Page 24 of Side Out

Enough of pretending I’m fine when it feels like my world is falling apart.

And enough of Theo blatantly pretending like I don’t exist.

I won’t deny that I’m physically healing better than anyone ever expected, but mentally… mentally I’m hanging on by a thread.

And every time Theo laughs into that phone while actively ignoring me that thread gets thinner and thinner.

I know he knows I’m out here. I’ve been coming to these physical therapy appointments at the exact same time, on the exact same days, for weeks.

Not once since I got hurt has he checked in on me. Despite how he was that day in the hospital and helping me into the house. It’s as if he could give less than a fuck.

Some days I wish that were me. I wish I didn’t care about him.

But I do. Ireallyfucking do.

And since I haven’t had volleyball to obsess over, my obsession with him has only grown tenfold.

He may not want to look at me, but I sure as hell want to look at him. Every minute of every day. And if he won’t give me that, well… I guess I’ll just have to take care of it myself.

* * *

Just like the night Theo and I kissed in the parking lot, it takes me all of five minutes to hack into the school’s security system and access the cameras in the sports complex.

I shuffle through a couple of angles before I spot Theo in the supply room stocking his bag for this afternoon’s away game. My eyes are glued to the screen. Addicted to watching him do the most mundane of tasks.

I can’t make sense of any of it, and I don’t want to.

So I don’t move. I watch him from every angle possible until he gets on the bus and it pulls out of the parking lot. And when the team returns the following afternoon—I watch him then, too

PSYCHO - HARDY

CHAPTER15

IS THIS PURGATORY?

THEODORE

It’s Friday.

That means Jax will be here any minute to start his physical therapy with Chris. I try to suppress my eyeroll, but knowing they’re in there with Chris’ hands all over Jax grates on my nerves way more than it should.

And I know it shouldn’t.

I know Chris is a professional unlike me when it comes to Jax. But I can’t help the jealousy that eats at me anytime he’s here for an appointment.

From what I’ve seen though, he truly seems to be healing great. Better than anyone could have hoped for or expected. He can move it a little more every day and hasn’t needed his crutches for a while. He’s even driving again.

Jax hasn’t stopped staring into my office on his way to and from each appointment. It takes every ounce of self-control I have to not rip open my door, pull his ass into my office, and ask him what he wants from this fucking behavior. But I know that we will end up in a situation neither of us need to be in.

So I do nothing.

And ignore him.

Like always.

It guts me from the inside out to not give Jackson Baker every ounce of my attention like he deserves. However, a man like Jackson deserves someone who doesn’t have pounds of baggage that comes along with him.

Someone that’s his age.

---