“Uh, Mom!” Grace interjects, as she looks my way apologetically. This is something not even she knows. Something I never really imagined telling her, but now oddly I’m okay with.
“It’s okay,” I manage to say, as I work over a lump in my throat. I take a moment, as memories surface, hatred fills my veins for things that were done and words that were exchanged in her last days. But I push past it all as I try and hold my head high and keep my voice from shaking as I face Grace’s mother and say, “she had cancer. Breast cancer. Came on fast. One week she was the rock in our family. The next, she was fading quicker than you’d ever believe imaginable and gone before we really could grasp what was happening.”
I leave out the part about my father picking up extra hours at work. Missing every damn doctor’s appointment. Barely even showing up for her funeral. Those are the dark truths I still can’t manage to swallow, and ones too heavy to be shared over dessert.
“My childhood friend had breast cancer, but she’s in remission now,” Trudy says through the thick cloud of bitterness that has wedged its way between my vindictive thoughts and my subconscious.
The ones telling me one truth I’ve always been able to feel so strongly about, I don’t even have to face it.
We all run when it gets too hard, my father is no exception. And maybe watching him do so throughout the years is why I’ve forced myself to face every hard obstacle in my life head on, including my ADHD, once I wrap my typically unfocused brain around it.
Kinda like I’m doing now, with Grace. Accepting and tightening every last hold our fake arrangement has on me because now that I’ve made up my mind, she’s mine. Habits, addiction, obsessions, and all. I smile at her across the table and feel my heart rate spike as she blushes. She has no fucking idea. And that’s half the fun of it.
“But still, cancer, no matter what specific name it carries, is one of the hardest burdens on a family. Especially an only child. I am very sorry.”
I shrug and feel the little boy in me tear up over what she just said. I’m about to respond when a loud crashing sound breaks up the silence and has everyone seated tensing as I quickly stand from my seat.
Another bang sounds from the hallway, echoing through to where we are sitting and having me take a step forward on instinct as a shadow comes into view. A large, male shadow, that is quickly stumbling in our direction. The questions who and what roar through my mind as my defenses kick into high gear. But just as I am about to approach the bastard, just as I am about to tackle him to the ground for the evident fear he’s caused, Grace calls him by name, and I stop.
“Dad! What the hell are you doing here?”
* * *
GRACE
My eyes dart from my mother, to Archie, to Brett, before landing on my father’s once again. He’s wasted. High as a damn kite. His eyes bore into mine in disbelief as he leans (more like sways) and hits the wall beside him. In his drunken haze he hasn’t even taken notice of Brett, who I then watch take a step forward in preparation for whatever shitty situation is obviously soon to explode.
“Well, I’ll be,” my father slurs, as he attempts to push himself off the wall and take another step into the room. My mother grabs ahold of Archie, quickly moving him out of my father’s way and attempting to calm a breakdown in him that is showing just under the surface.
“The prodigal daughter returns!” My father shouts, as he lifts his arms and turns around is disbelief. A sinister laugh leaving his lips. When he’s come full circle, his eyes settle once again on me and my stomach feels instantly sick. “Didn’t know you had it in you, Grace Olivia. Figured you were long gone, living in your make-believe world, and forgetting your damn duty to your family!”
He stalks forward and I watch out of the corner of my eye as Brett does the same. Quickly, I round the table and wedge myself between them. My mother has Archie off to the side, trying to persuade him to go to his room in the front of the house, but my brother won’t be moved as he rocks back and forth, and a low mumbled whisper falls from his mouth. He begins pacing in a little circle and I can hear his cries, his worries falling robotically from his lips as the situation escalates.
I know I should stop my father and do as he says, like I’ve always done, and take any abuse he mutters, if only for Archie so he can calm down and know everything is alright. But the fact that I haven’t seen him in over 10 years fuels me as I glare back in his eyes. What he just said registers and pierces my heart and I quickly blurt out a hurtful response that shows I care when I really wish I didn’t.
“My duty?” I mock. “You mean, after you left me and mom to pick up the pieces of a life you weren’t man enough to face?”
His hand quickly rises as I flinch knowing what’s coming. But just before I feel the physical sting my father always left behind, the man behind me reaches out and grabs his wrist forcing him backward and up against the nearest wall.
Archie’s mumbles have grown louder as my mother tries to restrain him. I glance his way briefly as my heart rate spikes before looking back at Brett. His hand is wrapped tightly around my father’s neck and I can’t deny the sick pleasure I feel knowing he’s stopping his breathing, if only for the moment.
“The only one who needs to be long gone, is you!” Brett seethes as I quickly make my way to my mother’s side and attempt to wrap Archie in my arms. He fights me at first but complies after a moment. His lips still dripping with a blur of babble that doesn’t quite make any sense.
“How about I make-believe this never fucking happened,” Brett grits out as my father attempts to free himself and Brett pushes him further into the wall, his fist closing tighter as my father’s face reddens and I watch his eyes slightly bulge.
“Duty to family!” Brett shouts, causing all of us to flinch. “A real man never forgets his commitments! Acontracthe signs in his own damn blood the second he takes a woman, makes her his, and has children!”
My heart stills at his words. My breath catches in my throat as I stare at the man before me and clutch my brother to my side. My mother attempts to take a step forward, to break up the two men in front of us. But I cut her off and stop her as she glances my way and I shake my head no, telling her silently to let this happen, let someone finally stand up for us.
Eventually, Brett’s grip on my father loosens. I can tell the second it does because I watch intensely as he starts to suck in a breath and take back the life that was just threatened.
I should feel sorry. I should feel some ounce of regret for what Brett just did. But all I feel is justified, relieved that another person stood up to the monster that has ruled my families’ life andfinallyput him in his damn place when none of us ever could before.
Looking back at Brett, I feel - love!
How the hell did that happen?
I don’t know, but what I do know is that I can’t help it and I suddenly feel myself accept it willingly.