Page 64 of Stolen Dreams

“ID.”The man behind the glass window barked out his order.I took my wallet out of my back pocket, opening it and giving him my license.The plastic card fell into the silver drawer at the bottom where he reached in to grab it.Taking it out, he looked at my ID and then at me.“What inmate are you here to see?”

“Tricia Clarkson,” I said, my voice feeling like there was a frog in my throat.

He turned to his computer doing something.“Okay.”He dropped my ID back in the silver part, and I grabbed it back.“Wait over there.They’ll call you when it’s your turn.”

I nodded; my palms sweaty as I walked over to the side where other people were waiting as well.A couple of women waited with their children.A couple of men waited with their phones in their hands.I waited with my back against the wall, my heartbeat echoing in my ears the whole time.

I didn’t know how long I waited.It could have been five minutes like it could have been four days.“Visitor for Clarkson.”A man came out of the silver door, and I stepped forward.

“Follow me.”He turned, and I stepped with him through the silver door, coming face-to-face with a metal detector and a conveyor belt.“Empty your pockets.”He held out a plastic bin for me.“Place it on that.”He pointed at the conveyor belt.“Then step through,” he said, and I emptied my pockets, putting my car keys and wallet in the bin with my phone, before walking through the detector.

Another man stood there and did a once-over with a wand.“You’re good,” he said and motioned with his chin to the plastic bin waiting for me.“You can store your stuff in locker fifteen.”

I grabbed my stuff before walking over to the wall of lockers and putting it in there before turning to the man who walked me in and going to another door.He took his card and scanned it in before the door unlocked.He held the door open for me, and I walked down the empty yellow hallway with nothing on the walls.The lone door at the end, when we got to it.He waited a beat, and then it buzzed him open.“She’s going to be at number seven,” he told me, and I looked at him.“When you’re done, you have to press the white button, and we’ll let you out.”

I nodded at him, not sure what else to say to him.Walking in, I looked right and left, seeing ten chairs all lined up in a row.Three chairs were taken as I looked to see it was by number.I walked over seeing the glass separating the prisoners from the visitors, a phone on both sides with a brown counter in front of each.Exactly the way it was in the movies.I didn’t know why I thought it would be different.I didn’t know what I thought it would be, to be honest.

I saw the number seven on the corner of the glass, so I pulled out the chair and sat down, putting my hands on the top of the brown table in front of me.My foot rose and fell, my head telling me that being there was a mistake.Before I could get the fuck out, I saw a woman walking toward me.She was wearing white, her black hair still as I remembered it, falling around her face.She looked like she gained fifty pounds since she’d been in jail.She pulled the chair out and sat down, looking at me, and I had to wonder if she even knew who I was.

I picked up the phone, and she did the same.“Hello,” I said nervously.

“What the fuck do you want?”I looked down at my hand and laughed, not sure why I expected anything different from her.She wasn’t motherly when I was younger, and she definitely didn’t turn motherly in the past ten years that she’d been locked up.My earliest memory of her was throwing me across the room when I was crying because my father left to go to work and her telling me to shut the fuck up.

“I don’t know,” I answered her honestly.“I figured that I was finally of age to come and visit you and thought maybe you would want to see me.”

“Want to see you?”She put her head back and laughed, and the only thing I could think was that she was evil.“I’m trying to fucking forget you.”I didn’t say anything to her, and I wanted to kick myself for letting her words get to me.“Go to bed at night wishing you were fucking dead, or better yet, never fucking existed.”

I took a deep inhale.“Not that you give a shit.”I stared into her eyes.“Obviously, just wanted you to know that I’ve joined the military.”She rolled her eyes.“You know, since my life has been rainbows and butterflies since you killed my father.”

“That was all you,” she hissed at me, her eyes that were light suddenly went dark.“You put this fucking evil in me.”Her voice went a bit higher.“You’re evil inside and out, and everything you touch becomes rotten to the core just like you.I was fine before you, but the minute I had you in me, it was like you were part of the devil.”My mouth went dry.“You are the reason I’m in here.You put the devil in me, just like you are going to spread your poison to everyone you touch.Everyone you love will feel the evilness you have.Got it in your blood, seeping to come out.”She spat at the glass, right at me.“I should have killed you at the same time.To stop you from spreading the evil that lives inside you.I should have killed you to stop the poison from spreading.Your kids will have the same evil you have, and your wife is going to end up exactly where I am today.Hopefully, when she kills herself or her child, she kills you also.One could hope at least, and then I’ll finally be free of the devil that is inside me, that you left inside me.”She shrugged and hung up the phone before pushing away from the table and getting up.

I put the phone down, walking toward the door and pressing the white button.I didn’t say a word to anyone as I made my way out and to the waiting car I borrowed to come here.The minute I got to the driver’s side door, I put my hand on top of the car and threw up on the side of it.Vowing to never, ever fall in love with anyone and especially never bring a child into this world.I knew what she said was not right.I knew in my gut that she was the evil one, but I had her blood in my veins, and I refused to let her continue.

I sit in the darkness all night long, not wanting to be in bed without her.Not willing to smell her all around me, knowing I can’t have her.Also knowing that not a day will go by when I won’t love Lilah.

I hear footsteps when the sun comes up, and when I finally look over to the bedside table, I see it’s just after six in the morning.I hear giggling followed by a “Shhh.”

Taking a deep inhale, I get up and rub my hand over my face, my body feeling like it’s been run over by a herd of bulls.Walking out, I see Lucy and Saige are in the kitchen eating the leftover cupcakes I put on the side for them this morning.“Morning,” I say to them both, and their heads whip to mine.

“Morning,” they both say at the same time and then giggle, “we’re having breakfast.”

“Okay,” I reply, not having the energy to tell them cupcakes are not breakfast.Instead going over to the coffee machine and making coffee.“I’m going to head into the shower, and when I come out, I’ll make you breakfast.”

I head to my bedroom bypassing the bed, and I swear it feels like she’s in the room with me.The shower is even worse when I see her bottles of soap, along with her shampoo.I stick to cold water so I can rush through the shower, and when I walk out, the girls are on the couch under the throw blankets.“Pancakes or eggs?”I ask them and they both shout back.

“Pancakes!”

I fix them breakfast, cutting up some fruit before calling them over.“Should I get Lilah?”Lucy asks and I shake my head.

“She’s not here.”I say the words, feeling like they’re slicing my throat while I say them.“She had to go back to her house to study for her exam,” I lie to her.“Eat before it gets cold.”

The day drags by and the night is even worse when Lucy ends up staying at Brock’s.The bottle of whiskey keeps me company until I pass out on the couch.The next day we’re getting ready to ride Rosy when Lucy asks, “Can we get Lilah some lunch?”I shake my head.

“No, she’s busy,” I answer, and I can see a defeated Lucy, but she doesn’t say anything while we ride.Even dinner is eerily quiet as we eat side by side, both of us probably missing Lilah.

I don’t make it to my bed that night either, opting to sleep on the couch.Drop-off is quick, and when I see her truck parked in her spot, I somehow feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.I get out and head to the barn, seeing her right away.The pain in my chest gets more intense as I watch her smile with Sammy, her eyes watching him while he says something.

“Morning,” Charlie mumbles as he walks past me into the barn.“We need to talk?”

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