Page 32 of Samuel's Heart

“I don’t think that’s the case. I bet you felt bad for whoever died that night. However, your life was looking brighter.” Samuel’s words are making this awkward moment a better one. A celebration of someone’s death, and a celebration of someone’s life.

“Yes, boy,” Ian says, patting Samuel’s hand. “You got that right.”

“We rushed to the hospital, and after that, it was an emotional roller coaster—a moment of fear and hope. I don’t think I’ll have another moment like that ever again.” He stays silent for a while, probably reliving whatever happened to him.

“What happened next?” I ask, because I need to know.

“It was a boy, you know. The one that died and allowed me to live a normal life.” His eyes are wet and I’m glad John’s kidney went to this man. A person who can appreciate life and the sacrifice of a life for another.

“I had a long operation, and there were complications, but in the end, everything was fine and now I have all this. I pray every day for that boy who gave me back all this.” He looks at the place, at what he built after the operation, but his gaze searches out Stacey and stays there for a long minute. The love he has for her shines through and lights the entire place.

My eyes fill with tears again, because of what I lost, but also for what John was able to achieve in death.

How can I be proud of him for what he did when I lost him? Does what I’m thinking even make sense?

I don’t look at them because I need a minute to get my emotions under control. If I talk or even meet their gazes, I’m going to break and tell him I’m the person who lost his lover, and by losing him, I also lost the life we’d built together.

Samuel’s eyes on me are like a blanket, and a reminder, that if I say something I’ll lose the chance to find out more about John, and the lives he gave back to these people.

“Here we are.” Stacey’s pleased voice gets my attention, and I watch as she places three huge plates of food in front of us.

I’m not sure I can get anything inside me right now, but then one of Samuel’s hands comes to rest on my knee, away from prying eyes, and once again his touch is like a mother’s touch for a crying baby, bringing peace and calm.Andhope?

“Eat,” he whispers, so I take the fork and focus my attention on the food in front of me. I’ll have time to think about today, and everything else, later.

One question, though, is swirling inside my head, and before I can think better of it, I ask.

“Why this name?”

“What do you mean?”

“What is the meaning of the name? Why did you choose this name?”

He looks at me as if he never thought about this before, and for a second, I think he’s not going to answer, but after a few moments, he does.

“You’re probably going to think that I’m crazy, but I swear on everything I love that someone whispered it to me. I felt like Ihad to give it this name, as if I needed to say to someone I’m still here.”

Is this a message from John? Is this message for me?

Can I believe it? Or am I just grasping at straws?

I concentrate on my plate, and I eat as quickly as possible, because I want to be away from here. I want to crawl into bed and get under the sheets, and stay there until all my tears are gone, and my desire to see John has diminished.

I’m glad to leave the conversation to Samuel, but his presence, gaze, and comfort are never too far.

We spend a few hours there, and walking away is the hardest thing I have to do because it’s like losing John again. I’m grateful Samuel is here, and he takes me away, because Ian would have noticed something was wrong with me. He probably did already, but he hasn’t said anything.

While we walk away, I keep stealing glances at the place, because I know this will be the last time John will call me his heart. We don’t talk, and the farther we get, the more I want to run back, but I can only move forward.

I’m glad when we are in our room.

“I’m going for a shower,” I say to Samuel as soon as we are in.

I don’t even wait for him to answer or acknowledge me. I pick up my towel and then rush to the bathroom.

I close the door with a light click and turn the water on. While it gets warm, I get rid of my clothes, and as soon as I’m naked, I jump in.

Only then do I allow myself to cry.

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