Page 56 of Unmasking You

“You should have seen my father’s face. Me, the one who was never important enough, destroying his good name. He sent me away so he didn’t have to deal with me, and I believe he paid or made some kind of agreement with Dan’s parents so they didn’t press charges. I wouldn’t have cared.”

“He sent you away?”

“Yep, and it was the best thing ever, because I met my best friend Karl. I could talk to him about everything and I never felt judged. It was the second time that happened in my life.”

“Second time?”

“Yeah, the first time was with you.”

Why does my heart speed up at being his first in something? And why do I lean more towards him? I shouldn’t be doing it, but I still don’t move back.

“JJ, I’m sorry for what I did, for being a coward and for not being strong enough to protect you, and us.”

I don’t say anything, but I don’t let go of his hand. I lean against the cushion to let everything he said settle in.

“I hate that I waited for you to get hurt to finally see the errors of my ways. I hate that I waited for you to get hurt to go against my father.”

“I hate that too.” Even if he had his reasons, I’ve suffered a lot. Not only because they did what they did, but more because of Shane. Not understanding why he wouldn’t talk, look, or acknowledge me is still something that weighs heavily on my heart.

“You were the most important fucking thing to me, and I failed you. What I did, I did for love. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to be a better person for you, but I was afraid.”

“I’m sorry too.” Sorry because maybe what we shared is not enough, because maybe I’ll never be able to forget or forgive. We both suffered, I can’t deny it, because I’m witnessing it. But while I didn’t have any choice in what happened to me, Shane had a choice. He chose to betray me, and he chose to save himself.

Where do we go from here? I have no idea…

While I understand more of the reasons why he did what he did, I’m still concerned about what’s driving him now. He’s in the same situation he was before. His dad still rules his life.

Nothing can change the past, but I hope we’ve taken a step in the right direction to change our future. Otherwise they, Dan, Toby and Tom, and also Shane’s father will have won.

I let go of his hand, because between my whirlwind thoughts and the effect Shane’s touch was having on me, I couldn’t cope. My anxiety was playing up and taking my breath away.

I ran away, to hide from him and for myself, and I spent the rest of the day inside my room. My thoughts were in disarray, too fast and too focused for me to cope. Not even coding kept me focused enough to avoid a panic attack.

I lay in my bed, breathing four in, holding for four, and releasing for four, until I was able to breathe normally again.

What hit me the most was his behaviour, the real pain I couldn’t see when we were talking but was clear when I was replaying everything in my mind.

Right now, I’m pacing inside my room, unable to sleep, and my thoughts are focused on the discussion we had, and how I ran away. I listened to him, to his excuses, trying to keep hold of the blame, the anger, and the need to hit something.

I slowly open my door and look outside, just in case Shane is unable to sleep like me and he’s wandering around. The house is silent, so I walk to the kitchen without making any sounds.

Queen comes to greet me, but when I only scratch her head, she goes back to her bed. Soon, when Shane leaves it’ll be only the two of us. It’ll be strange not to have him here.

I fill a tall glass of water, and I slowly drink it, while my brain is busy trying to make sense of all the thoughts crowding my mind.

Dan played the both of us, and I believe the others merely followed him. Shane chose to side with Dan to protect himself, while also hoping to protect me. I thought about that day, the day I died inside… the knowledge of him saving me, of him calling someone because he knew right from wrong… because he cared for me.

I place the glass down and walk towards the bedroom, but I stop in front of his door. There’s no sound coming through so he must be sleeping. I should turn away, but I need an answer to the question whirling inside my mind.

Did he stop them because he cared for me?

I open the door and Shane is in bed. I can see him clearly under the sheet, his face towards the door, his eyes closed, and his hair caressing the pillow. I take a step forward, and then the next, until I’m standing close to the bed.

I watch him for a while, asking myself what I’m doing here but unable to leave. I sit on the chair close to the bed and lean forward, then move my hand until it’s caressing his hair. It’s as soft as I imagine.

Why does touching him affect me so much? Why is he like a drug? Why can’t I walk away like he once did?

“I still don’t understand. Why? Why did you break my heart? I was lost without you. Why should I give you the power to break me again? Why won’t these feelings I have for you disappear? Why can’t I leave you behind like you did me?” I whisper to the room, knowing in his sleep he won’t hear me.

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