Page 61 of Samuel's Heart

“Here’s your coffee,” I say, pretending not to notice how affected he is.

“Thank you.” Even his voice gives away the turmoil he’s going through.

I can’t resist, and once he places the folders on the table, I set my coffee next to them and take him into my arms.

“You don’t have to stop yourself.”

“I’m okay,” Rory says, while letting his weight fall on me a bit more.

“He’ll always be a part of you. He’ll always be with you.”

He nods against my chest, and I pull him closer.

“I’ve been so lonely since I lost him.I’vebeen lost,” he says, his voice is full of tears, as if he didn’t finish doing just that.

I tighten my grip around him, but I don’t want him to stop sharing, so I keep my thoughts inside.

“It’s like I lost my way. Like I’ve been stuck in the past, filled with guilt and unable to break the chains keeping me anchoredin my pain. In the past. I’ve only been seeing what I failed to give him, instead of what we’d achieved together. Instead of the love we shared.”

What can I say to this when I’m in the same position? How can I offer comfort when I’m in the same situation? Stuck in the past and unable to step into the present.

“What you went through was a lot. You lost your lover and carry the guilt of surviving while he died. Then his family cut you off and took away your chance to say goodbye. It’s human to feel what you are feeling.” Again, who am I to say these things to him when I can’t even take a step forward? When I’m unable to ask for forgiveness for what I did? However, he needs me right now, and I’m ready to do everything it takes to make him feel better.

“Thanks to you, I’m getting there. Understanding that parts of John are still here in other people is an amazing feeling. It’s painful when I think about how he’s no longer here with me. But then seeing all these people getting better and having the lives they thought weren’t for them anymore? It fills me with joy.”

He stays silent for a bit, and I tighten my grip around him.

“Do you think I’m a horrible person because I’m happy he saved all those people?”

I let go of him, pushing him back until I can look him in the eye. I don’t want him to miss or misinterpret what I’m going to say to him because he’s too focused on his own grief. “I think you are a beautiful person. You never stopped trying to find him. Anyone would love having someone like you on their side.”

“Yeah?” His tone is so full of his need to be reassured.

“Yes, they should be so lucky.”

He looks up at me and I can’t resist. It’s like I’m pulled in by his eyes and I have to let go. I lean in and kiss him, trying to convey how highly I think of him with my lips.

He deserves happiness, deserves someone better than me.

Chapter Twenty

Rory

Samuel’s words . . . I couldn’t believe them, but his kiss . . . His kiss told me everything I needed to know, and it made my knees buckle.

I don’t even know how we ended up in the bedroom. My only focus was being with him, having more of his kisses, and then becoming one.

Now, we’re both breathing hard, and I love the weight of his forehead on mine. I pull back to look him in the eyes because I need to check if he’s telling the truth. And in them is a mixture of lust, desire, and sincerity.

My discomfort eases a bit, and I gladly welcome his lips when they take mine in another hard kiss that brings my excitementup a notch. I lean into the kiss, giving as good as I get, and I’m over the moon when the sound of our ragged breathing fills the room.

I need him now. I need to feel alive again.

I move away from the kiss, and push him until his shoulders are on the mattress and he’s sprawled out for me to do as I please.

“Can I?” I ask, when surprise takes over his face.

Maybe he didn’t expect me to be so aggressive, not after what happened on the sofa. Not after I cried in his arms because of John. But after what he said, and how easily he accepted me, I want him. I want to be inside of him.

---