Page 45 of Samuel's Heart

Page after page, I read all the info, and when I finish the last one, I look around and the room is much darker than before. I glance at my clock and it’s nearly five p.m. I search for Samuel and he’s sitting in the same spot, and still working on the pile of paper in front of him.

I stir and my stomach rumbles. Samuel turns his head towards me and blinks a few times, as if coming out of a dream.

“Let’s have a coffee and I’ll check if I have anything edible.” He rises from his chair and walks to the fridge, but before he can reach it, there’s a knock at the door.

Samuel turns around and walks out. I wait until I hear the door open, and then a chorus of hellos.

I don’t move, but I listen to whatever is happening outside.

“Hey man,” someone says, and then is followed by other voices saying more or less the same things.

“Hey guys. What are you doing here?”

“Trying to get in,” a shrill voice says.

“Martin,” Samuel’s voice takes a note I’ve never heard before, and that makes me kind of jealous, because it speaks of a deep connection. No one has ever used that tone with me, before or after John.

I’m up and walking towards those voices before I can even think about what I’m doing. I watch Samuel hug a redhead until a man nearly as muscled as Samuel, and close to my height, pulls him away and then kisses the smaller man as if making a claim. The others holler for them to stop and get a room.

I watch, my jealousy gone, and it morphs into a feeling of envy for the friends he has and for how lonely I am. When I lost John, I lost everything.

“Who’s that?” the redhead asks, pointing at me. The man who just kissed him pushes his hand down and whispers something in his ear.

Samuel turns and looks at me, as if remembering he’s not alone and I’m still here with him.

“That’s Rory.”

“Hi Rory,” they say again.

“Hi,” I say, but I wish a crater would open and engulf me. I’m not that lucky, though.

Martin is the first to reach out.

“I’m Martin,” he says, pointing at himself, and then he turns around.

“Keegan,” Martin says, pointing at the man who was kissing him. “Mark and Zane,” he says, moving to an older man, and the young guy plastered to his back. A couple, I guess.

Oh, and the look in Zane’s eyes makes me wish I had someone who would look at me just like that. My eyes seek Samuel, but he’s talking with a blond guy.

Why did my gaze go to Samuel? Do I want Samuel to be that person? The questions invade my brain . . . No . . .

Am I lying?Me, the person who never does?

“Then behind them, Jordan. Mark’s little brother. And this is Trevor,” Martin continues, pointing to the dark-haired man smiling towards us.

Then he moves to the blond man now patting Samuel’s shoulder, and my gaze zeroes in on the touch, and I barely listen to Martin’s introduction.

“This is Jason,” Martin says, and the guy turns towards me and smiles, but my gaze is on the spot where his hand still rests on Samuel’s shoulder.

When everyone goes silent, Jason slowly takes his hand away, and I’m fully back in the room, realising everyone is looking at me.

“I should go,” I say, conscious of my behaviour and the fact that I don’t really know anyone here. Even Samuel, who I metjust a few weeks ago, is someone I don’t really know. But he’s someone I’m trying to claim as mine, at least in my head.

Am I so love starved I can mistake pity for something more?

Fuck! I really need to go. I mentally check if I have everything on me, and then I walk to the door. “Thank you for today. Let me know when you want to meet again. Nice to meet you guys.” I don’t look at anyone or anything, and I keep my focus on the door, on the lifeline the door represents right now.

Once I’m at home, I’ll think really hard about what I’m doing. About the feelings growing inside me for the man who’s only trying to help.

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