Page 74 of Samuel's Heart

“Come in,” Lucy says after pulling away, while Daniel is still hugging me.

I turn my head to look at Rory, whose eyes are full of tears. Only then do I believe that this isn’t a dream, but a reality. I hug Lucy closer, and then I reach for Daniel, still hugging my middle and looking up at me. I rub his head again and he hugs me tighter.

The house is like I remember, still homey and full of colour, with only one thing missing: Adrian. I look around, expecting him to come out of a room like he did when I came around. It brings me sadness, but also so many good and missed memories. The house is full of Adrian’s pictures, hanging on the walls and sitting on top of the furniture. He’s smiling in most of them. A picture of the two of us, side by side, smiling and happy, makes my heart constrict and brings a smile to my face at the same time.

This feeling of pain mixed with joy is something I’ve never felt before. I miss Adrian like mad, and I still feel guilty because of his death, but a glint of hope is blossoming inside me. It may be because I’m here, facing my fear of rejection and the two people who suffered the most because of what happened that day. Or maybe it’s because I’m here, surrounded by what Adrian created, loved, and cherished. And I’m part of it, even if I’m partially guilty for what happened that day.

“Come in and sit down.” Lucy guides us over to the living room.

More memories come to mind, and I’m on the fine line between joy and pain.

She takes my arm in hers, and we walk into the room together. When she sits, I sit next to her, with Rory sitting on my otherside. Daniel is jumping around, as if he’s celebrating, and it makes me chuckle.

“How have you been?” Lucy asks while staring at me, as if daring me to lie to her.

“I’ve been . . . okay?” I reply, but her brow raising tells me I haven’t convinced her.

I try again, but with the truth this time.

“It’s been difficult. Guilt has weighed on me since that day. I haven’t been able to move forward or face you and Daniel.”

“I’ve never thought that what happened was your fault. No one ever did.”

My chin falls to my chest in shame. Things would have been different if I had waited for Adrian and we’d gone in together. Their not blaming me, not even a little, isn’t something I can get my head around.

“I should have waited for Adrian, and been less hasty, but what I saw that day was that guy using his knife against some unarmed people, and I couldn’t let him get away.”

“Adrian would have done the same,” she says, with a sad but proud smile.

“Yeah, he would have.” I chuckle again, because that’s the man Adrian was.

She pats my leg, and the love she has for me seeps through and makes my heart ache a little less.

“Is this your new partner?” Lucy asks, but her wicked smile tells me she knows that there is more between Rory and me.

“He’s . . .” But then I’m not sure how to continue, because we’ve never discussed it.

“We’re seeing each other,” Rory jumps in, saving the day once again.

I turn my head to look at him, and I smile, grateful for his presence and support.

“I’m glad you have someone who loves and encourages you. I thought you’d be alone, trying to make amends for what you perceived to be your fault.”

“I was. For the last two years, that’s what I tried to do. Until Rory came into my life and made me understand that everything that happened that night maybewasn’tall my fault. I’m still working on it, though. It’s difficult to come to terms with losing Adrian.”

Lucy turns to Rory. “Thank you for taking care of Samuel when we couldn’t.”

“We took care of each other.” Rory’s words settle something inside me. They make me realise, not for the first time, that even if something happens, there’s still hope. Things can be better with time. Things happen for a reason, and even if we don’t know what that reason is, we shouldn’t throw in the towel. Instead, we should work on building atop the ruins so that we can honour those no longer with us.

Lucy smiles at him and then gets up to offer us something to drink.

“Hi,” Daniel says, appearing in front of me.

I smile at him, and he fidgets as if too excited and unable to contain it.

“You’re Dad’s friend,” he says, and I nod.

The emotion his words cause in me has my throat closing.

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