Page 100 of Crave

“I’ve missed you,” she whispers the three best words I’ve heard all day.

“I’ve missed you too.”

“And I love you, Jake.” She lays her head on my chest and listens to my heartbeat. “I love you so much, but I don’t want you to wake up one day and regret being with me.” She lifts her head from my chest, grabs my face and locks her eyes with mine. I don’t shy away from her gaze. I see it all in her eyes. Love. A future. A family. “This look right here, how you’re looking at me now, with nothing but love in your eyes. I always want you to look at me this way. Only ever this way. I don’t know what I’d do if I wake up one morning only to find that look replaced with regret.”

I grab both of her hands and lay them on my chest, above my heart, never breaking away from her gaze.

“That day will never come, Dee. Never. My heart only beats for you, baby. I would only regret letting you walk away, and I’m not about to let that happen.”

Her eyes pool with tears again, but I know they are happy tears this time. Tears of relief. She puts her arms around my neck and hugs me to her.

“I thought I’d have to let you go.” Her voice is so small, my heart breaks.

“Never. I love you too much. I need you too much.”

“I need you too. And I love you so much, but Jake, I think the best thing we can do regarding Derek is to just be happy with each other. I know him. If you confront him, he’s going to think you feel threatened.”

“Sandy, you said something about him the other day, and I never got the chance to question you about it. It was when I said you were careless about getting pregnant, and you said after everything Derek had done, how could I think that? What did he do? I felt you weren’t telling me the whole story when you first told me about the pregnancy. Talk to me now, baby. No more secrets. Let me in.”

“Remember I told you Derek is a pharmacist?” she begins, and I nod, waiting for her to tell me more. “I sprained my back at work and was out for a couple of weeks. I was on bed rest and was prescribed muscle relaxers. Back then, I was on the pill. Derek said he was going to take care of me. He’d get me my pills each day. Our love life was lackluster at best, but while I was on bed rest, he was more interested in being intimate.” I know she feels my body tense at the mention of her with another man. She kisses my neck and continues the story. “After I had the miscarriage, and told him it was over, he let it slip that he was giving me the sugar pill, not the pill with the hormones. He planned it. He felt he was losing me, so he figured this was his chance to hold on to me. He told me I could never do right by him. That was the final straw, and I told him it was over. I felt like such a fool, Jake. I’m a nurse. I should have known better.”

“You trusted him, baby,” I say as I kiss the top of her head. “He betrayed your trust. That’s on him, not you. You did nothing wrong. He should lose his license for that. At the least, he’s out at South Shore. My parents are on the board.”

“Jake, no. I left the hospital. I’m happier now at this new job, and I don’t want you to go after him.”

“Did you believe him? When he said I was only curious about you, did you believe him?”

“No, but then everything else that happened this week reinforced his words. He told me I was essentially the help’s daughter, and you’d dump me for someone with a summer home in St. Bart’s and a membership to a country club that would only hire me to serve drinks. Then, the stuff with Rebecca and the hostess. Your reaction at the restaurant. Your dinner at the country club last week.”

I grab her face with both hands and meet her eyes.

“Sandy, that’s bullshit. This is our relationship, and no one gets to dictate who we choose to be with. Everyone else’s opinion is irrelevant. As much as I’m going to hate it, I think we need to talk about Tracy.”

She tries to get out of my arms, but I don’t let her. “I don’t want to talk about your ex-girlfriend, Jacob. I’m sick of it. And to be honest, I’m sick of her too. Don’t say another word about her.” She crosses her arms, and I don’t know if she realizes it, but she’s shaking her head too.

“One last time. I feel like I have to say this. I cared for her a long time ago, Sandy.”

“Bull. You were in love with her. She’s the one who got away and I’m second choice,” she says angrily. As much as I hate it when she’s upset, I’ll take this over sadness and despair.

“Tell me one thing. Have I ever made you feel like second choice?” When she looks away, I grab her chin, forcing her to look at me. “Answer me.”

“No,” she says.

“Listen, I thought I was a very long time ago, but being with you now, I realize that it wasn’t love. My dad has told me that many times, but I thought he was bullshitting me so I could forgive Troy. The day after the fight at my mom’s party, he told me that when I fall in love for real, I’d realize that what I thought I had with Tracy wasn’t love at all. And he’s right, Dee. He’s been right all along, because when I look at you, I know what real love is. What we have doesn’t come close to anything else. I was angry at Troy, so I lashed out. I’m done with that. I lost my brother in all of this, and I was bitter, and I fought, but I survived. If I lose you, I won’t survive. You have my word that I will no longer react that way again. I promise it won’t be an issue anymore. Okay? You’re all I want. You are all I’ve ever wanted. Nothing and no one comes close to what we have.”

She nods, but her arms are still crossed.

“It’s just that I hate the thought of you being with her, Jake. I hate the thought of you being with anyone else, but I don’t have to see or interact with them. I love being with you. I love the way you kiss me, the way you touch me. You do things to me no one ever has before, and the thought that she knows what it’s like being with you that way drives me crazy. As crazy as it sounds, I don’t want anyone else to know that part of you. I want it all to myself, but she had you first, and she’s never going away. I know my jealousy sounds petty and childish, but I can’t help it. She had all of these firsts with you, and I can’t stand it.”

I lean in and kiss the top of her forehead.

“Your feelings are not petty or childish, Dee, but you’re wrong about some of the things you’ve said. The most important firsts, I’ve had with you. You are the first woman I’ve ever wanted to spend the rest of my life with. You’re the first woman I’ve ever wanted to be the mother of my children. Yes, it’s soon. And I know you said you didn’t want to get married or have—”

She puts her finger on my lips before I can finish my sentence. I look at her, waiting for her to tell me that she’s still not ready for that type of commitment. “With Derek. I didn’t want to get married and have kids with Derek.”

“What about with Jake?” I hold my breath as I wait for her answer.

“Jake will have to ask me to find out, but between you and me, I’d marry him tomorrow. Well, Monday since tomorrow is Sunday and City Hall is closed.”

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