Page 12 of Almost Christmas in Paradise

“But this is about your father and what he did to you. He owed me nothing. You’re his son. His deception hurt you more than me.”

“How so?” I ask.

“How so? Really?” she asks. “How do you think? I don’t want you to make this about me and how I feel.”

“I always want to know how my wife feels,” I remind her. “It’s my job to—”

“It’s not your job to monitor my emotions,” she snaps. Then she takes a deep breath and says, “I don’t mean to be short with you, but this is about you not wanting to drag this bullshit into another year, not about me.”

I remain quiet and kiss her shoulder again to calm her down. “But since you want to know,” she says, “I hate that he did this to you. I hate that your memories of him are tainted because I know what it’s like to have a father you look up to and admire. I don’t know how I would handle it if it was my father who did this because he didn’t want me to be with a white guy. And let’s be real, that’s why your father did this. I don’t buy his explanation about me not being from a rich family. We might not be rich when it comes to money, but we are richer than most people on this planet. I come from two amazing parents who loved and raised me and my brother in the best home. I guarantee our home was happier and healthier than a lot ofrich people’s. We wanted for nothing, so I’m so sorry that we don’t have a private plane or a private island to make your father feel better. Like I said, that’s not what it was. Maybe he did want you to be with a white woman from your social class, but I’ll bet everything I own that he wouldn’t have gone to these lengths to keep us apart if I was white and came from the same socioeconomic background. I’m pissed because I expected him to admit what he did, but he didn’t. He lied about the real reason.That’show I feel. Are you happy now?” She tries to get up, but I tighten my arms around her and keep her on my lap. “And if I’m being honest, I’m worried that you’re going to buy that lame-ass explanation.”

“Why would you think that, baby girl?”

“Because this is your father, and I know how you struggle with what he did. It would be easier for you to accept his whitewashed explanation than the truth. The truth is far uglier than the tale he’s spinning. I’m just afraid you’ve waited this long only not to get a real explanation, and because of that, you’ll always carry the weight of what he’s done. He cheated you out of three years of Carter’s life, and he's cheated you out of a real explanation."

“There is no explanation in the world that would make this easier on me. For the record, I agree with you,” is all I say to her. “I’ve had the same thoughts.” When she stiffens more and crosses her arms, I put my hand on her stomach. “I can look at the video myself. I don’t want you to get more upset than you already are.”

She relaxes in my arms and rests her hand on top of mine. “I promise I’m fine.” She pulls my hand down, turns to face me, and rests her forehead on mine. “Partners in everything, remember?” she whispers. She holds up her pinky and I wrap mine around it.

“In everything,” I repeat. “Always.”

Chapter 12

Drake

She wiggles around on my lap, and I wait for her to get comfortable before I press play. With shaky hands, she lifts her water glass to her lips and drinks, and I wonder if I’m doing the right thing by having her here for this. I think I am. We agreed to never lie or keep secrets from each other. We vowed to be equal partners and to never try and shield each other from things. If I had snuck in here in the middle of the night to read the letters and watch the video without her, I would be breaking my promise, and I’d sooner die than do that. Besides, I’d have to explain everything to her, and she would probably demand to see the evidence herself. Either way, she would end up here, and it’s best to do it only once because I know I can’t go through this a second time.

Once she’s comfortable, I wait for her to tell me to push play, only she doesn’t. I start the recording anyway, and instead of seeing my father’s face, I see Howard’s.

“It’s all set for you,” Howard says before he goes off-screen. It’s my father’s home office and it’s dated two months before his death. I remember that time. He was still fighting, and for a moment, I deluded myself into thinking that he would beat the disease. He went fast after that, and I remember every day he got further and further away from me.

He finally shows up on the screen. He’s dressed casually in a light blue pullover. His hair is all gone from the chemo, and he looks frail. Despite everything he’s done to me, I still miss this man. Not the man who conspired against me, but the father who taught me everything I know.

“Hi, Son,” he says. His voice is not the loud and commanding one I grew up with. He sounds weak, like a shell of the man I knew. “If you’re watching this video, then I’m already gone. Not only am I gone, but I’ve been gone for about a year now. Knowing you, you took your time with this. You didn’t run home and hit play right away. You had to work through it first.” My dad chuckles as if anything he's saying is funny.

Nia purses her lips, probably to keep herself from saying something smart or derogatory about my father. She wants to get this over with as much as I do. That’s why she’s quiet now.

“Speak your mind, Ni,” I say after I pause the recording.

“What makes you think I have anything to say? I just want to get through this,” she says.

“I know you. You’re pursing your lips so tight, you’ll go cross-eyed.”

“That doesn’tmake any sense, Paradise.”

“Don’t hold anything back from me.” I rub the tip of my nose on her shoulder. “Talk to me. Tell me how you feel. This video is as much about you as it is about me.”

She turns and looks into my eyes. I hold her stare. She sighs and says, “Why is he acting like anything about this is funny? And isn’t it ironic that he went through all this only for him to confess it all in the end? Fucking asshole,” she hisses. I rub her shoulders. She takes a deep breath and says, “I’m sorry. Come on. Let’s continue.” She goes to press play, but I take her hand and put it down.

“Don’t ever apologize to me for how you feel.” I lift her hand and kiss it. Then, I press play.

“You've read the letter by now, I hope. If not, press pause, read it, and come back. If you’ve read it already, let’s continue. I’m not going to rehash what I wrote, which was two months ago now. I was going to write more, but I don’t have the strength, and Howard suggested we do this. The only thing I will reiterate is that Howard had nothing to do with this. Please remember that. You’ll want to take your anger out on someone. You’ll need to make someone pay, but please know that whatever Howard did, it was at my urging.

“The other thing I want to reiterate is that Scarlett knew almost from the beginning because I told her. You were so depressed, so I asked for her help in getting you out of your funk. She’s always wanted you, so it was, in my twisted mind, a way to make things up to you. I took one woman away from you, so if I gave you another, we would be even.” He pauses and looks away. He starts to cough, but the video picks up again once he’s under control.

“Well, it didn’t work. I know my son. I know you never married Scarlett. You were never into her, and I know you only proposed because you were in no danger of getting hurt byher. It was torture watching you two together. There was no chemistry. No passion or joy. You didn’t light up. I saw more sparks in the text message exchanges you had with Nia than I ever saw with you and Scarlett. With all that being said, please don’t be too hard on her. I’m the one who dragged her into this mess, and I feel so guilty about that. I used her, and I shouldn’t have involved her at all. Another thing. I told a lie in the letter I wrote. It wasn’t only because of class. It was race. Yes. Your father, the one who taught you love and acceptance could not accept the woman you love because of her race. Not only that, but I went to great lengths to deceive you. I love your siblings, but you are the one, Drake. I’m dying, and it’s going to happen soon. It’s only a matter of time, and I don’t want to leave any lies behind. I got between you and Nia and kept you away from your son because I did not want you to be with a woman outside of your own race. It sounds so stupid now that I’ve said it out loud, and I’m ashamed of myself.” He looks away from the camera, takes a breath and looks back up. “For the past few years, I’ve failed you, and I’m sorry. I hope in the future you can remember our good times and forgive me. You’re my boy, Drake, and I love you so much. I always have. Even when I did terrible things to you, I loved you. I told myself I was protecting you, but the reality is, I was doing this for myself. For my image. Even though I’m not there anymore, I know you have regained everything that I took from you, and I’m happy that you did. It was what you were always meant to have. Remember that not even death can change my love for you. You were created in love, and I loved you until I took my last breath.”

The screen goes dark, and the room goes quiet. I don’t know what I expected, but I thought there would be so much more than what I got. Yes, he’s explained but so far, it hasn’t brought me any peace or closure. So,I wrap my arms around my wife, and I stick my face in the middle of her back. Nothing and no one can bring me more peace than her.

---