Page 104 of Crave

“But you’re the one who won’t allow that fracture to heal, aren’t you?”

“I’m really not here to talk about this. This isn’t the time or the place.”

“It’s never the time or the place. You know why? Because you won’t give me the time of fucking day. For five fucking years, Jacob. I know I hurt you. I know it. I’ve agonized about it every fucking day since, but I couldn’t help falling in love with Tracy. I love her so damn much and have since the moment I saw her. I fought it. She fought it too, but we can’t just turn off our feelings.”

I look towards the door, worried that the kids and Sandy would overhear Troy, but I’m relieved to see no one is at the door. Seconds later I get a text from Sandy saying she’s going to take the kids to a nearby park after they eat. Once Troy agrees to the outing, he turns his focus back on me.

“I really don’t want to relive any of this. We don’t have to talk.” I prove my point by grabbing a newspaper and searching for the sports section.

“Well, tough shit,” he says, slapping the newspaper out of my hand. “I accepted your anger at that time. I accepted everyone’s anger towards me. I figured that in time you’d understand, and we could have a relationship again, but that never happened. You’ve been angry for years. You pick fights and insult me and Tracy every chance you get, and we just take it. It’s our penance. My mother can’t stand my wife because of you.”

“Hold on, here. I don’t control our mother and I’ve never told anyone they have to feel a certain way.” I stand up abruptly. “Don’t blame me for that shit,” I say loudly.

“Do you know what the worst part of this has been? The way you’ve treated my son.” Troy stands up, facing the window and giving me his back.

“I’ve never mistreated your son.”

“No, what you did was worse. You chose not to have a relationship with him at all. Maybe I was naïve, but I thought he was the glue that was going to put us back together.”

“That’s a big burden to put on a child,” I say to him.

“I was going to ask you to be his godfather, do you know that? Of course not. What did you do instead?” He pretends to think and then snaps his finger as the answer finally dawns on him. “That’s right. You showed up at the hospital and made a scene.”

“I had to know, Troy.”

“Shut up!” He points a finger in my face, redness creeping up his neck and face. ”Let me talk now! When you didn’t get the result you were expecting, you stormed out, but only after calling us every name in the book. You refused any form of contact with me, and you know the ironic thing? My son is the spitting image of his uncle Jake, whom he idolizes, on the rare occasions that Uncle Jake gives him the time of day.”

His words sting, and instead of wanting to fight back, I feel shame.

“The way I see it, you’re no victim in any of this, but you know what? I no longer care. I don’t want my girlfriend hearing any part of this conversation. She’s uncomfortable enough about the whole thing, but most importantly, Troy, I’ve moved on.”

He holds up both hands and starts to clap slowly. “The great Jacob Kent Clark has moved on,” he says, still clapping. “Are the rest of us free to move on too? It’s your world, Jacob.”

“Fuck off, man. You want someone to blame? Go look in the fucking mirror.”

“There he is! There’s the angry guy I’ve known for the past five years.”

“And why exactly was I angry, Troy? Why? I just woke up one day and decided I was going to be an asshole towards you? What did you do to cause that? You want to rewrite history and make yourself a victim? I was there, remember? I walked in on you two. I saw the guilt in your face before you even opened your lying, deceitful mouth. Don’t you fucking stand here and make me the villain in the story, motherfucker.”

I don’t remember moving from my spot, but I approach Troy, grab his arm and spin him around to face me

“And how exactly would any type of relationship between us have worked? You expected me to come over to your house and change diapers? Come over and babysit for you two while you have a date night?”

“We could have figured it out, Jake. We could have figured it out years ago.” His normally large green eyes are slits as he turns his gaze on me.

“We’re going in circles, Troy. Your version of the story doesn’t change one very important fact. I had a girlfriend and you and her cheated on me behind my back. And the brother I grew up with betrayed me. I couldn’t just let that go. You think this was all anger, but you really fucked with my head. The fact that you could do that to me.Me,Troy. And yes, I said some awful shit to the both of you, but you know what? So did you. You said plenty of shit to me too. You want me to list all the awful shit that came out of your mouth over the years? I remember it all, but I’m not here for that. I’m done, but just remember who betrayed whom.”

“We never cheated. Nothing like that happened between us until after you found out.”

“That’s your defense? I walked in on you, remember? You were lying on top of her on the couch. You kissed. You touched. You had a relationship behind my back. It doesn’t matter if you didn’t fuck until after I found out. That changes nothing.”

He stares at me and says nothing. He finally slumps down in one of the chairs and puts his face in both hands and begins to sob. I watch him, unmoving from my spot for several minutes, waiting for his sobs to abate before finally sitting next to him. For the first time in five years, I lay a hand on my brother that’s not brought about by anger.

“I love her, Jake, but I lost the one other person I love most in the world. I lost you. I dealt with all the anger. I welcomed it because your anger meant that you still felt some way about me. I was so hopeful the first time I saw you with Sandy at the party. And that day she came to the office to meet you, I told Dad maybe this could be a new beginning for all of us. I was optimistic when you let Tristan get close to you, but things between us have gotten even worse.”

“How the hell could our relationship have gotten even worse, Troy? I’ve left you alone. No more digs. No more fights.” I throw up my hands in frustration at his words.

“Instead you just act as if I don’t exist. You look right through me.”

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