Page 16 of Samuel's Heart

He smiles, and the realisation of how nonsensical what I just said is hits me, and I chuckle at my disjointed mind.

“Okay, then. When do you want to go see this person?”

“Is tomorrow too soon?”

“I need a couple of days to organise everything, and make sure I check every single detail before we get there.”

“Are you a police officer?” The question’s out of my mouth before I can think better of it.

“Yeah, you got a problem with it?”

“Nope, but maybe you do. I have a restraining order.”

“Why?” There is no heat behind his question, as if he does really want to know.

“I needed to know where John was, but they didn’t like me asking . . . over and over.”

“Then that’s bullshit, and we both know it.” His scruffy voice sends awareness down my spine, making me impossibly aware of him.

Once again, I ask myself what it is about this man, and why I’m reacting this way to his presence?

“I’m here all the time. Just let me know and I’ll be ready.”

He stands up, and that’s the end of the conversation. We walk to the door and pause there. I want to tell him again how what he’s doing amazes me, but I refrain.

“I’ll be going.” Without another word, he’s gone.

I’m back to being by myself, but this time hope fills the room, and I don’t feel like losing my mind any longer.

I’m going to see John again, talk to him one last time. I can finally tell him what I’ve always had in my heart, but I can also tell him I’m ready to move forward, and that his presence and the love I have for him will always be with me.

I go to our room and stand there, looking at the closed door for a while, trying to find the courage to enter. I lean against the wood, still hoping to find him inside getting ready for work. When I go inside, the room is dark and smells like him, like us. My heart is strangled as if a python is constricting it, and my breath is coming in fast and furious exhales to get enoughoxygen into my lungs. I walk to the wardrobe and open it, and with a gentle touch, I caress his clothes.

These are the only things I have of him, and I never had the strength to give them away to people who may need them more than me. The thought of seeing his part of the wardrobe empty makes me think of how alone I am, how empty my life is, and how it would have been better for John to be here and instead, me the one gone forever.

He had a life, andI had John.

Now he’s not here, and I’m alone. I don’t know how to move forward, let go of what we had, or make him proud of me. I thought we were going to be together forever. Instead, we only had ten months. Things weren’t perfect, but we were happy. I finally had someone to callmine, and someone who called mehis.

I was lucky to have found John. His idea of me was so different from my own. He looked at me as if I was whole; he never saw the cracks I had inside me. He couldn’t understand how painful and how impossible it was for me to overcome my upbringing and the pain my family brought to me.

Still, we worked. We wanted to build something together. Neither of us expected the time we had to be so short.

John gave me a life, a home, and happiness. Nothing could have taken me away from him. We would still be together and happy if he was here, and maybe his love would have smoothed the parts of me that have sharp edges. He would have soothed the parts of me that still hurt. We didn’t have enough time together, but even knowing that, I still would have chosen to love him.

I take one of his shirts and press it against my face, inhaling deeply to get John’s scent inside of me.

A memory of me doing this at the beginning of our story pops into my head and I’m brought back to that time.

“Rory?” I turn around and John is there, looking at me as though I’m a lunatic.

“Yeah?” I reply, trying to look nonchalant while hiding the shirt behind my back.

“Why are you smelling my shirt?”

I look at him with an ‘I wasn’t’ face, but I can’t avoid my cheeks going up in flames.

He walks towards me, the movements calculated to bring my attention to his swinging hips, and some—most—of my blood goes south, my head getting dizzy from the loss.

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