Page 77 of Holly Ever After

“I know that too, you idiot. You’ve looked out for her when I couldn’t, even if she wanted to kill us for it. That our job. So, what, you're afraid of screwing it up? News flash, man, you've already screwed up. Question is, what are you going to do about it?”

What am I going to do about it? Holly isn't just someone I can run away from. My eyes flicker to Mark, seeing the concern mixed with frustration there.

“I don't know,” I confess. “But I’ll make it right. I promise.”

“Don’t promise me anything. I’m not the one who needs to hear it.”

We get caught in a silence, filled with unspoken understanding and years of friendship. Mark breaks it first.

“I should go in and see how Brenda's doing. You comin’?”

“Yeah,” I say, pushing off the wall. “I'm comin’.”

∞∞∞

After Mark leaves, my mother seems brighter for the visits, but her eyes are hallowing, the dark rings almost engraved around her eyes. She stares at the wall aimlessly just like she does at home.

Sometimes I want to crawl inside her mind so I can know where she is all day when her memory evades her. I want to see what day she’s reliving. I want to understand, but mostly, I’m terrified of what I will find. I’ve tried my entire life to bury those memories. I don’t want to live them from her point of view too.

I run a hand through my hair, pulling at the tips before stretching my neck, these hospital chairs and this morning’s tension coiling around my joints.

Her hand is tiny when she takes mine, the skin wrinkled. She looks older than her sixty-five years.

“You should go home, son.” She smiles but her eyes are already heavy as she looks up at me.

“I’ll wait, Ma. I don’t mind. Let’s see what else the doctors say.”

“Those fucking doctors.”

I suppress a laugh. My mother never cursed when I was growing up. My only memory of her using language was when she got wasted…which was regularly, but she always muttered them under her breath.

“You know, you’re getting quite a tongue on you lately.”

She shrugs her narrow shoulders. “Fuck it.”

I burst out laughing.

She smiles before it falters. “I’m sorry, Sean.” My eyes widen watching as tears brim in hers. “For everything. I know I wasn’t a good mother—”

“Stop it, Ma. I just want you to get better.”

She glares at me like she used to when she was scolding me as a child. “How about you have manners and let your mother speak.”

I dip my chin and take her hand.

“You’re a good son. Better than I deserve. I’m so proud of you.” Her voice cracks on the words. “I just wanted to say thank you.”

A sticky lump forms in my throat, but I swallow around it. I could tell her how I’m only giving back what she gave me. We both did our best with what we had. But I know she wouldn’t accept it, so I press a kiss to her cheek. “Welcome, Ma.”

She pulls at her blanket, her cheeks flushing. “I know my memory hasn’t been right for a while, and it can’t be easy on you looking after me all the time. Especially when I’m a little over the top.” I scoff and she darts another glare my way before she adds, “Let’s see if these doctors are any good.”

I’m stiff as I move in the chair, but relief floods me. “Has this anything to do with Holly’s visit or is it the young doctor I seen come in here earlier?”

Her mouth falls open but there’s a glint in her eyes. “It does help to have something to look at while you’re in this dreary place.” She presses her fingers together like she’s squeezing something. “And he did have a rather nice backside.”

“Jesus Christ.” I throw my head in my hands and laugh. It’s good to see her like this, joking, remembering shit.

“It was good to see Holly too,” she adds. “God, she’s a beauty, isn’t she?”

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