Page 128 of Capri

“Because seeing you with her only confirmed what I already knew deep down,” I exhale, pursing through deep breaths.

“And what’s that?” His head lifts, revealing the most tender and loving soul behind those pine-colored eyes. Eyes I know are about to look at me entirely differently.

“That I’m not ready. I thought I was, but I’m not. I should never have reacted like that just by seeing you with her. I’m ashamed.”

“What are you talking about?” he asks. “Don’t say that.” I can visibly see his heart breaking.

My arms fly open, pleading with Jones to just see me—to understand me. “Look at me, Jones. I’m a fucking mess. All it took was seeing you two together and I lost it. All of my worst fears came forward, reminding me why I’m not built for this. Built to be in a relationship right now.”

He reaches for my thigh and I fight to not lean into him, not letting him see the effect he still has on me. “Capri, Vivian is my mother’s nurse. Nothing more. She’s who I’ve been talking with about plans to better her care. I had no way of knowing who she was to you. I’m sorry for that, but it was out of my control.”

“And I love that for your mother and you. But it doesn’t matter for us,” I shake my head, sniffling through the tears. “It’s better I realize it sooner than later. I can’t jeopardize my heart again for a fling.”

It’s as if all the air in my tiny car evaporates. “A fling? Is that what you think this is?” He gestures between us.

I feel numb, like I’m fighting to stay alive at this point. “It’s what I have to tell myself. It’s what I have to believe to move on. I can’t hurt you later on because I’m too selfish to admit I have work to do on myself. Same goes for my own heartbreak. I won’t survive it a second time.”

As if my heart couldn’t shatter any more than it already has, Jones cries out in the most agonizing pain, “I’m not him!” His hand reaches for mine, forcing me to lock eyes with him. “Can’t you see that? I would never hurt you. I’ve proven that to you, yet you still doubt me. Love is about taking risks and chances. I want to be with someone who gives me the benefit of the doubt, not someone searching for the worst.”

“You’ll find her. I know it.” I’m detaching, and he feels it.

Jones shakes his head, clenching his fingers like it’ll relieve the pain coursing through his body. “I don’t want anyone else. What don’t you get? God, Capri, I’m fucking confused. Just last week, we were pleading with each other to never leave, and now this. It’s frustrating as hell and, frankly, exhausting.”

My voice croaks, the emotional journey of today overwhelming me. “What do you not understand, Jones? I’ll never be what you want. I’m doing us both a favor. I can’t give you what you need right now.”

“A favor? Is that what you think breaking my fucking heart is doing?”

I shake my head, refusing to let him see me cry. “Just go,” I cry out. “Please.”

“No. You’re too important to leave without a fight. So, listen to me clearly because I won’t repeat myself.” With tears I fought hard to keep tucked away streaming down my cheeks, I wait.

I listen.

His voice gets closer, making his pure intentions clear. “I love you. In fact, I’m so madly in love with you I don’t feel like myself half the time. The me I was before you, at least. But no part of me wants to be that man again, Capri. Not when I can love you.”

Those are the words my heart has quite literally yearned to hear.

A man who chooses me and loves me with a fever I can match.

But I can’t reciprocate that right now. Despite loving him, I’m not sure I’ll ever get there. To a place of full trust.

“You shouldn't have said that,” I whisper, my stomach dropping. “I can’t, Jones. I just can’t.”

“You can,” he pleads, the cracking in his voice begging me to hear him.

I shake my head. “No, you don’t understand. Today triggered something in me. Something I never want to feel again. I thought I dealt with the betrayal, but I was wrong. I let my guard down and it was a mistake.”

“Nothing about us is a mistake,” Jones whispers, and it sounds a lot like he’s starting not to believe it himself.

“That’s not what I mean,” I exclaim. “It was stupid of me to think I could just go to Italy and erase the hurt like it meant nothing. The last thing I expected to come from that trip was you.”

“You regret it?” The pain in his eyes feels like a reflection of myself.

“No, I don’t. Although I should.” I search for him, begging for eye contact. “But let’s face it, you leave next week, Jones. We knew this was coming.”

That causes a knee-jerk reaction. He didn’t like that. Understandably, but it doesn’t make it any less true.

“I’m beginning to think this has been entirely one-sided.” He shakes his head, and I feel the turn our conversation is taking. “I have sailed the entire Mediterranean, been alone for half of my life, met hundreds of beautiful women, and endured some tough shit, but none of those things have impacted me the way loving you has. But at what cost? I won’t force you to love me back, Capri. I won’t settle. And once again, I’m not him. I’m a goddamn man with morals and respect for you. I’m confident I’ve shown you that.”

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