Page 58 of Samuel's Heart

Samuel

Seeing him broken once again while we were talking to Joseph has done a number on me.

I wanted to stand up and go to him, take him into my arms and keep him close, so I could tell him everything was going to be fine, even if it wasn’t.

How can it all be so messed up? I can’t be allowed to love someone after what I’ve done.

I leave my apartment and walk to the car. Like I usually do when the pain becomes too much, I drive to Adrian’s place to check if they’re okay. It kills me every time I come here, but I need the reminder that what I’m doing, I’m doing for them.

Yet, you don’t talk to them.

I don’t. How could I face them after what I’ve done?

I can help them by staying away, by sending money through other colleagues, so they don’t know it’s me sending it.

Now is the time when they’re coming home from school, so I wait until Daniel’s face comes around the corner. I don’t have to worry about him recognising me because he was so small when his dad died. He’s hand in hand with someone and I follow up expecting to find Lucy, and instead find another man—a man I know—smiling down at him.

What’s Eric doing with Daniel?

Maybe they got close after I asked him to be there when I couldn’t be. He works at the same station, and we were close, and he was the only one I could ask to take care of them. To pass them the money I couldn’t give them.

I keep watching until they’re at the door, and then it opens, and Lucy is there. I’m shocked when Eric leans in and kisses her. It’s just a peck on the lips, but it’s more than I expected.

How can she do that? Has she forgotten Adrian?

What about you and Rory, then?

Yes, he’s moving on.So why can’t Lucy do the same?

Because . . . I don’t have a reply to that. How can they forget about Adrian so fast?

Am I a hypocrite?

I’m hoping for Rory to move on, but I don’t want the same thing for Lucy?

What the fuck is wrong with me?Just because I can’t move on doesn’t mean others have to be stuck in the past with me. She didnothing wrong. I was the one who took the man she loved away from her and her child.

I keep watching until they go in. I stay there for a while, trying to come to terms with these ugly feelings I have inside.

One question, though, is driving me crazy.

CanImove on?

Can I really forgive myself for what I’ve done? Can I live a normal life? Can I be in a relationship? And most of all, can I face the people I left without the person they loved?

My phone rings, and I take it out of my pocket. Aidan’s name is there. He seems to have perfect timing, finding me when I’m the most broken. I wish I could avoid answering, but I need the information to help Rory. Yes, helping others should be my focus.

“Hey,” Aidan says, as soon as the call engages. “I have what you need.”

“Okay. Where are we meeting?”

“Where are you?”

“Around.”

“You should finally grow a pair and knock on the door.”

“None of your business. Where do you want to meet?”

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