Page 54 of Unmasking You

Shane’s face nearly plastered to his plate rises to look at me, and his eyes reflect the fear and uneasiness I’m feeling.

There’s been a strange mood since we kind of became friendly… or since I lost my hard and cutting edges. I can’t say I’ve forgiven him, because that’s not it, but seeing him bullied by his own family hit me hard. I can’t even fathom the idea of my family not loving me, protecting me, and supporting me like they do.

How did he survive all these years fighting left and right? I’m surprised he’s not more like Dan—angry, violent, and out of control.

I spent the night remembering, and trying to come to terms with what they did to me. I thought I did a good job, when I went to the therapist to discuss everything that happened that year, but Shane coming back into my life and living with me has brought some of the anger and desperation back. It was never far, but now it’s at the forefront.

“Okay,” he says, but does nothing more than eat.

“Why?”

“Can I finish breakfast? Then maybe we can sit on the sofa?” I want to say no, because I need to know right now, but he waited weeks for me to come to terms with the fact that he’s back in my life and I have to face my past. I can wait a few more minutes.

I watch him while he eats, and his manners speak of money and a life of having everything at his feet. But not once since I’ve known him have I ever thought he was a snob. Before everything went south between us, he treated me like there was no class difference between us. He treated me like a friend, and sometimes something more.

How would things have evolved between us, if Dan hadn’t surprised us that day? He stole my chance to have my first kiss with the boy I loved. I’ll hate him forever for that.

I shake my head. There’s no point worrying about the past, the only thing we can do is move forward. I’m not sure I’ll be able to understand his reasons, but I want to try. Not for him, but for myself, so that I can finally put everything behind me and get on with following my dreams.

My thoughts are distracted as Shane stands up. I follow him with my eyes when he piles up the plates, picks them up, and then walks to the sink. He puts them to soak and then washes his hands.

“Shall we move to the sofa?”

I stand up as well and precede him to it. I fluff up the cushion and then wait until he sits down to turn his way. He’s so handsome, with his dark hair unstyled, making him look younger than his twenty-six years.

“Why, you ask?” he says, picking up the conversation as we left it at the table.

I watch him as he tries to collect his thoughts, and I don’t interrupt him because I know how difficult it is.

“I was protecting you.”

I open my mouth to call it as I see it, bullshit, but his hand goes up to stop me.

“You want to know and I’m going to tell you. My reasoning, it’s probably not going to make sense to you, and sometimes it doesn’t for me when I think about my actions and my decision. But at the time, that was all I could think of.”

I close my mouth and lean against the cushion. I delete everything I wanted to say from my mind, and then I turn back to him, ready to listen.

“And I was protecting myself. Since I was born, the only constant in my life has been what my father requested of me… not to shame the family name. Nothing has been more important for him. Maybe my mother, but me, I’ve always been a tool for him. Still am. Even now, I have something I’m protecting from him, and I’ll do everything in my power to achieve what I want.”

Did I ever see this struggle in him? Not that I can think of.

“This shouldn’t be an excuse for my behaviour. I only want you to understand why I made those choices.”

I nod, not sure what to say right now.

“I’m not even sure you remember this, but we were having lunch together, and I had hoped to kiss you, and that day it nearly became reality.”

“I remember,” I whisper, and I don’t fight him when he takes my hand in his, because all those feelings are still swimming inside my body.

“We were interrupted, and I was a prick. I’m sorry I pushed you. I’m sorry I hurt you,” he says, squeezing my hand, and I squeeze back. “I was afraid. I knew right then that Dan saw us and he was going to use it against me, so by pushing you away I thought I could save us.”

“I didn’t fall, so I wasn’t hurt.”

“I don’t mean physically. I saw on your face how much pain my behaviour caused you. And I’ll be sorry for the rest of my life.”

I don’t know what to say to that, so I push him further. “Tell me about Dan, and the others.”

“He threatened to tell my father. To expose the fact that I was kissing a boy to the school, and to everyone who had ears open to listen. I wasn’t ready to be gay, and I wasn’t ready to go against my father. The only way I thought I could protect you was to deny everything and avoid you. And be a wanker to you.”

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