Page 32 of Takedown

“Let the girl eat, Molly. She can catch a baby faster with some meat on her bones,” Finn yells. I start to choke on my cracker, and Adam runs a hand over his face in embarrassment.

“Let me put dinner on the table. Adam, make sure she eats.” She points a finger in her son’s face to make her point, but she puts it down, grabs his face, and kisses it. She does the same to me and runs to the oven.

“She’s meshugana, that one,” Finn yells.

“Catch a baby?” I whisper to Adam. “What the hell does that mean?”

“That I can knock you up fast. Duh,” he says with a shrug.

“I feel bad, Adam,” I whisper. “Your mom thinks this is real and that we’re—”

“We’re what? Married? Most married people have babies, and I’m my mother’s only child.” He grabs a piece of my hair and wraps it around his finger. “I told you she’d like you,” he says with a sexy smile.

“Yeah, but you said she likes everyone.”

“Don’t do that, Mel. Don’t dismiss yourself. For the record, that’s not exactly true. She’s met a lot of people she doesn’t like, but she likes you because of who you are.” He puts a piece of cheddar cheese to my mouth. “Eat up so you can catch that baby.”

18

“You two will make beautiful babies. Don’t you agree, Finn?” my mother says. Mel is sitting between me and Ma, and poor Finn is by himself on the other side of the table. Every time Mel takes a bite of her pot roast, my mother wipes her mouth. Then she faces me and wipes mine.

“Rabies? Who has rabies?” Finn asks.

Mel lets out a loud laugh, which she tries to hide behind a series of fake coughs.

“Babies!” my mother yells.

“Jesus, Ma! Enough. Let’s just eat.”

“Adam!” Uncle Finn yells. “Don’t take our savior’s name in vain. You’re gonna burn in eternal damnation if you do.”

“Thathe hears,” I whisper to Mel.

We eat in silence. Well, as much silence as possible with Finn yelling out some nonsense every few minutes, but I don’t miss the look on my mother’s face, especially the way she looks from me to Mel. I know that look well. She wants something, and she is going to do her best to get it.

“He’s my only boy, Melanie,” she says sweetly. I meet her eyes and slowly shake my head at her, warning her to drop it. She smirks at me but quickly looks away. “My only child. He weighed almost eleven pounds when he was born. My vag was a wreck after I had him.”

“Ma!” I say. This is extreme even for her. “Come on.” Mel coughs and my mom absentmindedly rubs her back.

“What? I taught you about the human body when you were five. Remember your little friend from down the street. His mother didn’t like it when you told him the names of the female body parts. She was such a prude.”

“Rude?” Finn yells. “Adam, I’ll box your damn ears if you’re rude to your mother, even if I have to get on a stepladder to do it.”

My mom waves Finn off and turns back to Mel. “We’ve been through everything together, me and my boy. I raised him to treat a woman with respect. He’s good to you, right? Adam, you better be good to her.” She reaches over and slaps me upside the head. The sudden movement catches me off guard, and I drop my fork on my plate.

“Yes, he’s very good to me,” Mel says.

I look over at her and wink before blowing her a kiss. She giggles.

“He’d better be because that’s how I raised him. Like I was saying, we’ve been through a lot together, and he only moved out when Finn moved in. I guess all the yelling finally got to him. He’s so considerate, my Adam. It’s always been my dream to see my baby get married. In a church by our priest. As beautiful as you are, I’m sure your dad wants to walk you down the aisle. If your mom is anything like me, she’d want to see you in a beautiful wedding gown. You’d be stunning with that perfect figure. I can picture it now.”

Oh, boy. Mel starts to stammer, and she looks at me, like a deer in headlights. She subtly shakes her head, signaling for me to put a stop to this, but my mother planted the seed and all I can see is my wife walking to me in a beautiful, white wedding dress. A form fitting lace gown, showing off her perfect hourglass figure. So, as my mother is looking at her, pleading with her eyes for the chance to see her only son get married, I don’t rein her in.

She grabs Mellie’s hands and holds them in hers. “We can go wedding dress shopping. I’ll help you plan, and I promise I’m not one of those overbearing mothers. I’ll just be there to take orders. I prayed for a girl when I was pregnant just so I could plan my daughter’s wedding. The good Lord gave me a son instead, but he still heard my prayers because I have you now. Please.” She puts Mellie’s hands to her face, and I know my wife doesn’t stand a chance. Well done, Ma. Well done.

“Well, uh, I’m sure Adam wouldn’t want to go through the trouble and expense of a wedding when we’re already married. Tell her, Adam.” She sits back and waits for me to agree with her.

“I’d love to have the church’s blessing on our marriage,” I say to my wife. Her eyes shoot fire, and I know with each breath, she’s plotting my death, but I could not let this opportunity pass.