Page 86 of The Upgrade

“I believe it.” I draw in a shaky breath. “All my life, I felt like I wasn’t normal.”

“How so?”

Where do I start? “My stepsister, Presley, had tons of friends. Teachers loved her. She joined all the right clubs and made cheer team captain her junior year. Know what I was doing my junior year?”

“You want me to guess?”

I shake my head. “I was nerdy and weird. A drama club kid who dyed her hair funny colors and played Dungeons and Dragons for fun.”

“Sounds cool to me.” He takes a sip of his water, missing my point completely.

Fine, I’ll make this awkward.

“Starting when I was ten, I touched myself under the covers a lot. Like—a lota lot. Then I progressed to humping my pillow, and eventually a massager that definitely wasn’t for my back.” There, that surprised him. “In high school, I banged as many boys as I could—some who weren’t even my boyfriends. I even had threesomes in college.”

Logan nods as he’s tracking the story. “Sounds normal to me. Even the pillow.” He grins. “I think it’s called grinding. Common masturbation technique for women.”

I stare at him blankly, which makes him laugh. “Okay, I didn’t actually know the grinding thing until they added the Bump and Grind enchantment to the menu. It’s for women who like to be watched while they?—”

“I saw it on the menu.” We’re getting off track here. “Oh. Also, I kissed my best friend in fifth grade. A girl.”

“You know all those things are perfectly normal, right?”

I grit my teeth. “My therapist bestie says so, yes.”

But knowing it isn’t the same as believing it. Maybe that’s where I’m stuck. “For years I thought getting married was my ticket to normal,” I admit. “Like, sure, I sowed some wild oats, but if I settled down with a husband, all the pieces would fall into place.” I pick up my wineglass while Logan waits patiently for me to gather my thoughts. “Then my fiancé cheated, and I thought ‘hey, here’s my chance to do whatIwant.’ I could fuck random strangers and have sex with women and never sleep with the same person twice.”

“Damn right you could.” He doesn’t sound shocked by the notion. “Think that’ll make you happy?”

I consider the question. “I thought it might. I’m not sure now.”

“You know you don’t have to know all the answers, right?”

I stare at Logan like he’s just sprouted horns. “About what I want from my life? Of course I should know that.”

He’s shaking his head with a funny half smile. “You’re doing great if you know what you want fordessert. And you can change your mind anytime. What you wanted at twelve will be different from what your eighteen-year-old self wanted. And it’ll change again in your twenties and thirties and?—”

“You’re saying I’ll never be settled?” There’s a chilling thought.

“I’m saying you can settle into the idea that change is constant.” He shrugs with a smile that shows dimples. “Personally, I think that’s pretty awesome.”

I stare at Logan a moment. At this man who has sex for a living. “Anyone ever tell you you’re really wise?”

He chuckles and hums a few bars of David Lee Roth’sJust a Gigolo,then tips in his chair with a grin. “Still want to ditch me for dinner?”

* * *

I endup having a fabulous meal with Logan. That’s it, just the dinner, though he’s making it clear he’s open to more.

“Not tonight.” We’re at the door of my room with tiny brown geckos gobbling bugs by the porch light. “Thank you for everything, though.”

“Don’t mention it.” He leans in and kisses my cheek. “I’m here if you need me.”

“Thanks.” I watch as he walks down the path, his broad back rippling with muscle.

There’s still a big brother vibe to my feelings for him, but it’s waning. He’s funny and hot and puts me at ease. Best of all, I don’t see myself getting attached. There’s no risk of falling for Logan like I fell for Kit.

And I did fall for Kit. As much as it pains me to admit it, the fact that I’m hurting this much just hammers it home.

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