Page 35 of Samuel's Heart

“You did nothing wrong.”

“Yes, I did. Because I was close to telling Ian everything. Only my promise to you kept me from spilling everything.”

I turn a bit more and place my lips on his skin, and trying to make this moment a little less heavy, I give him what he needs.

“If you don’t tell anyone, I won’t tell either. That we broke the rule today, I mean,” I say to Rory, while pulling back to see his face. My heart bangs inside my chest when the smallest ofsmiles blossoms under teary eyes. Something inside me breaks and pushes me forward to protect this man and to give him what he needs most: peace.

“I’m sorry,” I say, and I plant another light kiss. I don’t seem able to stop myself.

“I feel guilty most of the time because I survived, and he didn’t. Because I’m not doing whatever it was that always made him proud of me. Because I can’t move forward without him.” A sob shakes his frame, and hot tears fall on my naked arms. I pull him closer, and he relaxes a bit more against me.

“I’m sure he’s proud of you right now.”

“Why should he be?” It’s a real question. I can hear it in his voice.

“Because you are doing everything to follow what your heart desires. Everyone would be proud of being with someone like you.”

“We used to fight a lot because I couldn’t trust anyone. Because the only one I was comfortable with was him.”

“I’m sure it never lasted long.”

“You’re right. We never went to bed upset with each other. However, nothing ever changed, because the next time I reacted the same way.”

“We are the sums of our past. I’m sure he understood.”

“He was everything to me. I loved our small world.”

He cries until his breathing gets heavy, and then his body completely relaxes against mine.

The phone in my pocket vibrates, but I don’t move because I don’t want to disturb Rory. From his pallid skin and the circles under his eyes, he must not be sleeping well. I hope I can give him a night of rest because I’m not good at taking care of people unless it’s saving them from danger. And sometimes I fail with that as well.

My fear of having my own guilt surface above the water keeps me away from people. I love my friends, but only Jason knows what I went through, and not the full story, but he won’t share my secret with anyone.

Tomorrow we’re travelling to London, and I won’t see Rory until the next name. I’ll have to contact Aidan again, and hopefully, he won’t be his usual bastard self.

I need a break. I need a break to rebuild the walls I created when I killed Adrian, when my little bubble of confidence and recklessness shattered into a million pieces. When my life stopped being mine and became a way to ask for forgiveness.

When am I going to find the courage to face what I did, and ask for absolution from the people I failed?

I relax against the pillow, while pulling Rory even closer listening to the sound of his breathing, until I follow him into the land of dreams.

* * *

A phone ringing pulls me back to the land of the living. My body protests as soon as I try to get up from bed.

I glance around, looking for Rory, until my brain catches up with reality and I remember me having him in my arms happened a couple of days ago. Since then, I’ve avoidedhim, because I’m still trying to build that wall back up. Unsuccessfully.

My arms feel empty, and my body feels cold without Rory’s weight and warmth. I shouldn’t be thinking about him this way, not when he’s trying to say goodbye to his lost love. And when I’m not in any way, shape, or form ready for anything to happen between us.

I stagger to my feet when my phone begins ringing again, slowly making my way to the chest of drawers to pick it up, and a smile spreads across my face when I read the name.

“Jason.”

“Hey, mate. How are you?”

“I’m good.” But I hiss when I turn around to walk back to bed, so I can sit down.

“Don’t lie to me, or I’ll be forced to come over and take care of you.” His voice has a light tone, but he’s dead serious. He’s like a mama bear when any of his friends need help. It’s probably the reason we’re friends.

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