Page 24 of Atonement

10

Wednesday

5 a.m.

Our twisted pasthangs thick in the air as I watch Magnolia sleep. Elbows on my knees, head hung low, my eyes lift as I watch the peaceful rise and fall of her chest from across the room. She looks so serene and calm. She smiles in her sleep and our demons retreat further into our dreaded past, if only for a while.

After our confessions, after the last few hours together, I should be feeling as peaceful as she looks. But I don’t. I can’t let myself. Not when I have a gnawing suspicion that now is not the time to let my guard down, even if doing so welcomes the one thing I’ve always wanted.

Her.

Death will only come at the hand of my weakness. Something I’ve feared since the moment I laid eyes on her.

Fuck, I dream of death, because I’d finally be free. Not a prisoner held to a life sentence every waking moment since the day my children’s lives were stolen. A pawn, constantly held hostage by the fact that I failed them, and in doing so, I also failed her.

Mathew and Emma, our twins, would’ve been 17 years old last Thursday. The night we both finally broke in the back seat of that car. Last Thursday was the night we both couldn’t take the pain anymore. Put on the same assignment for the first time in seven years, it resurfaced like it did when their deaths were fresh. The only way to silence both our monsters inside was to take it out on each other. The only way we’ve ever known how. Taking what we want from each other was easy. Loving one another, in spite of both our sins proves much more difficult.

We were both on assignment the night our job went horrifically wrong. A setup for what our target really had in mind. A sick trick to cut us where it mattered most, taking away our strength, our power, our dominance as the most feared team the FBI has to offer and our countries strongest secret weapon.

We’d been tailing the guy for two years and were finally setup to bring him to justice. We’d never seen his face, only blurred out images on street cams, but had a sure tip that led us into a suicide mission that took out many of the bureau’s men and women in the process. The sick reality is, he orchestrated an attack that not only took away our children, but in turn, our only sanity. When we found out they were taken, we negotiated a ransom. But the Russian Bratva fucker who stole them in the middle of the night while they were sleeping never intended to keep them alive. A reality we faced after it was already too late.

I begged the FBI to let me take him down. To not negotiate with a man who I was damn sure had no intention of letting them go without one hell of a fight. I was immediately voted down. Overthrown by my superior.

I never should have listened. I should have followed my instinct as every bit of my soul told me to go behind the bureaus back and get my kids back. Free them from the hands of a mad man, no matter what the cost, and get them back into the arms of their mother, even if I died in the process.

By the time I made my move, I realized I had waited mere minutes too long. The Bratva bastard got away, and I’ll never forgive myself for that. His perfectly constructed plan was an empty house as screams echoed through speakers taking me further inside until I found the backroom where a video played on loop. The main attraction, a sight that stole the heart out of my chest and brought me to my knees as I watched my children slowly die on screen.

I’ll never forget the look of panic, of fear, as it crept across my wife’s face when she arrived, stumbling into that back room, and we realized our mistake too late. When we understood we’d been fucking played.

Good thing is, I’m all the wiser now.

“Declan,” I hear Magnolia whisper in her sleep. “Please, don’t…not again. Don’t leave me again.”

She rolls on her side, unsettled in her dreams and my heart physically aches watching her and remembering all that we’ve been through. The sheet falls low in her restlessness, baring her perfect tits and my mouth waters instinctively as I focus on her blush-colored nipples. Perky. Begging for me to lick, suck, nibble on their tips and bring us both more pleasure. But the nightmare inside me screams too loud right now to set me free to do so.

How could I leave her? She’s all I have left. All I’ve ever wanted. My life started and ended with her that hellish night. Even though I’m sentenced to walk through purgatory now, waiting for the day I can finally set us both free, I could never walk away from her. Hell, I could never leave her side for one-second ever again if it meant her fate might mirror our children's.

Two truths and a lie.

Fuck.

More like three sins and a death wish. Three sins I’m destined to fuckup, one way or another. No matter how hard I try.

As I sit in the dark and stare at the one thing that makes me most vulnerable in life, my beautiful Godsend wife, I wrestle with the idea that maybe we can love each other again. Maybe we can try. Possibly start over. Even with our fucked-up past and our undetermined future. If she’ll have me.

Once upon a time.

Hell, more like once upon a nightmare.

Fuck once upon a time. The problem with that bullshit is it brings you full circle as you find yourself drowning in the thing you’re trying hardest to escape - the past.

My cell vibrates on silent as it sits on the table next to me, pulling me from my thoughts. I pick it up quickly and accept the call.

“Does she suspect anything,” Kira questions as I lean back in my chair and study her peaceful frame from across the room.

“I wouldn’t be any good at my job if she did,” I hiss in response, then wait to be reprimanded for my insubordination, but it never comes. “Last I checked, this call wasn’t supposed to take place until 1430. What gives, Kira?”

“We’ve received rumors the job we’ve requested you accomplish is compromised.”

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