Page 105 of Crave

“I don’t know what you want from me.”

“I want my fucking brother back. The one I grew up with for the first twenty six years of my life. I want that guy back. I miss that guy so fucking much.”

“I don’t know if that guy still exists.”

“He does. He exists for everyone else but me.” He looks at me, his eyes pleading for understanding. I absently continue to rub his shoulder, unsure of what to say.

“I don’t know how we can get back to how we were. It’s not possible, Troy. Too much has happened.”

“I’m still your brother. I just want you to be my brother.” He stands up abruptly and goes back to staring out the window, his back to me. “She was diagnosed with gestational diabetes weeks ago and now she has pre-eclampsia. She had pre-eclampsia with Tristan too, but it was closer to her due date, and they induced labor. She’s only six and a half months along now. She might have to go on bed rest.”

“I’m sorry, Troy.”

“We lost a child, do you know that? Of course not. No one knows.” He sticks his hands in his pockets before he continues to speak. “It was two years ago, and she was three months along. She lost the baby the day before we were going to announce the pregnancy. We were both so devastated. I don’t know if you remember, but I took a week off work and ended up working from home for the next month. She had fallen into a depression and could barely take care of Tristan.”

I remember that time. Oblivious to anything but my own feelings, I was relieved not to have to see him every day, and irritated when he returned.

“Why didn’t you say anything? Mom and Dad would have been there for you.”

“I know, and I wanted to tell them, but Tracy didn’t want anyone to know. She said she didn’t need pity, especially not from my mother. I agreed, but looking back now, I wish I had told someone. I could have used the support. It hasn’t been easy, Jake.”

“Look, man,” I say, getting up and walking over to stand next to him. I lay a hand on his shoulder. “They already know she’s high risk, so they know what to look for. Tracy is tough, and she’s going to be okay. I’m sorry about the other baby. You and I have our issues, but I would never wish that on you or Tracy. And as for making me Tristan’s godfather, we both know that there was no way in hell Tracy would have allowed that to happen. She would have fled the country with the kid before letting me anywhere near him. She’d probably be afraid that the church would catch on fire just by me walking inside.”

Troy cracks a smile at my attempts to lighten the mood, but the smile doesn’t reach his eyes.

“She’s not like that. She knows how much you mean to me, and if she thought making you godfather would have brought us closer together, she would have agreed.” His voice softens. His eyes still red and puffy, he meets my gaze. “She’s sorry too. She’s sorry we didn’t tell you sooner. We both wanted to wait for the perfect time to tell you, only the perfect time never came, and everything blew up in my face.”

“Troy, it doesn’t matter anymore.” I stand, irritated with this conversation. He stands and faces me.

“If it doesn’t matter then why won’t you forgive me?”

“You want forgiveness?”

“Yes!”

“Fine! I forgive you. I forgive you both. Happy now? The truth is, I don’t want to carry that anger with me anymore. Sandy doesn’t deserve that. She puts up with too much of our family dysfunction as it is. Our family doesn’t deserve that either. Our parents, Luke, Tristan have all been collateral damage in this, and they deserve better. But forgiving you doesn’t mean that things will ever be the same between us. Maybe you and Tracy have this once in a lifetime love. Maybe you two fell for each other the moment your eyes met, but I didn’t deserve to be betrayed by the both of you. You were my brother, my best friend. And maybe she didn’t have strong feelings for me, but I was still there for her. All the shit she was going through with her father and brother, I was there. I own my part in all of this. I said and did awful shit to you both, but at the end of the day, I deserved better than what I got from the two of you.”

He looks at me for several seconds before he speaks.

“You didn’t deserve that, and I hate myself for that. I fucked up our relationship, but I won’t apologize for loving Tracy.”

“I’m not asking you to! Enough of this conversation. Let’s leave it in the past where it belongs, okay?” I tap him on the shoulder and take a seat, relieved to have this conversation behind us.

“I just want to say one more thing.” Troy takes the seat directly across from me. “A few months ago, forgiveness was not even something you’d consider. Maybe a relationship between us is possible, Jake. I miss my brother. Just think about it.”

Instead of telling him to fuck off like I normally would, I remain quiet. Troy gets the message because he changes the subject.

“Sandy, huh? I thought for sure you fucked that up the night of Mom’s party.” I give him the are we really going to have this talk stare, and he just shrugs.

“I did fuck it up that night. And I fucked it up again a few weeks later. And because I’m a complete idiot, I fucked it up again last week. Begging helps.” Troy’s eyes light up, and I know it’s because this is the most I’ve shared with him in years. He opens his mouth to respond, but we’re interrupted by the loud giggles of Emma and Tristan as they come bursting into the room. Sandy’s right behind them carrying a tray full of food. Her hair is now in a clip, and Emma is wearing her headband.

“You two are fast.” The kids laugh and reach into the tray, grabbing ice cream sandwiches before Sandy can even set the tray down. They run off to eat their snacks.

“I brought you two some lunch. Everything okay in here?” She looks from me to Troy, gauging our reaction.

“Great, and I’m starving, so thank you.” Troy reaches into the tray and grabs a burger and fries. I take a turkey club sandwich, and Sandy grabs the last ice cream sandwich for herself.

“Give me some,” I say as I watch her take a bite.

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