Page 68 of Samuel's Heart

“Will you come with me when I go talk to Lucy and Daniel? When I see Adrian?”

“Sure, love.” His reply makes me feel light and a seed of hope sprouts inside me.

“I like when you call me love,” I say, and my face burns with the fire of my blush.

“I like calling you love,” he says with a smirk.

I know he’s trying to lighten the mood, and I’m glad for it. I need time to think, time to accept what happened, and time to accept that maybe it’s not all my fault. I can’t believe Rory is still here, that he supported me instead of branding me a murderer. I also can’t believe he called me ‘love.’

Is there really hope for me to have a good life? To move past what happened that day? To face Lucy and Daniel? That thought still has me breaking into chills, but maybe, just maybe, Rory’s presence will help me be strong and scale over the mountain of guilt inside me. A mountain that keeps me anchored to the past, a mountain that prevents me from seeing past my faults.

Maybe thereishope for me.

Chapter Twenty-Two

Rory

Two weeks have passed, and we’ve finally been able to go through all the documents Aidan provided.

I’ve had to work, but I’ve spent every night at Samuel’s. After what happened the day he opened up to me, I couldn’t leave him, and he had the same problem. For which I was glad because I didn’t want to leave him alone. Not after he opened himself to me, fearing my rejection and judgement. My feelings for him had grown quickly, and even faster since that day.

Now, sitting in the car, we’re waiting for the man who received John’s heart to come out of his building. I keep hold of Samuel’s hand, because today is going to be hard.

This is it. This is when I say goodbye.

Am I ready to let go? Am I ready to move forward with the man sitting next to me? Is he ready to work on his trauma and build something with me?

Is it too fast? We’ve both suffered the loss of people we loved. We know life is a big question mark, and we don’t know when the end is near. So maybe we are rushing, but what if the time we have is just a blink? Do we want to lose a chance to be together because it’s too early, or because we don’t know each other enough?

What we went through together, looking for John, made us close and open to each other. We know the deepest parts of one another, so what’s left to understand is the small stuff. The ‘insignificant’ parts.

A squeeze of my hand has me turning towards Samuel, and I try to smile, but fall short.

“Are you okay?” he asks, his eyes telling me how worried he is about me.

“Yeah . . . No? I don’t know.” I’m a confused mess. I can’t wait to meet the guy, and maybe have the chance to talk to him like we did with the others, but at the same time, I’m not ready.

“Everything is going to be fine,” he says to me. I remember saying the same to him a week ago, and it pulls a thin smile out of me.

“This is my last chance to say goodbye to John.” I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep myself in check and not reach out to this person, when this is my last chance to find pieces of John left in this world.

“I know, baby,” Samuel says, while pulling me close and putting his arms around me. I love his touch. I crave it. With a simple caress, he’s able to settle my spiralling feelings.

“I’m not sure I’ll be able to stop myself from reaching out to him. From telling him everything.”

“While I understand your need, it’s not right for that person to be ambushed by us. We shouldn’t even be aware of his condition, and we shouldn’t approach him. While a part of John is still here, that man doesn’t know you—or John.”

“It’s just that I . . .” But I’m not sure how to continue because everything he says is true. I don’t want to make someone uncomfortable by peeking into their life. I just want to say goodbye.

“Babe?”

“You’re right. I’ll keep the promise I made, and I won’t approach him directly. However, I’ll do my best to talk to him. Hearing how John changed his life . . . Ineedto hear that.” I look at him, trying to convey how much I need this, and how high is the chance that I’ll break the rules.

“I know, babe,” he says, pulling me closer and kissing the top of my head. I let my weight go, sure he’ll catch me, and just like I thought, his arms grip me even tighter and my upper body is now flush with his.

I owe him everything I have now. I can’t thank him enough for giving me John back, for giving back the memories I have of him, and for giving me back a life I want to live in full.

“Thank you,” I whisper, when he turns my face up and leans in for a kiss. When our lips touch, my love for him grows a tiny bit more. I hope it’ll continue to grow until we’re both old and grey.That thought pulls at my lips, and even at this moment when I’m saying goodbye to John, I’m still able to smile.

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