Page 50 of Red Hot Roaster

Pete frowned. “But I thought all that was before Rose…before you two got close. Isn’t she worth coming back for?”

“Since you know me and my history so well, do you think that’s a good idea?” I asked.

“What the hell are you talking about? Your military record?”

We were getting circular with all the questions, and I was frustrated. I jumped up, setting the swing in motion and startling my pup. I paced the porch in front of Pete, getting all worked up.

“Yes. No. I couldn’t keep my kids safe in the sandbox. No matter what I tried.”

“Bullshit,” Pete interrupted. “You can’t put that on your shoulders. You know as well as I do that half the deaths over there were due to IEDs.”

Still, you can’t help but feel responsible when it’s your kids, your unit.

I shook it off. “But, no. I’m talking about before. With the gang in Oakland.”

“That’s water under the bridge,” he protested. “That’s when you were a teenager. That’s not you today. Rose must know that.”

“I haven’t told her anything about that part of my life…yet.”

“What! Any of it?”

“Well, yeah, the earlier part. We talked about my mamma, her death, my time in foster care….” I trailed off.Well, not the dark times, but she didn’t need to know that shit.

“Rafe, tell her the rest. I know Rose, I knew her folks. Good people. I was around helping her dad start the roastery when she dropped out of school to come home and have Finn. Rose isn’t going to get all judgmental on your ass and think you’re a bad guy.”

I was still pacing back and forth, feeling my heart thumping harder and harder.I’m too young for a heart attack, right?

“That’s the whole point, Pete. Sheshouldsee me as the bad guy. If it were just about stealing cars, that’d be one thing. Bad enough, jail time if I’d been caught, but not hurting anybody.”

I shook my head and slumped back down on the porch swing.

“How could she ever trust me again?” I whispered. “How would she feel about me if she knew I’d almost beat somebody to death?”

There was the heart of the matter.

It didn’t matter that my brothers and I had been in danger. It didn’t matter that the guy who’d surprised us when we were boosting his Chevy had popped his knife. What mattered was that I’d fucked him up when he’d attacked us, and I hadn’t even called the medics.

For me, that was the tipping point. The shame if Mamma had been alive. I got out of there by enlisting in the service. Outta the gang, outta Oakland, outta that life.

I hadn’t told Pete this shameful thing right away, either. No, it had taken a couple of years, some real-life war stories over beers and the realization that Pete was going to be the closest thing to a father before I opened up to him. I was still amazed he’d accepted me “as is.”

But it was different with Rose. Rose deserved a better man than me. I wasn’t worthy of her. And I damned sure didn’t want to be responsible for her just so I could fall down on the job again.

Pete knew it too, but he also believed in redemption. In forgiveness. In the power of love to solve everything. That was the way he was built.

So he wasn’t going to tell me what I needed to hear. That I could have this short time with Rose, safeguard her as best I could. That then I needed to get the hell gone so she could find a good man, a better man, for the long term.

Though the thought of Rose with another man made my gut wrench.Get a fucking grip, man—it’s gonna happen.

“Rafe. Son,” Pete said quietly. “Don’t make any decisions about Rose without Rose. I bet you’re not alone in this…this…whatever you call this thing you’ve got going on with her. So talk to Rose and trustherto do the right thing.”

I nodded my head slowly. He was right. Ishouldtalk to her,shouldtell her how I feel.But I had to be honest with myself—could I do that when I was so afraid?

Pete, smart guy that he was, got off the heavy-heavy. “Stay for lunch? Got the fixings for sandwiches if you’re interested.”

“Sure,” I agreed. I knew the old man was lonely, so I’d stay, and we’d talk some more about…other things.

Chapter 27

---