother, a better son than I’ve been these past few years. If I bring anyone into their lives again, she’ll need to be someone who stays. Someone who wants to be part of the family forever. Who welcomes me into her own.

It was never fair to Miranda, expecting her to want something she didn’t. I almost don’t blame her for blocking my sisters. She needed to close that chapter of her life.

My sisters are sidetracked bickering about cat beds, and it’s possible they’ve forgotten we’re on a call. “Hey guys?” I clear my throat. “I need to go.”

“Okay, Kit?” It’s Camille.

“Yeah?”

---