Page 37 of Crave

I get out and pace the lot like a caged lion, eliciting strange looks from incoming and outgoing patrons.

After several minutes of pacing, I lean against the wall, putting my head in both hands.

“Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!” I say to myself over and over again, realizing I didn’t think this thing through. Am I really prepared to see JD and Sandy as a couple, playing the third wheel on occasion? Letting my best friend have the girl I’ve wanted since I first laid eyes on her?

From the moment I saw her, I knew. I fucking knew that she was someone special, and she had the power to break through all the walls that I’ve put up around my heart. So, why the fuck am I here waiting for her to finish her date with JD? The date that I orchestrated? I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t holding hands and gazing into each other’s eyes.

I continue to pace, angrier at myself with each step. Half an hour passes, then an hour.

Like a child having a tantrum, I kick the brick building.

I’ve let the past and fear control me for so long that I was ready to throw away the best thing that’s come into my life in years. My mother’s words from a few weeks ago come back to me. Don’t give Tracy this type of control over you, she’d said. Like an idiot, that’s exactly what I did. I’ve let Tracy, Troy, and the past control me.

I let the sighting of someone from years ago derail my entire plan. Maybe I was toxic four years ago, but maybe I’m not anymore. Maybe I wasn’t ready for a relationship back then, but I am now. Maybe I reached rock bottom that time on the Vineyard and it’s taken me this long to get to a place where I can be open with someone else.

Maybe it’s time I stop letting the actions of others control me, but what if it’s too late with Sandy? What if she’s finally had enough of my shit and wants nothing more to do with me? Before I can mull it over further and come up with a plan to get her to talk to me, they come bursting out of the restaurant. Sandy’s arm is tucked into JD, and he’s holding two bags of takeout while they laugh at something he just said.

Sandy has her head thrown back, the wind blowing through her hair. Her laughter is loud and unguarded until she sees me standing there. All traces of humor are wiped from her face as she steers JD to her black Toyota Rav4.

I follow them as JD puts the bags in her backseat. I lose it when he turns to give her a hug. In two quick steps, I make my way to them and pull them apart.

“Get off her,” I yell as I yank his arm.

“The fuck!” JD yells, pulling out of my grasp. “Dee, what did I tell you? I knew he’d be out here pacing the parking lot like the crazy fuck he is.”

“Back off, JD,” I warn.

“Back off? You fix me up with a beautiful woman, and you tell me to back off? You back off.” He tries to hug her again, but I step between them. He shakes his head at me and smirks before walking away. “Predictable fucker.”

I turn to face Sandy, but she already has her back to me as she opens the door to her car to climb in. I close the door shut to get her attention.

That does the trick, because she turns to me, eyes blazing.

“Get away from me.” I lay both hands on her shoulders, and for a split second, I swear she relaxes into my touch, but that moment is soon over when she violently shrugs out of my touch. “Don’t you ever touch me again.”

“Let me explain, Deedee.” She faces me then, her face aghast at my audacity.

“Don’t you dare call me that, and I don’t give two shits about your explanations.” She goes to open the door again, but I put my hand on it, preventing her from opening it.

“I swear to God, if you don’t move away from me and my car, you’re going to regret it,” she threatens.

“You mean like I regret what happened here tonight?”

“I don’t care about your regrets.”

“Let’s go somewhere and we’ll talk.”

“This is what this was supposed to be about,” she says pointing to the restaurant. “You told me you wanted to explain things, but when I show up, you try to fix me up with your friend?” She looks at me for a moment, and I see sadness and confusion in her eyes. “I thought this was supposed to be—” She doesn’t finish the sentence.

“It was supposed to be about us. I fucked up, but—”

“Just stop talking, Jacob. For the record, I don’t need you or anyone to fix me up with a guy. I do fine all by myself in that department. You don’t get to pass me off like I’m a piece of property because you’ve changed your mind. You don’t decide for me who I go out with. What kind of misogynist asshole are you?” She pulls at the car door again, but I don’t move.

“Obviously, what I did tonight was a mistake. I let demons from my past get in my head, but if you’ll just let me explain—”

“Fuck you and your explanations, Jacob Clark!” she screams. Shocked by her loudness, she looks around the parking lot to make sure no one is watching. She lowers her voice and says, “I don’t want to hear another word out of your damn mouth. You have demons? Too fucking bad. Get a damn exorcism! I have a life and you’ve wasted enough of it.” She shoves me again, but I don’t move. I grab her face and lean down to kiss her, but she slaps my face before our lips can connect.

Shocked by what she’s done, she covers her mouth with both hands. The slap stings, but I stand firm in front of her, imploring her with my eyes to understand that although I’ve fucked up, I’m in this, ready to make things right.

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