Page 17 of Atonement

7

Tuesday

11:45 p.m.

The dark sideof truth is we all try to deny what we’re all hiding. The one thing that likely has the power to destroy us. We believe we’re preserving our honor when what’s really happening is our own self-sabotage. We stumble around blindly into a sort of disloyal treason, twisted by the idea that we’re covering up our secret perfectly.

My crime is no different.

“The signal is weak, but it’s there,” Magnolia says as she leans into the monitors and presses a button.

We’re in my office, strategically attached to my bedroom, and the wall of screens in front of us comes to life as pictures of the capital of China and Russia quickly come into view. Scattered throughout the feed is video surveillance from the country's military headquarters. My hand slips into my pockets as I study each video and subconsciously roll around the gold band I keep hidden there between my fingers. A bad habit I can’t break, and one I never intend to, either.

“Looks like Timmy came through after all,” I admit. “You want to give him the good news he’s in the clear, or should I?”

Magnolia clicks a few more buttons and changes the feed. A spetsnaz, from the Russian federation, walks across the screen and I study him closely, aware that I still haven’t told Magnolia why we used our little friend to gain access to the Russian satellites. But if I know her like I think I do, she’s onto my secret. I just hope she keeps her lips sealed long enough for me to get us the justice we both deserve.

“Let’s make him sweat,” she says mischievously. “A few more hours under close surveillance won’t hurt him. Hell, it’ll probably be good for him once they find out what he’s done.”

She has a point. The last time we used an inside man to accomplish a job we couldn’t, he never made it home. Rumors surfaced, and most hold no merit, like rumors often don’t. But, if I had to guess the closest to the truth, I’d say his body was dismembered slowly, inch by inch, and shipped off to the country who believed hired him to do their dirty work. In the end, it was more blood spilled that I’m responsible for, even when I never pulled a damn trigger.

“Careful, Dec,” Magnolia whispers as she eases away from the monitors and studies me closely from across the room. “Your weakness is showing.”

Burying my thoughts for the moment, I cock my head to the side and glare at her. “Now what would you know about my weakness, Sweetheart?”

“Your one flaw is easy to see,” she suggests with bitterness on her tongue as she crosses one arm over the other. “The slip in your otherwise always perfectly orchestrated control gives you away. The fact that you won’t be able to stop whatever happens to him once he’s released. It kind of hits a sore spot, doesn’t it? Maybe even makes you think of the one thing you try to keep hidden in the past.”

“It’s hard to keep the past hidden when it’s constantly staring me in the face, Magnolia.”

“Me?” she fakes innocence.

“Who else? Unless you want to lie to me and tell me you’ve forgotten?” She stares at me as loathing fills her beautiful eyes but she doesn’t answer. When she still hasn’t spoken after a moment, I laugh and say, “don’t tell me you’ve grown that heartless after all this time?”

“Heartless!” she yells, her face flushing red with rage. “Fuck it! You know what, Ace? I guess I am, seeing that my heart was forever ripped away from me that night!”

“And mine wasn’t?”

“You were supposed to protect them!” She screams. “You were supposed to lay down your life for them, like I would’ve mine!”

“Who’s to say I didn’t!”

“I am!” She yells as she storms towards me and pushes against my chest. “How can you call yourself a man, Declan? How can you continue to let yourself live when you let them die? How can you stand to look at me every single day and not remember...”

I take a step into her and cut her off, fueled with a new kind of madness and done with all the bullshit.

This stops now. That hatred. The lies. The constant blame for a fate we can’t go back and change.

“All I do is relive it, Magnolia,” I seethe as I grab her hands and attempt to stop her from beating my chest. “All I do is regret. Attempt to fucking repent for my sins that night made me guilty of. I silently grieve, every damn day, and wish I could take it away. Wish I could change it. For you. Even if it kills me in the process, Sweetheart.”

Her eyes cloud over with darkness as she glares at me, disbelieving every word I just said. Her breathing turns ragged, enraged, as her hand slips from my grip and I realize my mistake a little too late.

“Well,” she whispers, as her hand raises, and I catch the glimmer of metal in the corner of my eye. “Then maybe I can help you out with that.”

Before I can blink, she has a knife held to my throat. The blade pierces my skin as her eyes glass over with tears. Fuck it. If this is the way it needs to be, so be it. I harshly take another step forward, feeling the warm trickle of blood down my neck as her hand begins to shake in desperation.

“Go ahead,” I growl. “Do it, Mags. I know you’ve been fantasizing about it for fucking years.”

Her eyes grow wide as she glances down at the knife and her hands begin to tremble a little more. A tear falls down her cheek as she looks back up, her horror flashing through her eyes as she remembers all that took place seven years ago. Everything we can’t get back. Everything we felt for each other then flares in her deep blue eyes as she holds my life in her hands.

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