Page 25 of Samuel's Heart

I wish I could talk to her, but that’s impossible if I want to see others like her.

“Excuse me?” Samuel’s voice attracts my attention, and the waiter.

I stop breathing when Joanna walks towards us with a smile on her face, and I notice the colour of her eyes, so similar to John’s. The memory of when we first met and I was crushing on him fills my mind. I smile, and I allow the swell of emotion to overflow.

Her face takes on a concerned look before she stops next to us.

“What can I do for you, gentlemen?”

“Can we have some tissues for my friend here? Something got into his eyes.”

I want to kiss Samuel, platonically, for saving me and finding an excuse for the tears streaming down my cheeks.

She runs away to bring Samuel what he asks.

“Thank you,” I say to him, hoping how true those words are is coming through.

“No worries.” And he surprises me by patting my hand and squeezing it for a second.

“Thank you,” I say to Joanna, when she’s back with what we asked for.

“Can I get you anything else?”

I look at Samuel, pleading with him to stay here, at least for a little while. I’m not ready to go. Even if I can’t talk to her, I can allow the memories of John and me to come back. The good memories.

“Can we have another two coffees? And a lemon muffin, please. Rory?”

“Shortbread millionaire.” I say the first thing that comes to mind because I’m not hungry at all.

“That’s my favourite,” Joanna says. Her childlike smile reminds me of John.

Only at that moment do I realise I’ve ordered John’s favourite without even thinking.

She’s gone before we can say anything else.

I spend the next few hours looking at her, then losing myself in my thoughts, remembering the many times John and I went to a coffee shop. He’d challenge me to order something different, only for him to end up ordering the same thing every time. Then he’d try what I was forced to order and complain, saying his choices were the best.

All the while, I feel the silent presence of Samuel next to me. Never overbearing, but always supportive.

“Time to go,” Samuel says, and I glance back at my phone, noticing four hours have passed since we got here.

“I’m ready.” And I really am. I’m ready to be in the hotel room and let my emotions overwhelm me with no witnesses.

“Thank you,” I say once again to Samuel. It won’t be the last time I’ll say it to him. However, what he gave me today will be difficult to forget.

If we were closer than we are, I would ask him to hug me, because right now I’m missing the touch of another person on me. Not in a sexual way, but the way someone shows support and compassion.

The moments I need this kind of touch are when I miss John the most.

Chapter Eleven

Samuel

It’s been three weeks since I witnessed what meeting Joanna has done to Rory.

It broke him, and I could do nothing to help him. He spent hours crying, sobbing, and then sniffling, only to start the cycle again.

I’m waiting for Aidan to provide the next name, and I hope he does it soon. I’m ready to move on from this case. I don’t like what it’s doing to me, how much it reminds me of my own demons. I need out.

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