Page 58 of Unmasking You

“Okay,” I say while leaving the car. “I’ll see you later.” The more steps away from him I take, the more I want to run back. Is it crazy to not want to get better so I can stay with him longer?

Waiting to see the doctors, talking to them, and then getting a long list of exercises to do while I wait for my appointment with the physio all happens in a haze. My thoughts all focus on Jamie and on what leaving his house means for us.

Is there even an us? Can I ask for an us?

When I leave the hospital, Jamie is there, just like he promised. He’s sitting on a bench close to the entrance, and he has a takeaway cup in his hand. His face is turned up to the pallid sun, and his eyes are closed. He seems lost in thought, so I slowly walk towards him, and I don’t stop until I’m shading him from the sun.

He opens his eyes, and some kind of emotion passes through them, but too quickly for me to recognise it.

“How did it go?”

“I have a long list of exercises to do while I wait for my physio appointment.”

“You’ll be a hundred percent soon.”

“Talk to me,” I say to him, and Jamie’s gaze falls to the floor.

That bad, hey?

“I’m sorry—“

“Don’t be sorry,” I interrupt him. He never has to say sorry to me. None of what happened was his fault. He was a victim. I considered myself a victim of the circumstances I was in, but seeing Jamie lose his temper and shout his pain... That fucked me up, and it made me rethink my choices. It made me understand I should have stood up and fought.

“I need time. I need time to process everything and think about what’s best for me.”

“I understand.” I don’t want to understand, but I need to respect his wishes. I didn’t go through what he did, so I don’t know how he feels. I trust Jamie enough to know that he’s not getting his revenge on me, he’s just looking out for himself. He has the right to do it.

“I’m not walking away.”

I nearly go down to my knees from the tension leaving my body at his words. Words of hope that I don’t deserve.

“I want us to be friends. I want to start afresh. We’re different people now and we don’t know each other anymore. I don’t want to adjust a past that cannot be adjusted. Mistakes were made, and apologies have been given. Pushing you away would mean letting them win, and I don’t want that. What I want is to build something new, something that’s not linked to the past.”

I watch him, trying to understand if there’s something I’m missing, but Jamie seems strangely open, as if he’s trying to tell me he trusts me.

Friends. I never thought I’d have the chance to have him back in my life. And even if being friends it’s the only thing he’s offering, I’m willing to take it.

“Friends,” I say while extending my hand to take his.

I push away the fear of this being probably the last time I’m going to touch him, and instead, I look forward to the opportunity to get to know him.

Six weeks have passed, and I’m still missing him like crazy.

I really tried to avoid texting Jamie, but I didn’t last a day. Since then, though, we’ve been speaking daily. Not about forgiving me and giving me a second chance, but about who we are now, and how our days, weeks, and months are going.

When I was living at his house there was too much of the past that needed to be purged, so we never had the chance to get to know the men we are now.

It’s always me initiating the conversation, but he never leaves me hanging. There’s no sarcasm or anger in his texts, and like he promised when he left me in front of my building, he was doing his best to be a friend.

Texting him is the highlight of my day, because since I came back from what my dad defined as a holiday, he’s been riding me pretty hard. I wish I could quit, but I can’t abandon those kids just because my life is not comfortable.

Having Jamie as a friend is not what I really want, but not having him in my life at all is something I can’t cope with, so friends it is.

“Hey man, are you back home?” Karl says as soon as I answer the phone.

“Yeah.”

“What happened?”

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