Page 57 of Cherish

“Goddamn it, woman.” He goes for my cigarette, but I dodge him and walk away. He grabs my elbow and spins me around, snatching it from me. This time, he pats me down and finds the pack of Newports in my pocket. I run after him, grab his arm to try to get them back, but it’s no use. He crushes them all before he flushes them down the toilet.

“How dare you! How dare you come in here and destroy my shit. Get out! I don’t want to see you! Go take care of your pregnant girlfriend!” I shove his chest two times, and when he doesn’t so much as stumble back, I walk out of the bathroom.

“Nothing’s changed, angel.” He reaches for me, and for a second, I succumb to his touch. I take solace in the gentle caress of his hands. I sigh, remembering how it is whenever he touches me. The circumstances might have changed, but my response to him never will.

I take a big step back, away from him. He walks through my condo like he owns the place. I yank out of his grasp and go into my bedroom. He follows me inside and repeats what he just said. “Nothing’s changed.”

“Don’t you dare say that to me!” The loudness of my scream surprises us both. “How long have you known her?” I ask, lowering my voice. When he doesn’t answer, I ask the question again. “How long?”

“We’ve known each other since high school,” he finally says, his eyes never leaving mine.

“This has been going on since high school?”

He runs a hand over his head, but he doesn’t look away.

“On and off, yes.”

“Are you in love with her?” I ask.

“Fuck no! I’m in love with you.”

“Were you ever in love with her?” I ask.

“I don’t know, Alex. Maybe, but it was a long time ago. I was a damn teenager when we met. Whatever I felt is long gone.”

“A woman you were in love with for over a decade showed up at your house with your baby in her belly. A married woman, Jason. You’re having a baby by some other woman, so don’t you stand here and tell me that nothing’s changed or it doesn’t matter!” I shove at his chest. When he doesn’t react, I lose any last bit of control that I had. I rain punches on his chest, and he stands there and takes it. That fuels my anger even more, so I slap him across the face.

Disgusted by my display of violence, I walk away from him, giving him my back as I look out the window.

“You’re a liar. Get out,” I say, lowering my voice.

“No. I’m not leaving. I know you’re upset right now, and you have every right to be, but everything that happened between me and Natalie happened before we met. I ended things for good months before I ever laid eyes on you. Since the day I laid eyes on you, it’s only been you, and I’ve never lied to you, Alex. Not one single time.” His voice is even, but I can tell it’s strained. I know him. I know he’s doing everything in his power to remain calm. He takes a few slow steps. I can feel the heat radiating off his body. All I want to do is lean into him, but I can’t. I turn as slowly as possible and look into his eyes.

“Jason, are you really standing here saying you’ve never lied to me? Are you fucking serious?”

“I am fucking serious.”

“How many times did I mention your ringing or vibrating phone? How many times did you look at me and say it’s no one? Or that it’s not important? I think your ex, who might be pregnant with your child, is kind of important, don’t you think?” I turn my back on him and walk to my purse, which I had thrown on my bed. I pull out another pack of cigarettes and put one between my lips, already eager for that first inhale. Just as I grab my lighter, he’s in front of me and pulling the cigarette from my lips. This time, he grabs my purse and grabs the opened pack, squishing them in his giant palm. He shoves the destroyed cigarettes in his pocket and looks at me, daring me to do anything.

“That shit ends, do you hear me? I don’t care how upset you are at me, but you are not going to slowly kill yourself with this poison.”

“If you think you’re going to come into my house and tell me what to do, you’re delusional. I’m no longer your concern.” I notice a bouquet of wildflowers he brought over last week. In a fit of rage, I grab it and slam it against the wall. “I’ve lost everything again!”

“You’ve lost nothing because I’m still here!” This time he raises his voice. I refuse to look at him, but he lifts me off my feet and pulls me away from the shattered glass. “I still love you. That will never change. And I didn’t lie when I said it was nothing. She’s out of my life and has been. Even before we met, I wanted nothing to do with her. I still want to be with you.”

“Let me ask you something. This relationship you’ve been in since you were a teenager, how many times did you end things only to end up back together? This can’t be the first time you’ve ended things.” He takes a deep breath and looks away from me for a moment, but then he straightens his spine and looks me in the eye.

“Several times. It was toxic and dysfunctional. I should have walked away for good years ago, but I didn’t. I was stupid, but I didn’t lie when I said the person calling me wasn’t important. She’s from my past, Alex. We all have a past, but I live in the present.”

“I told you about Doyle,” I remind him.

“You told me about him to let me know you weren’t interested in me. I know Doyle is not the first man you were interested in. I never questioned you about any of your past relationships because none of that matters. What matters is the now and the future. I love you now and will love you until the day I die. I want to be with you now and always. That’s what matters to me.”

“Bullshit, Jason. You never asked me about my past relationships because you were worried I’d ask about yours. And if Natalie is so inconsequential, why didn’t you tell me about her? When she kept calling, why didn’t you tell me? Your so-called love for me should have come with trust. If you had asked me, I would have told you I had a few boyfriends, but none of them were serious.”

He grabs my chin and forces me to look at him. I can feel the tears falling down my cheeks.

“You can be mad at me, Alex, but don’t ever discount my love for you.” He grabs both of my hands and puts them on his chest. “I live for you. You’re my entire fucking life and don’t you ever say otherwise.” I try to pull my hands from his body, but he holds firm, letting me feel the beating of his heart. “We don’t know if the baby is mine,” he says, his eyes searching mine, willing me to understand.

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