Page 41 of Samuel's Heart

“How can you say that when someone lost his life to save yours?”

Shame, on a level I’ve never felt before, fills me, and this time I don’t have words.

“Why didn’t you come to the funeral? Why didn’t you visit his grave? Why don’t you visit his family?”

Silence is the only thing I can offer him.

“Go talk to Lucy, see Daniel, and move forward. Do your job, make a life for yourself, and make Adrian proud.”

I look at him, surprised by everything he said and how different he looked for just those few moments.

“Now, here’s the file. I don’t have a lot of info on this guy. I have all the teams busy with another issue. I’ll call you if I find more, but this time, you’ll have to do some legwork to get the full picture.” He laughs at his own joke, knowing very well that there is no legwork when I’m involved.

“Thank you,” I say to him, but I’m not sure if it’s for the pep talk or the file . . . or for both. I always thought there was onlyicy darkness inside Aidan, but I might have been wrong.Verywrong.

“Now, leave my office and home.” With those parting words, he stands and walks to his desk, giving me his back.

I pick up the folder and walk out, still feeling like I’ve been through the grinder.

Once I’m out of the building, I take a deep breath to calm my nerves and dissipate the overwhelming feeling of falling down a dark hole.

I walk to my car and when I get in, an overwhelming need to do what Aidan told me to do comes over me. I drive to Adrian’s place, the one where his wife and kid still live. How do I know? Because I used to come here every week, because even though the shame was too much to handle, I still needed to see that they were okay. Even if I could never reach out to them.

At first, seeing Lucy dealing with her grief while raising Daniel, who was still looking for his dad, was too much to bear. Every time I came here, every time I saw them, growing faster and older, while I was stuck on that day—that time, that moment—that changed my life forever.

I’m never going to be my old self again. The overexcited rookie, ready to take on the world head-on, to make the world a better place. I’m only going to be the man who caused my partner’s death, who made his wife a widow, and his kid an orphan.

How can I ever move on from that? What am I going to be other than a murderer? Where can I find my redemption if I don’t save the people around me? If I don’t put my life on the line like Adrian did?

While Aidan’s words replay in my mind, I spot the people who suffered the most because of what I did. Or didn’t. How can I look them in the eyes and tell them I’m sorry, when what I did comes from a place of cowardice?

What I’m doing by helping others and staying away from the people I’ve hurt is the best thing I can do—even if it costs me my life.

I follow Lucy and Daniel with my eyes, watching them walk towards the little park near the house. I’ve watched them take the same path more than once in the last two years. She looks beautiful, and is so close to the strong lady I met so many times when I went to their house for dinner. Daniel is a little man. He’s so grown up and so similar to Adrian, even if he barely knew his dad.

I watch them until they turn the corner and are out of sight. Only then do I turn the car on and, with a renewed focus, drive home.

Legwork it is. I’m ready to make Adrian proud, so maybe one day I can stand before his wife and son to show them that even if they lost Adrian because of me, I did everything I could to keep his memory and teachings alive.

Maybe then they’ll be able to forgive me.

Now, my focus should be on Rory, and making sure he’s okay and ready to let go. Maybe with a story so similar to mine, he can help me.

Maybe I’m a hypocrite because I want him to move forward while I stay attached to the past. But then, he didn’t murder his boyfriend like I did my friend.

Once back at home, I display the folder on the small table in front of the sofa. Aidan was right; the info here is not much. Something to get started with though, and that’s enough for me.

I’m beat, and it’s not even the end of the afternoon yet. Between the emotional rollercoaster of discovering Aidan’s friendship with Adrian, his pep talk about becoming the man Adrian wanted me to be, and the pain of walking around too much, I’m like a drained battery needing a fast charge to get to the evening. I’m glad I didn’t plan to go anywhere, and I’ll be ordering out for sure. My plan is to spend my evening sitting on this sofa, making a head start on gathering the info I need to find the next person.

I take my laptop, pen, and paper and sit back on the sofa. A sigh of relief leaves me when I relax against the cushion. I put my feet up, but not before taking the first paper on the pile Aidan provided.

It’s a list of names. I go through them and try to let my gut lead me, but there’s not enough information. So, I pick up the next piece of paper, and it’s a more detailed insight of every name on the first sheet. They could all be the potential receiver of John’s lungs.

I make myself more comfortable on the sofa by lying down and resting my head on a cushion. The papers are on my chest with my phone, just in case I need to search for something. I check the first name, trying to fit all the information I have on the other pages to what there is on the first. It’s like a puzzle and that’s the part of the job I love most—investigating, unfolding an intricate situation so that the key information can be read. It’s a hard and sometimes ungrateful job, but it’s so rewarding when it leads to the arrest of bad people.

I’m glad when I can take out a name. At the time the ‘real’ Joseph, the recipient, was receiving John’s lungs, this ‘fake’ Joseph was on his way to a different hospital for another issue.

I keep searching, but the info is getting jumbled in my head and my eyes are getting heavy. I glance at my phone and see it’s just a few minutes past seven. I pick it up and order some food on the app.

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