Page 33 of Almost Christmas in Paradise

Now, we’re in the loud Nash household. Langley made dragons for the nephews too, and they are flying them in the living room while talking and laughing at once. Nia’s mother is helping Priya with hers.

“Hey,” Nathanial Nash says. I look away from watching the kids to see him pointing at me. “Get your ass in the kitchen and help me. Why are you sitting down?”

Nia snickers at me and points at the kitchen. Nathanial throws my apron in my face and whistles for me to follow him.

“That sweater you’re wearing is ugly,” he says, and I look down at it.

“You have a problem with Santa?”

“When you’re in this house, it’s black Santa,” he says. He points to the kitchen island, and tells me to get to work. It’s the same spot he made for me last time, and after putting on my apron and washing my hands, I get to work.

Ray comes in with fresh drinks for us and says, “I found a spot for us to go to in the Bahamas. It will be our first of the new year.” He holds his drink and he and his father toast. When they all stare at me, I take my glass and clink it with theirs.

The father and son reminisce about when Ray was Mason’s age and how excited he was that Christmas when he got a PlayStation.

That triggers my own memories of Christmases past with my own father. I can’t think of a single bad holiday with my family, especially Christmas. Our parents hardly denied us any material things, but Christmas was always over the top. There were so many presents we’d have stuff to unwrap for days. When we got older, we received more experiences like trips, but it was alwaysthe parties and the time we spent together as a family that I cherished the most.

We were the perfect nuclear family. We loved each other, and other than the typical squabbles that siblings have, I was extremely close to mine, especially Langley since we’re only two years apart. We shared the same interests and even had some of the same friends. We were inseparable as boys but grew apart as we got older. We barely had a relationship for five years, and unbeknownst to me, that was because of our father too. Even though he didn’t do it intentionally, his obvious favoritism of me led to resentment from my brother.

I miss the childhood I had and the father I had before I learned about his deception. The man who left me that self-serving letter is someone I don’t recognize. How could I have gotten it so wrong about him? How did I miss the signs? Yet how could I have ever guessed that my father hid my son from me and destroyed the relationship with the only woman I will ever love?

I don’t realize I’m crying until a tear lands on top of my hand. I can’t even blame the onions since I haven’t gotten to them yet. Another tear falls, and I wipe them with the back of my hand.

“Ray, go get his coat,” I hear a voice say before the knife is taken from my hand, and I’m dragged out the sliding door onto the deck. Ray returns moments later with my coat and leaves me alone with his father.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” is all I say. I look into the backyard without saying another word.

“Tough,” he says. “If I catch you crying in my kitchen, you have to tell me why.”

“I wasn’t crying,” I lie.

“Right. Dust,” he says. “Go on and talk.” But I don’t say a word. At least not right away. I stare at him and then look away into the distance. “I’m waiting,” he says.

“Seeing you and Ray together triggered some memories about my dad.” I shrug. “I was thinking of the good times. And then I wondered how he could do what he did.”

He walks over and puts a hand on my shoulder. “That’s normal. It will probably happen again. It’s okay.”

“I don’t want my kids to see me this way.”

“Like what? As a human with feelings? Let them see it. And you need to understand that you had no control over what your father did. He hid that part about himself from you, and he did a good job of it. But you got it all back. I know you lost some time, but my daughter is in there and so are your children. I know it’s easier said than done but think more about the future and less about the past. It will always hurt, but in time, it will hurt less.”

I mull his words over and can’t imagine a time when this will hurt less. Then I remember I was in a great place until I decided to read that letter. Maybe it’s just new and raw, and once the holidays are over, things will get back to normal.

“I hope you’re right,” is all I can think to say.

“I’m always right.” He bumps my shoulder with his.

“I feel so guilty whenever I think of the good times. Like I’m betraying my wife and son.”

“Nia understands this is hard for you too. My daughter won’t—”

“She’s been amazing.” I smile at the thought of my wife. From the moment she forgave me and gave me another chance, she’s been all in. She was not only open to giving me a second chance, but she accepted my family too.

“Then all I can tell you is to take your time dealing with this.” He moves closer. “And I’m here if you want to talk about anything.”

Out of everyone on this earth, he’s the last person I thought would offer me any comfort about my father, but I’m glad he is.

“I’ve been kind of lost since Dad died. It’s as if I’ve lost him twice. I lost the loving father I thought he was, and I lost the real him without being able to confront him. I think that’s what I’ll never get over. Other than going to his grave and talking into the wind, I’m just carrying this anger, and I have nowhere for it to go.”

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